I have suppressed them completely during our seperations. If this is a mistake in someones opinion, pipe up with why, I will contemplate it. Two sides to this coin. I think you made the right choice because you needed that time to really focus on yourself and improve on those traits/behaviors that needed some tweaking. You're also a very analytical person with an assertive edge. That's hot! Blackfoot and will serve you well with the ladies, but you already know that. You don't need any ego stroking, I'll save that for Globule Anyways, your strategy, ironically, was similar to my H's during the seperation (and boy are you two opposites). He didn't post on a board like this but he has journals full of his thoughts that he processed everyday we were apart. Neither of you were chasing after OP and both admitted to having almost ND during the worst of that time. On the other side of the coin, (that would be my side lol), dating OP during your separation may have been a healthy distraction for you and as wrong as it is, would have maybe "settled the score" so to speak if you started really falling for someone during that time. One night stands wouldn't have given you any pleasure because I can tell just from your posts that you are seeking EC just like the rest of us. IF you couldn't have it with your W, you may have been able to find it with someone else but then where would you be now? Not possibly working things out with W. Once again, two sides to that. You would not be going through this turmoil anymore (which would be good). But I don't think you have any peace with the whole W situation yet. So getting into a new R would have blown up in your face sooner or later. Just like it WILL with your W and the jerk. I did things wrong so she was moving on. OK. Second time I made a mistake with the verbal bashing and she 'didnt have to take that'. OK. I 'feel' she has demonstrated that I dont get to make mistakes. I will make more. She will run away, again? Ive basically said thats Ok if I take her back again, havent I? Has she been able to see any REAL changes in you? No. Not sure what you did wrong (from her perspective) to leave in the first place. Have you stated that? As the the second time, your emotions got the best of you. I know you hate that but I think that is WHO YOU ARE Blackfoot and that's ok. The verbal bashing is not ok but the emotionality is. Don't supress it! I was surprised how vulnerable you sound here: I 'feel' she has demonstrated that I dont get to make mistakes. I will make more. She will run away, again? Ive basically said thats Ok if I take her back again, havent I? I must be a total sucker for emotional men because I just want to hug you through the screen. Plus, that's not always the way you present your self so it's that dichotomy (bad boy vs sensitive boy) that gets me everytime! You listening Globule, take notes. Blackfoot, your W needs to see an attractive balance between those 2 sides for her to want to come back. Right now, you are too shut-down to let her get close. Ignoring her obvious cries for "the sensitive you" through the letters and such. Lying in your bed while your not there! This girl is so in love with you still!! Don't be a dummy! Talk to her. Take a leap of faith (did I just say that?). Pride was a huge contributor to this at the beginning of both instances and Shame, another type of pride is the principal one now. She cant imagine being around my family. FWIW, and as funny as it may sound she does have a really good moral sense, Not surprised at all. H had to really suck it up when we got back together and went in front of the family again. He felt horrid but he did it because he knew there was no way to avoid it. In a sense, it is very courageous. You need to help your W see that you support her with the family issue though. Have you? Probably not since you haven't talked to her. This is almost a quote - she cant see how, doesnt know how...blah blah Exactly. She wants you to help her!! Acting a victim is not mature or healthy. I wont work with it this time. Was that directed at her or you? I havent responded at all the last several times. Is it a mistake on my part if I want to reconcile. possible YES!! It's not whether or not to talk to her it's HOW to talk to her. You know intellectually what you need to do. Put some of it into practice. Not decoding How's that working out for ya? letters, emails, and texts, but no phone calls No kidding. Because she wants YOU to be the one the reach out to her, not have her call and feel like you are forced to talk to her. Come on Blackfoot, you know this sh*t! (Gettin punchy ) If she contacts me saying OM is out, I will suspiciously begin the hard work. That is all I will work with Then you will lose her. I know it's not the same thing, but my H knew I was still dating when we first started talking about reconciling. He knew if he wanted me back we had to ease into it. Your W wants to ease into it too is my guess. Sure that sucks, but do what works. If she comes back, I will take it as wanting me. That is a way to simplistic solution for such a complex situation. If she gets her act together before then, not likely, because I have given her nothing to work with Yep. I will do the 'right' thing Would you rather be happy or right? The road to intimacy is filled with walls and potholes. Ill screw up again, she'll think from previous experience its ok to do this Another very sensitive/vulnerable statement from Blackfoot. Damn right you'll screw up again. Are you are going to live in fear then? That doesn't sound like the Blackfoot I know. If you fix the M, you will not have to live in fear of her leaving. Or are you saying YOU are not fixable? Hmm... Thats life, you overlook the other persons mistakes, focus on the good and work at things Oh really. Are you overlooking her mistakes, and more importantly, forgiving yourself for your own mistakes. I think you are sabotaging any chance at reconcilation not because of what SHE did but because you cannot live with the fact that YOU made these mistakes in the M and need to be punished for them. Divorce is your punishment and you will just "start fresh" with a new person and hopefully not make those mistakes again. That last part is good but I think under your strong exterior you are very sensitive and feel like you failed: her, yourself, and the M. It's unacceptable to you. Fro what you stated at the end of your post, your biggest want in life I'm guessing is to be needed/valued. Your a helper. Just look at all the help you give on this board. Ive been contemplating this, knowing I need to do something, give her something See, it's IN you to reach out to her and you are fighting with all your might against your nature. I like very emotional women Maybe because they display traits you wish you could "let fly" in yourself, but as a man, need to reign in, project that manly strong image. I think she is a good person that got placed in a situation that was more then she could handle, but hate her reactions to me when I make a mistake. Tell her just that.
A little (lot) of boardside analysis. That will be $100.00 please.