The superior man...does not set his mind either for anything, or against anything; what is right he will follow.
Confucius
LFL, You do see the differences in our sitches, don't you? Your H did not deceive, lie, sneak, seperate, become vicious, and deliberately hurtful in an attempt to DRIVE you away, etc, because of OP. twice.
Your H may have been selfish, and hurtful, but he was honest, straightforward, and IMO had integrity, with the sep. He is a guy and things built up to the point were he needed some time to himself, as scary as that was for you-- it was good for you in the end. I dont remember you saying he blamed you for it. Your involvement was after being a LBS. It did NOT start after he offered to work on things, and began making efforts. You remember the feelings it caused and I seriously doubt you would do it again. Your H's value to you is high enough to respect his No OM boundary.
I was wrong to lose my temper and verbally rag on her, it doesnt justify, or excuse 2nd time of more of the same. Her R with him is 95% virtual, he lives 2000 miles away. there is no reason to believe she will stop it or ever did for that matter.
There are many people here who have crashing insecurities, but are strong enough to stick it out and look into things to see if they can fix the sitch, even though their SO withdraws for a few months. There is no way we would be seperated or divorcing if there were no OM.
I got weird yesterday, after her phone call because I let her step over my personal booundaries again, letting her ramble about her version of the past. Bad blackfoot. Oh well I got my thought control back,now. Thanks for letting me vent. There are conceivable, but unlikely situations where I would be willing to work on things. The current Victim mentality, unforgiving, no personal responsibility, disrespect, are not them.
I believe I have 'fixed' my mistakes.
She is having an affair. There is nothing for me to 'fix' as long as that is the case. Doing anything other then standing firm and waiting for her to make a decision, and demonstrate changes, woould be sabotaging another reconcil attempt. It would increase my resentment and lack of respect. Abusing my skills with frame control, and pushing her attraction buttons, is not her making logical decisions, understanding her mistakes or giving us the right framework for it to workout.
She started the clock ticking, and on my bday Dday she, and everything associated with her will cease to exist in my life. It will be best for both of us, she will be forced to focus on R with OM, her confusion will end, and I wont have to go thru life with that uncertainty.
I am so glad that we did.
I am glad you did too, and am really impressed by your strength and willingness to make changes and take personal responsibility to make things work. Thanks for sharing your experiences with me/us.
Just started posting here today and have been reading your thread. I am singularly impressed with your attitude, your grasp of reality, and your use of the vernacular. If I ever get the gumption (darnit, now everyone knows I'm from the South) I'll post some about myself. Unlike CeMar (been reading that thread too), I'd love to get advice from you - and the ladies of course - on how to make myself and my relationship as strong as it can be. And I'll promise not to be too much a of politician and give straight answers to straight questions.
Anyway, don't want to dilute your post, just thought I'd say hey. I can't say I'll be a strong male presence on this board, but I'll do my best to add a little of that flavor and give the ladies someone else to poke fun at instead of you and the other poor saps.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
globule, bead, drop, bubble, small spehrical mass.....
awesome, and Welcome. Its anon so make use of that and be bluntly, embarrasingly honest. stop wasting time lets hear what is up with you.
give the ladies someone else to poke fun at instead of you and the other poor saps.
1. I am not a poor sap. I am a force to be reckoned with. Victims have no power, no control. 2. I use the term ladies loosely around here, their potty mouths, and over the top sexual drives are shockingly immodest, and completely UNlady like. 3. With a few rare exceptions, their pokes are completely predictable, and CUTE .
Quote: There is no way we would be seperated or divorcing if there were no OM.
If I had a dime for everytime I have read something like that on this site. You know damned well Blackfoot that the OM is not the real issue. It's a smoke screen. She is obviously not ready to face your M head-on and I do not blame you for protecting yourself emotionally. You seem to be making great progress on "fixing" yourself and not letting her take that power away from you. We can all use some similar fixing around here Still, your M (minus the OM) seems to have such strong potential. I can sense it in your posts. Granted, I have not heard her side of the story but from you have told, there seems to be really strong chemistry. Not just sexual. That is very hard to find in life. I'm still pulling for a happy ending here. But you know us chicks, we love this sh*t
Quote: 2. I use the term ladies loosely around here, their potty mouths, and over the top sexual drives are shockingly immodest, and completely UNlady like. 3. With a few rare exceptions, their pokes are completely predictable, and CUTE .
I am working on my charm, gonna be needing it soon. Thanks for the positive reinforcement.
Lol you ladies know I was just messin with ya.
You know damned well Blackfoot that the OM is not the real issue. It's a smoke screen. She is obviously not ready to face your M head-on
Yep absoulutely correct.
I have been thinking alot about GEL,s thread and EC. I know that is the real reason. Which brings us right back to Chrissys take on the sitch, and my belief there is no happy ending here. Yeah I am trying to protect myself, but from myself, and by making good decisions.
Come-on LFL, is there anything here that shows, respect, forgiveness, patience, strength? I just see shame, misery, and depression from the loss of something great, exchanged for a liar and a player. When someone leaves because they arent getting what they need, I can respect that.
The new girl gabby for example. she needs more from her H, she isnt happy, she has told him repeatedly. She wants to divorce fine. sneaking around having affairs, blech. I respect selfishness(that is not a negative word) when it comes with honesty, and integrity.
I was never given a chance, never warned that I had to change, that things were so bad she wanted a D , that she was thinking of leaving, that she had feeling for OM,(though I saw them). It all happened after. I was nagged for a few short months, about something I knew was temporary but I was never given any sort of clear or even coded communication that she needed more-- like I have seen from the women on this board.
Which bring me back to MY real issues, honesty, trust, loyalty, respect.
That strong chemistry was based on something that no longer exists for me.
I was never given a chance to change either Blackfoot. When H left (without warning), he continued to say "it's not you, it's me" line of BS. He admits now (to a degree) that he was avoiding confronting me on anything and just wanted to escape. Not very manly, attractive, respectful, honest, etc. The feelings are similar Blackfoot whether you have been left for OM or a bachelor pad (minus the bachelorettes,lol). The point is he deceived me just as you were deceived. You stated "I just see shame, misery, and depression", yep. That was me too. All I know is that it is POSSIBLE for you to mend the M if your W shows true remorse for her actions, as my H has done. I knew deep down I wanted our M to work but I was holding on for dear life to all of those protective thoughts/feelings - it will never work, he deceived me, he has no respect for us, blah blah blah. It was not until my attitude and perspective changed that I was able to embrace the reconciliation. Granted, your W still seems to be holding on to OM, so she is not ready yet. But, maybe she will be one day and you CAN be happier than you ever were before. IF you choose to be. I stated in another thread that I really think it takes BOTH people to get to that better place. The OM sounds like a real jackass and she will see it sooner or later. You will either be there for her when she comes to her senses or you wont. You do have control. IF you are TRULY at peace with your decision to move on forever without her than I will shut up. But, I think it's good to have a reminder that it does NOT have to be the one outcome probably all of your friends and family are telling you right now. That's simply going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm just providing that other perspective. Take it or leave it. I know that you will
Globule: Small, isolated gas and dust cloud of relatively high density and low temperature. Thought to be the birthplace of stars.
I'll do my best to be completely honest, even though I'm sure it will make quite a few people here hate me. But them's the breaks, sometimes we make mistakes in life and if we aren't willing to take our lumps, we'll never get over them.
Got company today so I can't tell the whole story just yet, but soon. Thanks in advance for listening. I can tell already that my story is a mixture of several different people's stories on this board, with a few unique twists perhaps.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Thanks in advance for your offer to listen. I can tell you that our stories have some similarities to them. I guess that's why we are here. Not much time today to post the whole story, I'll be back later.
I have liked coldplay since the first time I heard "Clocks" on the radio. Reminded me of Sting and the Cure, two of my other favorite artists. Unfortunately my kids always seem to zero in on that CD to get out of the entertainmnet center and scratch up. I think I have bought "Rush of Blood to the Head" four times now. I really would like to hear them in concert sometime. Their songs really speak to me about unrequited love, happiness tinged with sadness, and "real life" (if you know what I mean), not that sugary sweet stuff you usually hear on the radio.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Just a quick question you just recently decided enough with the OM. That working on your R with H was more important then what OM in your life provided you with. What if you had not made that choice. You choose to keep other man in your life. Then say 6 months down the line you all of a sudden decided to try at your marriage again. Would you expect your H to be open to trying again? To take a thrid go around at the situation not knowing for sure if other man was going to stay out of the picture this time.
Your situation was not based on lies. BF's was and for a person who values honesty and trust above all (which I am assuming BF does by some comments he has made). Compromising that value is compromising a element of your own self respect. Empowering someone else to what you hold sacred as people should there own self respect is not benifical and can even cause damage to ones self perception. Though sad as it may seem because it is apparent that BF loved/loves his wife very much and at one time there seemed to a very powerful love involved. The chance of recapturing that love is at what cost to BF. A great one if it takes him from being a person who totally believes in Honesty and Trust to one who is always aware there may be hidden meanings and thoughts behind his wifes actions this breeds suspision and insecurity and is not that same love he had previously. I don't believe BF is shallow enough to live that type of love. I believe he has a need for intense love. Which once experienced leaves all other forms somewhat lacking. So more then a want to just protect himself from future hurt. I think he is aware he and his wife will never re-establish the type of relationship that thye had previously and it will always be less fufilling and that would create a saddness.
I like that BF is holding to his beliefs. That he is not willing to compromise what he values. He is not willing to settle for almost and wants it all. He has balls others including myself lack.
Life is shorter then you know. His sitch is less complicated then others since there are no children involved. He has the chance to chase his dreams and catch them. I say go for it don't settle for a blue car when you really wanted a silver one go to another dealership and another until you find the one that fits and are satisfied to drive around for the rest of your life.
