Quote: I just had a talk with my daughter (23), pre-med, very practicle in her thinking and very wise for her age (I'm proud of her, okay). Anyway, she told me that she cannot stand my H (her stepdad), does not trust him, nor wants anything to do with him. She further said that when she has children, she would NEVER allow her child to be in the same room with him because she thinks he is a pervert. By the way, she thought this about him before I married him, not sure why other than she thinks he is sneeky and has a warped sense of life. However, she accepted him because I loved him. One more thing I have to add, HIS children said that they don't trust him either, he says one thing and does another.
I think their opinion is less biased than yours.
As for the reason for the affair? Let's see:
- He's afraid of getting older and being with someone so young gave him the illusion of immortality. - He's afraid of commitment and backed away from the intimacy of being married by jumping into bed with someone else. - He's been unfaithful all along, this is just the first time he's gotten "emotionally involved" (Maybe he's hiding his finances etc. because you would find out about other activities?). - He's too weak to be in an equal relationship with a woman and so picked someone younger who would "look up to him"? - He's a manipulative pervert who preyed on a vulnerable woman in her time of need, because he could (listen to your daughter!).
Whatever it is, it seems pretty clear that, while we all have our faults, this was about HIM, not you. You have no reason to beat yourself up or feel ashamed. You made a bad choice, and wanted to believe in him so badly that you ignored the warning signs before you married him. You're human, that's all.
Thank you for our post. I talked to my MC last night - alone. He said sometimes things are too broken. I think he may be right. I really believe that my H is not what I want. I'm not sure if I love the man or I love being with someone - I've realized that I'm co-dependant. I don't think my H was who I should have been with from the start. I struggled in deciding to marry him, we were engaged for 2 1/2 years. The reason was because it never felt right, but I took a huge leap of faith and tried it and it failed. I really need to find some peace in letting this M go but I struggle with the thought of being alone and the thought of him with someone else. Again, co-dependancy. I also struggle if I divorce him that I'll be sorry.
I wanted to add one more thing. My MC suggested that I'm fighting myself because cheating is a deal breaker for me and I keep saying to myself, but...There is one thing I cannot change about me and that is my core values. I'm fighting myself. What do you all think?
Well, lots of us thought cheating was a deal-breaker - BEFORE we had to deal with it!
But in your case, Gwyn, there seems to be so much more here. You said yourself that you were ambivalent about marrying him because it didn't "feel right". Your D feels so strongly that he is a "pervert" that she states she would never leave a (future) child of hers alone with him (and she apparently didn't like him even before the A, right/). He hasn't been upfront with you about finances etc. - this is often a warning sign that they are hiding something (meals with oW, massage parlor bills, secret cell phones, gambling addiction, whatever). This goes beyond a simple single "once-in-a-lifetime got-depressed and fell into an affair" thing, I think - and I think the reason you are having so much trouble moving forward with him is because, somewhere deep in your brain, you know this.
What is wrong with me. I know in my heart that I don't want this M because I can't live with my H A, but yet I think the agony and pain of being without my H and that is just as tramatic. What do I do? How can make this life changing decision and know that I made the right decision?
Why is it that I can't make a decision and stick with it? I am truly killing myself. My health is going downhill, my mental state is getting worse, not better. I thought after 5 months, I would start to feel a little more acceptance of the situation, but I am getting worse. Not because my H hasn't tried everything, he has given in to all of my requests, but I can't seem to make a decision to work on our M or leave. I am suffering beyond words, any advise?
I know this is a piecing forum but I need some advise. My H and I went to MC last night and as usual, i became angry, etc. So, we have decided to take a one week break from all of this. No phone calls, no seeing each other and then, we'll take another look at our R. I can't find peace, why am I failing? Why is it so hard for me? He wants more than anything for me to forgive him, put our M back together and live happy like we once did. He has changed - actually for the good, why can't I give our M a try? Is there any advise why it seems that I struggle so much more than others on this board. Everyone seems to know what they want. Why don't I have a clear direction?
Just got an email from my MC who wanted to challenge me with my own kind of thinking. If I loved my H I wouldn't continue hurting him with my histile comments. If I loved my H, I'd forgive him. If I loved my H, prove it by controlling my tongue. If I can't, maybe I don't really love him or just don't know how to love him in that way.
I know where he's going with this - because my way of thinking is if my H loved me he wouldn't have done what he did, if my H loved me, he would not have been with the OW for half of my marriage, etc. Any comments or analysis on these issues?
Any help out there? I really am destroying what is left of my M. I cannot control myself around my H. He triggers me into thoughts of disgust, thoughts of betrayal, thoughts of all kinds of emotions that I never knew I was capable of thinking. I'm 5 months into recovery and I am getting more and more angry as time goes on, not more understanding. I'm fighting and fighting within myself and I cannot get a hold of this. I want to stay married, I don't want to be alone, my H is truly remorseful and will do anything to get our M back, and yet I still struggle. WHY? Shouldn't I be grateful?
