What's the deal with the continued pursuit by the ex. Why did you have such a crappy weekend?

I dont know. I am open to you ladies opinions on why she is still contacting me. Two looong letters this time that she left at the house. I was gone. But my bed smelled like her. THAT was really F'ed up. The first is fairly accusatory and then questioning on whys and hows it would work if we got back together yet couldnt. The second was more reminising, friendly, and at the very end, more why it couldnt work. Makes my head hurt, must stay focused on OM. No as-ifing no initiating.

Chrissy,

You ladies are determined to get me to talk about myself one way or another. Sneaky. J/K.

How do you turn around that thought behavior?
behaiviors can lead to thoughts as much as thoughts lead to behaiviors. Its important to DO what we know we should to drive that biology back.

Our internal biology drives many of our thoughts into our consciousness. When that thought is a negative one, you know it because you feel something unpleasant: anger, fear, withdrawal, anxiety.


On Globules thread he said in response to me
Quote:

"Feelings are tricky, the stronger they are the more likely they coerce us into making the wrong choice"
I think the word likely is important in that statement. Following our feelings is not always a bad choice.




I disagree following your feelings is a terrible choice. Listening to them, acknowledging them, determing the cause and what to do to remedy the stressor causing them is a much better choice.

The insistence on not wanting to need other people is either driven by fear or a desire for self sufficiency. We do need other people, we are half of a sexual equation and social, tribal creatures. It is unhealthy to act or pretend otherwise. (your affection for and doting on new puppy is interesting.) So how to go about changing that. personnally I have been making an effort to ask people for things. Something little, from a friend or family member that I am perfectly capable of doing for myself. Also whenever people offer to help, as many have since my accident, I say yes.

Very very very difficult for me. I have been in more serious accidents before and would let no one know, even my family untill out of the hospital.

My x offered too, I mentioned before and I replied "I want you I dont need you" unfortunately that is most likely not a 180 for me, more of the same, it was revisited very hostile the next day, yet she is in R with OM, I must remember that. Ever since second break I do not care if my actions are -right or wrong- in the sense that I have no care if they mess up the R more. Right now I am trying to decide if reconciling with her after D and OM loses interest would be disrespectfull to myself or if not getting back together with her would be a narcisstic injury. Probably wasted thought, and should wait for it to actually happen. I would feel second place and would never believe that she really loves me, and that she is settling because OM didnt come thru.

Cobra I read a large part of Vankins website, recognized a few traits of course, but overall its not ringing for me.

The most telling ones are ever since I was young my talents have put me in the 'spotlight' so to speak and I disliked it so much, that I still downplay or dont mention them. I love to teach and have no problem with public speaking, but I shudder at the general idea of being famous. I my be a source of energy in a group, but I prefer to be in the background and instigate others to be the center of attention. Is that manipulation? Maybe but it is never harmful, or malicious. I enjoy being open and honest and making fun of myself with those I come in contact with, and the biggest differece is my motives for doing things are either to improve myself (selfish) or to help or bring up those close to me or around me. I never have any inclination to tear down, destroy, or otherwise wreck people or events, my sexual predilictions are not disturbed in either finding it gross or wanting to control. At the worst part of my life which now is when the affair first started, I did not say anything negative about my x to anyone for the entire first seperation. Even while she attempted to shred my reputation to our mutual friends and her family. They would approach me and I felt no need to defend myself. (though I did say with exaggerated frustration 'your suuuuch a dumb bitch' to her a couple times shortly before our reconciliation. it was toungue in cheek, I knew she was coming back and she knew I knew. ) I didnt blame OM, or the economy of the city we were in, or any other outside influence. I will admit I did want to pop him like a soap bubble. anyways there is a tremendous amount in there that is not me, I never felt like cursing at the website or any other Phsyc book. I am fascinated by it in general and want to know what I need to work on.

So I will say that I am extremely confidant, to the point that I appear egotistical. I have many things I need to work on like well being, and enjoying solitude which I used to enjoy but have come to dislike over the past few years from being so close to my x and having so many friends, family and activities. I need to put down some roots which I was in the process of doing when crap hit the fan. I had really itchy feet untill I was 24. That lack of 'stability' sense of home is I think a large contributor to my x's feelings of discontent. Her actions, and my reaction to them, happened right on the cusp of seeing all our plans come to fruition- our 10 year plan so to speak, really set it back for us as a family and her especially no matter what the outcome is.