Blackfoot I certainly cannot say what is going on in your ex's head but she probably doesn't want to completely burn any of her bridges. Just like you said, if the OM fu*ks her over, she is probably hoping you will be there in the wings to pick up the pieces. You will have a clearer head once the OM is gone. Will it be too late? Only you can say.
google the lyrics for Feel Good Inc, I was sucked into the melody and tonality initially but the lyrics ended up being good too.
LFL yes it will be too late. She will be unable to get ahold of me after my Bday. I will be looking for the next Mrs. blackfoot and will not bring anymore baggage then neccesary, or is unavoidable. I do really well with locking down my head. Finding a keeper requires huge amounts of number crunching, by the time I get to her I should be over comparing, and expectations. That is my previous experience, havent ever had a almost decade long marriage/R though.
That means she didnt trust me. that means she thinks I am a liar and he is honest. that means she was unable to stick with marriage vows. that means her biology dictates to her. that means..... ALOT
The following comments are a continuation of the discussion on Globule’s thread. My take on Blackfoot follows the lines stated by LFL over there, but for different reasons. I suspect BF has some pretty strong narcissistic tendencies. Note the following points:
• You are young (I believe under 30) and not old enough IMO to fully understand the intricacies of personality interactions. You have a basic knowledge of FOO but only as it applies to how you can become appealing to women. • You are self critical to the extent of consciously plotting different approaches to women’s different personalities and defenses. In this way you are very calculating, which is the source of your insight. This also makes you very manipulative (and possibly harmful to others). • You do seem to be sensitive to criticism from others (but aren’t we all) when a challenge is made to your authority. This has only recently come out on Globule’s thread. • Your have always had an air of arrogance. I sense you are intelligent, as are most narcissists. You know enough to acknowledge others that know more than you, and not get into an argument with those that could take down your façade. But there is another reason to this civility. • Your problems with your ex are well thought out and rationalized, but under all this is a glimmer than your wife got tired of your domineering attitudes and being treated like a child. While she may have been immature and dysfunctional herself, the fact that she was seduced away from you leads me to believe that her story would sound completely different.
So in light of these observations, I believe your MO is that of a narcissist, or at least someone with strong narcissistic tendencies. If you read Sam Vaknin’s website, you will see parallels between what he calls “narcissistic supply” and your actions. (I am also coming to believe WishingItWasOver exhibits some of these traits as well.) You need to build up a pool of favors, helping others to in turn receive the respect and adoration you need. On a message board, this can only come through civility and respect – hence the calculated acknowledgement and civility toward other’s opinions.
Blackfoot, I believe the trauma you felt from your separation does stem from losing someone you love, but also from losing the adoration (narcissistic supply) of your wife. You gained comfort and security in knowing you had control over someone else. She finally got fed up with this and did the only thing she could – she left. I am not sure if there is anyone on this planet that could get you to change, back down from your arrogant attitudes and become humble.
Read up on this subject. I guarantee you will see yourself written in all the pages. I also guarantee it will make you so mad you will throw down the book and curse it as a bunch of lies. Then you will know it is the truth.
Personally I don’t care whether someone is narcissistic or not, as long as I am not married to one (although I think I am married to someone with mild tendencies). The point of my comments is that putting this out on the board will hopefully trigger a debate at a deeper level, from which we can all learn, especially you Blackfoot, if you are open to it. So what do you say, are you man enough (challenge to the subconscious id, or ego)?
havent read globule thread yet today, wanted to see what you had to say after you misread my post yesterday, when I specifically encouraged globule to to spend QT with wife and CHILDEREN and intead of arguing with you about it, or even defending myself, acknowledged that you had very important points.
the rest of your post has factual errors and ....... ..... I guarantee you will see yourself written in all the pages. I also guarantee it will make you so mad you will throw down the book and curse it as a bunch of lies. Then you will know it is the truth......trigger a debate at a deeper level, from which we can all learn, especially you Blackfoot, if you are open to it. So what do you say, are you man enough (challenge to the subconscious id, or ego)?
alll of this, the challenging my manhood.......
cobra, I am here to show guys that want to learn or try something different, what attraction is, to a woman. I only posted my own sitch when others asked, and only posted in womens threads, when I was asked, and continued when my conversation style caused some dialogue that led to some great insights, and some laughs.
I am going to be too busy with work in another 2 weeks to continue posting as much here. (actually I am running away in fear of you. you may expose me as a charlatan, I can see your point how it is stupid to DEFER to someone who has MORE knowledge then you, instead of arguing with them. WTF????) You think you sensed some fear or weakness in my last response to you on globule thread and now you are seemingly trying to follow it up to what end I dont know.
You dont know my age even and I posted it, my education, my background, how many personal R's I have been in, the list is endless. I dont care about you or your opinion of what one aspect you see of my personlity on a BB, where I am using the personality traits at the same time as explaning them to demonstrate their value. Apparently you must be an alpha male and my presence has got you riled up. Are you a lawyer?
blackfoot, sooner or later, one of us gets under somebody's skin or they get under our skin. This has happened to me (before you got here) and the sparks indeed flew. I contemplated running away and never coming back. Some have run away and never come back. But this group is valuable and honest and unique, and I couldn't tear myself away.
You remind me SOOOO much of my bf. Before he started seeing this therapist if he was challenged he would instantly get really defensive and come down on you like a ton of bricks. Lately he still does it some, but he quickly comes back in the room and wants to hear what you have to say. He now sees that just because something irritates the snot out of him doesn't mean it isn't true. In fact, it probably means it is true. I admire him immensely for allowing himself to learn this.
The internet is such a beautiful medium. No one knows who we are, what we look like, what kind of car we drive, how much money we make. Everything anyone knows about us comes only through these little words typed in these little boxes. It's utterly pure. WHERE can you get this kind of interaction and feedback anywhere else on the planet? Nowhere, that's where.
Many a time I've gotten mad at something, especially at things that certain people have posted to me-- but you know what-- they are reacting to the way I came across in the teeny boxes. That's a very valuable thing-- especially for me as a writer-- to know how I come across in writing.
So don't run off. Someone challenged you. So what. Cobra has posted some very wise things here and on other threads. We all have stuff to learn from each other, so do like they say in alanon: "Take what you want and leave the rest."
Your presence has added a lot to the discussion. So don't just take your marbles and go home. Don't make so many rules for yourself about what threads to post in or whom to reply to. Just be yourself and you'll be fine.
Cobra, you are one articulate son-of-a-gun. Glad you've joined our little festival. Is the Sam V group on yahoo? Or can you supply a link to it. I've long suspected my bf has narcissistic tendencies. I've read a couple of books on the subject and have seen him lurking there.
Im not going anywhere HD, I was being sarcastic about running away in fear. My work is going to kick into high gear soon though, I have been off since June 29, and my work is not 40/week.
LIL, if I hadnt taken the time to explain the phrases (defend myself?) that got you ladies riled up, a lot of laughs and insights would have been missed. I never get irritated here.
I know exactly how I come off, and its not going to stop. I am not trying to flesh out my whole personality in these boxes. Cobra is right about one thing, I am very calculating in a sense. I dont mind if my ID controls me, as long as I am aware of it, and it is in my best interest.
Im not even mad at Cobra, I am slightly amused but bored by his technique to call me out, and attempts to assert himself. If he really wanted to point out I may have narcisstic tendancies, there are many other ways to do it. I actually am enjoying the sparing that he is offering. Im disappointed that you thought this, or anything could make me 'take my marbles home'.
Ditto to cobra being articulate (I especially appreciated his use of bulletin points -lol- have to throw a jab in there) and adding some wise things to other threads........ hence my belief that he has a agenda, trying to crack my 'facade' as he put it.
You know, I like that he doesnt like my board persona, it means he has got some alpha male, superior tendancies himself.
I have said attraction isnt a choice, and that it is SELFISH. Funny how that could come off as narcisstic.............hmmmmm.....
Quote: cobra, I am here to show guys that want to learn or try something different, what attraction is, to a woman.
Gee, I wonder why people say you come across as being cocky???
Quote: I can see your point how it is stupid to DEFER to someone who has MORE knowledge then you, instead of arguing with them.
I’m not sure I understand this. Clearly, it’s meant to be sarcastic, but it’s not very successful. Assuming that you’re trying to say that you have more knowledge – that hasn’t been established. It isn’t even close to being established.
Quote: I dont care about you or your opinion of what one aspect you see of my personlity on a BB, where I am using the personality traits at the same time as explaning them to demonstrate their value.
A little touchy aren’t we? Someone questions you and the persona you project on the BB and you respond by saying that you don’t care about them or what they think? Have you ever considered that maybe, just maybe, you could do a little listening and learning yourself instead of just “helping” the rest of us while you’re in this brief lull before moving on to your next R?
Having said all of that, let me say that I’m glad you’re here. Well, not glad that you’re here, but you know what I mean. You do have some interesting perspectives and have given some really good advice. And BTW, if you have a Falco, I loooooove your bike. I’ve been riding nothing but European bikes since 82. Mostly BMW, but there was one Guzzi and this hot, red Duc…
As you might say, I didn’t really mean to challenge your manhood, I’m just busting your chops!
Actually I quite enjoy reading your posts. The only agenda I have is to further my own insight and understanding. You are a work of art and as a narcissist (of sorts), a rather tough cookie to crack. When LFL tried to peg your MO, I thought she was slightly off base, so I thought I’d take a stab at it myself. You see, I have a mother who could be considered narcissistic, so you’re not such a great mystery to me, but pegging you as such gives me a certain sense of satisfaction. This is nothing about you, just me.
And like you, I used to love heated philosophical debates when in college. I could see trading jabs with you as very intellectually challenging.
Your response is also as I was expecting, according to my theory. Read about yourself on http://samvak.tripod.com/. Your defensiveness is exactly predictable. I know you said you were not leaving, but even if you did, you would not be able to stop checking in on this site just to see what we might be saying about you. So I’m pretty sure you’re not leaving.
Well I read this thread a few hours ago. And came back to read it again.
Cobra I have a question not real up on narcism but from what I know of it. It pertains to a person with a belief that life revolves around them. They have superiour over inflated notions of self worth. How do you come to the idea that this is blackfoots personality.
Though Blackfoot is more then slightly egotistical he does not project a image of being a superior self from my POV. Yes he has a tendency to project the belief that the male gender is at a whole superior to the female gender that is not a projection of self.
From what I understand a narcissistic person tends to speak of themselves mostly. BF has been reluctant to speak about his self in the past. From what I understand narcissistic people tend to crave compliments. Though BF engages in flirty banter he tends to down play any form of compliments else wise. Would a narcissistic be able to point to there own faults and take responsibility for there mistakes openly. Or would they tend to point fingers and point out circumstances that misguided them. I have no clue on this point.
Your comment of how he tends to bow down when he percieves someone to have a greater knowledge then himself sounds as if it is a fault in your opinion and that really confuses me. To put your ego aside and open show respect for someone else who's opinion differs or knowledge exceeds your own is a awesome trait IMO.
You gained comfort and security in knowing you had control over someone else I see egotism not control. What am I missing ?
back down from your arrogant attitudes and become humble.
Again I am not seeing the basis for this comment.
I am going to seek out that website to get a better understanding of what makes a person narcissistic. I must not have a very good understanding of this since I do not see what you do.
Well gotta wrap this up time to pick up my other kid But what I see in BF.
I see a form of mild amusement. A person that plays on words and his intellegence to not only inspire others but to communicate with them. I see a person who uses there persona as a front to open lines of communication with others. But I also see a pretty sincere person behind it all. One who is still growing and learning and healing.
