Ouch! Ok, why do you want to investigate his past--isn't "past" the operative word here? What will this get you? So far it has gotten you an angry H with mean words for you. Part of DR is working on a new beginning, a new M, not the same old and not muddling through past stuff. You may only find more things that will hurt you--is that really what you want. And you cannot change any of it. You can only change your future.
Yes, you should take responsibility for the things you may have done to contribute to the problems with your M that may have led to your H's A. But it isn't your fault that he chose to have an A. It isn't your fault he chooses to be angry and spew mean words at you.
You want him to hurt just as much as you do--you want him to PAY! All incredibly normal feelings for you to have. But giving him fuel to be angry is going to hurt both of you.
Keep reading DR and practice, practice, practice. Try your best to act as if (like you did with the door locks). Stay away and don't talk to him for awhile. Try to do nice things for you and have a little fun. Try to remember what it was like when you were dating and what things you did then that may have attracted him to you. Remember to take care of you and love you.
You will backslide and you will hurt. You will see lots of people on this board going through he!!. And yet there are some who come out with a new M and more happiness than they thought possible. And, yes, there are others who went on without their M and found happiness in a whole new life for themselves.
It takes alot of patience and trust, which is going to be hard to come by for awhile. Give him some time and space, and give it to you too.
I didn't want to be separated from my H and I hated it for months, but when I finally started to settle down, I realized much work had to be done before he could come back. I realized that I had been trying to control him and make him do what I wanted in our M. I told him everything I thought he was doing wrong. I would continually have R talks with him to reassure myself of his love. He was frustrated by that. He was frustrated by my insecurity. He was hurt by my always telling him, in effect, that he wasn't participating in our M the way he should. He had an A too, just looking for "comfort". Looking for someone to love him the way he was.
After a few months being separated, I began to realize I wasn't ready for him to come back and just kept working on me until I was ready. And he began to see things could be different and eventually wanted to come home.
It won't be easy, but you can do it! Remember PATIENCE.
