I left because the house is out off the beaten path and it brings me down. I think of all the nights that I stayed there alone while he was play with the OW. It really holds some very bad memories. The house is mine, legally, I put the down payment on it etc. but because my H's credit was so poor, I qualified for the loan on my own. I cannot afford the payments so he is making them. It was just more economical for me to leave.
I talked to me H this morning and he said he doesn't care whether we get back together or not. I'm sensing that he doesn't want this M anymore because he thinks it will be more of the same. Angry outburts, etc. I know I need to control this anger and I've been to C but I cannot seem to help myself. My H triggers all the anger in me. I wish I knew what I wanted then things may be more simple for me. On the one hand, I want the M and on the other I don't see how I can be with someone who I have little respect for. I beleive that if I make a real decision in making the M work and do the hard work maybe it will survive but if I move back too early, it could destroy what's left - and frankly, it is very little! I've destroyed a lot of it and I take full responsibility for that, but I think all of this anger was a reaction to all of the lies, deceit and betrayal. I have realized that I need to control it or else..........I will have destroyed the M, not the A. I don't know why I blame myself, I think it's because of all the efforts I've seen my H do to try and make it up to me, and I've been so angry, so hurt and so indifferent, I've not appreciated a thing he does. Again, is this normal? Should I just give it more time?
