cobra

I have no 'Proof' to offer other then my words, and so I am extremely hesitant to enter into something that is going to become attack and defend.

Several of your quotes and guesses have been entirely off the mark from the context of what I posted, but if this is an attack as opposed to a discussion it will be clear soon enough.
You have some really good insights that I see as being not quite finished, and have also added to my knowledge recently in a couple of your postings. Because of this I will see if we can get off on a different foot. If not I will just ignore you.


But in my mind you still seem to have some confusion over what went wrong. My take is that during the days after she left, your “crazy making” was from not being able to reconcile her actions when the sincere intentions and efforts you had been making. You could not find a rational explanation for why she left

I actually know exactly what I did wrong. We had crashing insecurities that were exacerbated by allowing and enabling OM to infiltrate and assault my marriage. I take responsibility and understand it all rationally.

My 'crazy making' comes from her continued contact with me, attraction for, and unwillingness to make a decision.

At no time has she ever accused me of being domineering or manipualtive, she left the second time because of an uncharacteristic ( that means I havent done it before, I dont lose my temper with women. ) outburst of mine that led her to believe that I could/would never forgive her for what had transpired.

I dont have panic, I have pain at the loss of something wonderful to me, pain that she is doing this on a chance, that will not come to fruition, and pain from her pain, confusion, and depresssion that I hold myself responsible for but am unable to do anything about.

when I speak to her of the damage done from her angry spells, the toxic shaming she would put forth, the fights with my father, she will not accept any responsibility

This was about your mother as an example, but there is nothing of me in this statement.

True compatibility in a healthy relationship depends on honesty, openness, good communication, and a thorough understanding of you and your partner’s issues (I’m sure I’m missing other important things

This is why I am not 'trying' to get my x back like I did my first go round. This will come off cocky but I know I have the skill to frame control and dial up attraction with her enough to 'win' again. This is not winning to me. I did it the first time for her, out of love, at much cost to myself.
Trust, honesty, and communication, (not my skills at decoding) are too important to me. It is not her deciding to 'forsake all others' or not have any involvement with OM.

I interpret your suggestions as falling into two camps, what I will call tactics and overall strategy.....By tactics I am thinking of how someone would approach a particular issue, how to get a point across, how to resolve a particular habit, a point in time action

First my 'tactics' are not to control or manip. They are to improve myself as a person, and remove insecurity from myself. By doing this I am able to remove fear, and hence acting out or in a incorrect manner. If I am confidant, then I will be unafraid to simply BE MYSELF, which will in turn attract women in general, but specifically allow me to clearly know my boucndaries, and in turn not be afraid of losing those that are not truly compatible with ME.

If these were point in time actions, tactics, or a strategy
it wouldnt matter how good a actor I am or practiced at these 'tactics' I was; it would very very shortly be seen thru by any women because of the lack of congruence with my actions and specifically body language, and even quicker by a 'intelligent' woman where everything has to mesh. 'Dumb' girls ( I use that term loosely as there are 7 kinds of intelligence) those that are kinetically skilled instead of verbally adept, can be swayed much better with JUST body language, then with trying to use words.

I had a very successful R for 8 years, untill I stopped being myself, ran into insecurity, and severed the EC with my x instead of maintaining and protecting it when it was vulnerable. She HAS said this. quoting her " why did you push me away when I asked you to be there? why did you bring OM into everything if you knew he was like that?"

Thank you for making my head hurt again. cobra.
Bastard j/k rough weekend.

Anyways I lost my x because I stopped doing what I know to be true. She lost respect for me because of it and OM capitalized on it.

Star wars is cheesy but the statement fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to the dark side is so true. All of our actions in a R are fouled and incorrect when they are driven by fear.

I dont wish to control and at the same time I will not allow others to control me. Women are wired to test us as men, their survival and there progenies survival depend on it. When we slip up, even if we recover, the testing is momentarily amped up untill it is convincing and reliable again. This idea has been borne out IMO on this board over and over again.


You should start a thread for yourself. As a self proclaimed introvert, you could stand some social skill work. You have read so much, climb out of your intellectual ivory tower- so to speak- and let us offer you some outsider insight. It HELPS tremendously.
I say this as someone who never wants help. Love to be there for others... never want to need others.
Working on it.