Chrissy a few of the women have given me insight in my x behaivior, thoughts but I haven't ever had a women in my head like that. ever. or even verbalizing the dynamics of my sitch. Its disconcerting.
Couple quick notes, I KNOW her and OM WELL. So when she and I have a conversation and suddenly he (his arguments, phrases, viewpoints) is speaking to me with her voice, it gets me real negative real fast. We were really in love, she says ' I was whupped on you, blackfoot.' When I say if OM werent around --I mean if he hadnt lived with us. Affair didnt start during a time of neglect or LYNILWY. She is in love with both of us.(Got 2 long text messages while I was in san fran this weekend and 1 reminiscing email. I refuse to decode.) Yeah we had crashing insecurities, and a break in our EC, but those are cycles that go on in every R and nothing like what I see described around here. He was smooth and she was naive. The first time. No excuse the second. Now the feelings are there and even she admits she is ruled by her feelings. If we had kids she would have a reason to make a decision. He and I had equal value to her.
I dont think I have more guts then anyone else, I fell apart when A started. (b!tch-slap self repeatedly for being a wuss ) I should have walked immediately. It would have given us a better chance.
I am really trying to make my decision without ego and/or letting it become a narcisstic injury. The particular style of affair, and because I know OM's philosophy/technique is a huge part of it. The storm already came though, the time to make hard decisions. The character and beliefs of exceptable behaivior of both of us was exposed during the storm.
as for trolling the bars... the quality of women I am attracting right now with my straitforward approach, Hi I am blackfoot, I am seperated/divorcing... . leaves much to be desired. Trolling is a good word. (tried the freak of nature comment, she walked away, but came back 15 minutes later and wanted to know what I meant by it. still no drink in face. lol)
I have stated why I am here in previous posts and chrissy nailed it too. again. I have things to work on right now, (lawsuit, moving north, new contracts, physical therapy) fresh meat isnt one of my concerns. I mastered finding new or next a long time ago, finding and getting/being a keeper is something I am obviously still working on. Thank you ladies for your unflagging support in pointing out all my flaws/ screwups.
They will be there when D is finalized and I am available. Besides if you look at the time of my last few posts youll know I am not just coming home from the book store.
) I should have walked immediately. It would have given us a better chance. 
