Blackie, Why would you be disrespecting yourself by simply leaving the door open to a future reconciliation when/if she gets her crap together? That one made no sense to me.
Are you saying that she is not allowed to make mistakes and learn from them? Granted, her 'mistake' is one of the most harmful and destructive things I can think of and I personally want to smack her for going back the second time...and yet, if I look at it logically, I can see why she does what she does.
Haven't you ever fcuked up royally? Were you particularly eager to get back to the people/situation that you had wronged and wipe the slate clean? Prolly not. Now multiply that by a million and you will have an idea of her thinking right now. Clearly, she still loves you. If she didn't, she'd be celebrating her upcoming freedom with OM. She's not doing that. She wants you back but cannot picture how she will get there. She doesn't know which steps to take--how do you right a wrong that is this destructive? So she starts out by writing letters and seeing if she can still 'get your goat'. If she can, she will know that there are feelings there for her and that she should proceed.
The only way you would disrespect yourself, imo, is by not drawing any boundaries and taking any and all crap she dishes out. You are not doing that. You have said unequivocally that until she rids herself of the parasite, she has no place in your life. She knows what she has to do. But it's no easy task, so don't dog her for not doing it quicker! She's gotta grovel and deal with your anger at her, as well as similar feelings of rage and disappointment from OM. She's totally in the toilet right now, and trying to fight her way out. But.......all the same, she made her bed and all that rot.
Now, back to you. I don't find it disrespecting yourself to keep the door open for reconciliation. In fact, I find that the harder road to travel. Do you know how easy it is to divorce? To say, screw it, I've had it? Who do you know personally has the balls to say "I'm going to make this work, no matter how hard it gets"?
Lastly, you keep slyly mentioning the "control" aspect of your personality. As a woman, I'm telling you firsthand that this is a MAJOR portion of why your ex went elsewhere. There is nothing worse than knowing that you are giving your all (or expected to give your all) and your mate holds himself back. IT SUCKS. She knew you were doing this probably from the first few dates. I'm telling you, women's intuition is amazing. She most likely thought to herself, I can get him to open up! Well, years later, when there were still things you were holding back, she was saying to herself that she was wrong and she just doesn't "have it" when it concerns you. The logic goes something like this: He's holding back. I'll get him to open up. (fast forward 5 yrs) He's still holding back from me. Doesn't he feel safe with me--I love him more than anyone! (internal gasp) What if he doesn't feel the same? He must not feel the same if he's unwilling to get close to me.
and on it goes.
So......how did you respond to the letters? I think you should acknowledge them but stand with your boundary firmly in place. NOP could probably give you some excellent advice on what exact verbiage to say but you might want to look up csw's threads and see how he handled it as well. Something that leaves the door open but lets her know without hesitation that you won't be participating in an R with her and someone else. You're a smart guy, you can figure out how to do this without anger and sarcasm. Those are defense mechanisms that give you the false impression that your control is still firmly in place. The moment you reach out to her, your control slips a little. Honestly, who gives a hoot. That's life!
Sorry about the ADD hijack. Oh and what a weird coincidence, I started reading about the ADD diet last night. Thanks for the heads up. I don't know that she has anything at this point, she's only 3 for cripes sakes, but her behavior is...off...the majority of the time. There is a 'wall' around her that is very hard to penetrate. When I'm telling her something, she literally doesn't hear me or can't retain what I've just said. It's intensely frustrating for me, but I don't want my own frustration to turn into low self esteem for her, kwim?
