On my Bday weather D is finalized or not, its on like Donkey Kong. If its not finalized, its because she doesnt want to let go, not because she wants to work on things. My HD is coming back and I am going to take care of my emotional and physical needs. (yes I am rationalizing)
This has been going on since late april of last year with a short jan-early may respite. I have suppressed them completely during our seperations. If this is a mistake in someones opinion, pipe up with why, I will contemplate it.
Are you saying that she is not allowed to make mistakes and learn from them?
Of course not. I dont see that she has learned from that or that she will if I do anything other then wait for OM to be set aside. Thats the line of thinking she has been using on me, I did things wrong so she was moving on. OK. Second time I made a mistake with the verbal bashing and she 'didnt have to take that'. OK. I 'feel' she has demonstrated that I dont get to make mistakes. I will make more. She will run away, again? Ive basically said thats Ok if I take her back again, havent I?
I look at it logically, I can see why she does what she does I can see it thru my understanding of phsyc. Its not logical though to accomplish what she wants. Shrug I am ok with that too. I have overreacted in this crisis several times myself.
Haven't you ever fcuked up royally?
yes, again my verbal berating was one of these.
multiply that by a million and you will have an idea of her thinking I am aware that Pride was a huge contributor to this at the beginning of both instances and Shame, another type of pride is the principal one now. She cant imagine being around my family. FWIW, and as funny as it may sound she does have a really good moral sense, though it is not internalized cerebrally. Its one of the things I love about her.
She wants you back but cannot picture how she will get there. She doesn't know which steps to take This is almost a quote - she cant see how, doesnt know how...blah blah. The information is out there, she knows where it is. Acting a victim is not mature or healthy. I wont work with it this time.
can still 'get your goat'. If she can, she will know that there are feelings there for her and that she should proceed.
I havent responded at all the last several times. Is it a mistake on my part if I want to reconcile. possible. Its a risk I am willing to take to get the R I want. When she was calling every day she would try to get my goat often, with commenting on the D, I would just say Ok if that is what you want. Or once commenting on what she and OM did together, UHUH, knock that sh!t off. She did. I am not sarcastic or angry, I am nothing. More of the same I know.
last time she came over and I was here she cried and said 'I just want to move on.' OK. I know this was code. UH-UH. Not decoding. Of course the last two weeks have been the letters, emails, and texts, but no phone calls. (although I did turn it off and leave it at home last weekend.) I do not respond, she said she wants to move on, and has OM. If she contacts me saying OM is out, I will suspiciously begin the hard work. That is all I will work with. I am tired of being her handler, and treating her like a horse that needs blinders to get thru the fire. This has always been the case. She has destructive tendancies when she gets hurt, we both know it. If she takes my non response as me not loving her... then so be it. I take abandonment AND Fcuking OM as not loving me. Running away, wouldn't bug me so much. A one night stand wouldnt bug me very much either truth be told. I have dropped the rope. If she comes back, I will take it as wanting me.
don't find it disrespecting yourself to keep the door open for reconciliation. In fact, I find that the harder road to travel. Do you know how easy it is to divorce?
Completely agree with all of this. But my comment of reconciling was AFTER the divorce is finished. If she gets her act together before then, not likely, because I have given her nothing to work with since there is OM and she is not going to let go without knowing there is something, I will do the 'right' thing, and be glad that we both have taken that harder road.
you keep slyly mentioning the "control" aspect of your personality. As a woman, I'm telling you firsthand that this is a MAJOR portion of why your ex went elsewhere.
I havent been sly about it, Ive owned up to it and was trying to work on it. actually my resentment and anger that came out was a great opportunity for us to get past it. Her reaction just reinforces that I dont get to make mistakes. Again thats saying that my mistakes, being a man, justify her actions. The road to intimacy is filled with walls and potholes. Ill screw up again, she'll think from previous experience its ok to do this.
your control slips a little. Honestly, who gives a hoot. That's life!
agree again, Thats life, you overlook the other persons mistakes, focus on the good and work at things. not run away. For whatever reason my 'value' dropped low enough to make it ok to go elsewhere twice. Your H's hasnt, honestly LFL's H never did either, she just felt she had no choice. It may be the truth, it may be her temporary perception, but it is. M/F R's dont work without this male 'value' being in place. Thats biology. Getting past those sticking points requires, morals, commitment, or need.
In the end I think if we were to get back together after the divorce, when OM doesnt come thru, its not because I have that 'value' to her.
how did you respond to the letters? I think you should acknowledge them but stand with your boundary firmly in place
I didnt. There was nothing specifically asking for a response. They were statements or ended with why it won't/ can't work. Not going to argue, cheesless tunnel.
Ive been contemplating this, knowing I need to do something, give her something, but at the same time knowing she is going to try to flip it and all her anger and resentment is going to come out. Fine with that, know its the process, but mine doesnt get to and the injustice grates knowing OM is still around. In the meantime while I contemplate it the days and weeks slip by. I like very emotional women. Damnit. I think she is a good person that got placed in a situation that was more then she could handle, but hate her reactions to me when I make a mistake. Damnit. My head hurts again.
