I've decided that I have nothing to loose by trying to piece my marriage together. My H loves me, has done everything to show me how much he loves me and I think he is sincere and wants very much to put this marriage back together. Even though I'm hurt, even though I'm still dealing with a lot of emotions, I still love him and I think we can survive - if we both commit to it! So I'm going to give it a try. Wish me luck!!!
Hi Gwyn--I am totally wishing you good luck. Remember, though, it isn't all about luck. You will have to do some hard work and hope he follows suit. In the DR book Michelle says love is a decision you make, and it sounds like you have made the decision to love your H and put in the effort--sounds like you may be bordering on forgiveness too. It does hurt alot when the one we love betrays us, but we can forgive if we want to. Your H realizes the mistake he made and seems he wants to make it up to you. Take it slow--healing is sometimes a long, slow process. Keep coming here and letting us know how you are doing--wishing you the best!
My H and I had a blow out over the weekend. I told him that I was going to investigate his past, he became furious and told me that I've turned into a b****, and that he would put a restraining order on me. He also said he was glad he had the A because maybe it was suppose to happen so he could see the mean, vindictive person I really am. I guess we made up, we went to church together yesterday and had lunch together but his words really hurt. When I went over to our marital home to meet him there for church, he had changed the locks. I didn't react much to it, but I must say it really makes me mad. After all it is MY house. I bought it! Of course, I probably deserve it because I've beaten him down pretty bad and he has taken it thus far but he's had enough. I guess this was the wake up call that I needed. I've not acted much like a victim of infidelity, I've acted mean, hateful, and threatened him with all kinds of things like blowing the whistle on him at work, etc. Now I feel as though it's all my fault for his infidelity. Is any of this normal?
Ouch! Ok, why do you want to investigate his past--isn't "past" the operative word here? What will this get you? So far it has gotten you an angry H with mean words for you. Part of DR is working on a new beginning, a new M, not the same old and not muddling through past stuff. You may only find more things that will hurt you--is that really what you want. And you cannot change any of it. You can only change your future.
Yes, you should take responsibility for the things you may have done to contribute to the problems with your M that may have led to your H's A. But it isn't your fault that he chose to have an A. It isn't your fault he chooses to be angry and spew mean words at you.
You want him to hurt just as much as you do--you want him to PAY! All incredibly normal feelings for you to have. But giving him fuel to be angry is going to hurt both of you.
Keep reading DR and practice, practice, practice. Try your best to act as if (like you did with the door locks). Stay away and don't talk to him for awhile. Try to do nice things for you and have a little fun. Try to remember what it was like when you were dating and what things you did then that may have attracted him to you. Remember to take care of you and love you.
You will backslide and you will hurt. You will see lots of people on this board going through he!!. And yet there are some who come out with a new M and more happiness than they thought possible. And, yes, there are others who went on without their M and found happiness in a whole new life for themselves.
It takes alot of patience and trust, which is going to be hard to come by for awhile. Give him some time and space, and give it to you too.
I didn't want to be separated from my H and I hated it for months, but when I finally started to settle down, I realized much work had to be done before he could come back. I realized that I had been trying to control him and make him do what I wanted in our M. I told him everything I thought he was doing wrong. I would continually have R talks with him to reassure myself of his love. He was frustrated by that. He was frustrated by my insecurity. He was hurt by my always telling him, in effect, that he wasn't participating in our M the way he should. He had an A too, just looking for "comfort". Looking for someone to love him the way he was.
After a few months being separated, I began to realize I wasn't ready for him to come back and just kept working on me until I was ready. And he began to see things could be different and eventually wanted to come home.
It won't be easy, but you can do it! Remember PATIENCE.
Thanks. The thing is after that blow out, I really felt as though I lost him and our my marriage was over, not becasue of the A but because I verbally abused him so much that he wants out. I find myself now ready to straighten up and go home. Do you all think that's a good idea or should I stay in the apt. for awhile longer?
Gwyn, I'm not sure you should go back at this moment. You are just beginning to realize what you really want. You are just beginning to realize what you need to do. I believe you are coming to accept and forgive. But you need to be sure you can hold your tongue. You need to be sure you can be in the same house with him and get along. You need to be sure you can be around him when he's angry or moody about something and not take it personally. You need to be sure you can be in the same house with him and leave him alone. Do you feel you can trust him? If he comes home late and hasn't called, can you live with that? If he wants to spend time doing something without you, can you live with that. All these things take time, have you had enough time?
Please keep seeing your MC. Please keep posting on the board--especially when you need to vent. If you feel like being mad at him, come here and say all the things you feel like saying.
My H's biggest fear was that I would be clingy and distrustful if he came home. I couldn't tell him I wouldn't be--I had to show him.
Your H had an A that lasted a year and a half but he couldn't leave you for her. I believe that means something.
Take your time, Gwyn. Really think it through before you decide to go home. Talk to your MC about it. I wouldn't discuss it with H yet. He's going to want to see some changes in you. And you want to see some changes in you too--I can hear you wanting it.
I'm sure you're right. It can't hurt anything to take my time. I only have 2 more weeks in the apt. then I have to sign another lease, so I don't have a lot of time. Sure I can sign another lease, but I'm not sure my H has the patience for it any longer.
Can you see your MC a couple more times in the next 2 weeks? Will your H go to MC with you? Two weeks might be just enough or maybe you need another 6 months. Your MC might be perfect for giving you advice about this one.
Gwynn, you have every right to be angry, but you do need to control it. I went through almost a year of angry outbursts - usually after finding yet another lie. It's normal. You've been betrayed, lied to, humiliated. However, you also need to see that the anger, resentment, and unforgiveness will do you more harm than good. Time to push up your sleeves and make some decisions about what you want with your life. If you want your H and your M, than you are going to have to find a way to control the anger. And, even if you realise you don't want the M, then you will have just let it go. Perhaps you can go to a C on your own. I did that, and she was able to help me think more coherently, and figure things out in a more rational, logical way. Or, keep a journal, so that you can write down your anger, and vent your feelings privately.
I am curious! Why did you leave your marital home, since you bought it? And, I don't think it is legal for him to change the locks until there is a settlement. Please, take care of yourself in the legal sense.
I wish you well, and always realise that you are the one controlling your life. No-one else can make decisions for you.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I left because the house is out off the beaten path and it brings me down. I think of all the nights that I stayed there alone while he was play with the OW. It really holds some very bad memories. The house is mine, legally, I put the down payment on it etc. but because my H's credit was so poor, I qualified for the loan on my own. I cannot afford the payments so he is making them. It was just more economical for me to leave.
I talked to me H this morning and he said he doesn't care whether we get back together or not. I'm sensing that he doesn't want this M anymore because he thinks it will be more of the same. Angry outburts, etc. I know I need to control this anger and I've been to C but I cannot seem to help myself. My H triggers all the anger in me. I wish I knew what I wanted then things may be more simple for me. On the one hand, I want the M and on the other I don't see how I can be with someone who I have little respect for. I beleive that if I make a real decision in making the M work and do the hard work maybe it will survive but if I move back too early, it could destroy what's left - and frankly, it is very little! I've destroyed a lot of it and I take full responsibility for that, but I think all of this anger was a reaction to all of the lies, deceit and betrayal. I have realized that I need to control it or else..........I will have destroyed the M, not the A. I don't know why I blame myself, I think it's because of all the efforts I've seen my H do to try and make it up to me, and I've been so angry, so hurt and so indifferent, I've not appreciated a thing he does. Again, is this normal? Should I just give it more time?
