I've wondered this too. Do I just have sex, or is it ML? When I am really "into it" it seems almost as if I am trying to prove something. It's almost a control thing. The times that my H would cite as the best times were in the beginning, the "seduction" phase, for lack of a better word. Maybe I was just trying to prove how sexy and desirable I was, what a good catch. Who am I trying to prove it to? Him or me? And I may have started out HD, but after the relationship continued to develop, insecurities settled in and without encouragement, I would begin to wonder if feelings were mutual, was I doing this right? Was it good for you? Was this R going anywhere? All buzz killers.

You categorize people as HD, LD, ND....but it's not always so cut and dried. My H would say I am LD because I do not want to have sex (or ML) as often as he does. I think I am normal, I just need to have an emotional connection first. I am sure that he would see sex as a means to bring us closer together emotionally. I on the other hand, need to feel the emotional closeness to want to ML. Who gives in first? Sometimes I was not even sure if my H LIKED me, much less that he loved me. How am I supposed to ML to a man who doesn't even like me? Why would I?

It was a vicious circle. H would want to ML, I would not want to because I didn't feel emotionally connected. He felt frustrated and rejected and acted moody. I thought, he's such a grump, he can't even be nice to me, etc, etc. A horrible downward cycle.

Is is possible she makes love differently than you do? Not with her body, but with her mind or her actions? We've all read the 5 LL books, I know you've delved into this. How do you show her that you like her? That you enjoy her company? That you value her opinion? That you appreciate the things she does for you?

My H rarely complimented me on my cooking, housekeeping, organization skills, patience with the children. Instead he found fault in almost everything I did. How can a man want to ML to me if he finds fault in everything I do? (And, NO, it was not because I was really bad at all those things)

OK, I'm probably projecting a bit here, but these are things I wonder. I need to know. How do you think ML is different for you? Do you have that "in love" feeling when the two of you are really connected? Is that what it is you're looking for?

Can we compare it to another activity, like dancing maybe? You like to dance, in the beginning your spouse says she likes dancing too. She goes dancing with you all the time. Then she sprains her ankle and can't dance for a while, she loses interest in dancing and just decides to live without it. You on the other hand, still like to dance, dancing alone is not so much fun, you miss the times you used to dance together, but the more you want her to dance, the less she wants to and the more strongly she feels against dancing. When she does give in, she limps around the dance floor, just going through the motions so that she can say, " There, I danced with you, are you happy now?"

So, did she ever really like dancing, or did she just do it in the beginning for you?