I listed in a previous post why she fell in love with him, and I am aware of how we are attracted to the same types, repeat mistakes untill we fix them, etc, but I sure appreciate you bringing it up to help me-- warn me. Thanks HP. Thats one of the many reasons why I wanted to work on it. Thats why I dont bang from R to R.
She never complained of any LB's, during our marriage, and during our 4 months back together when we looked at MB, she said that none of those was a prob before affair. I had never seen MB before the Affair but because of other influences and practices in my life, I do pretty good at eliminating them. Still looking at myself I would say Independant Behaivior needs to be worked on, and after LFL's post, my confidance could be damaging by ignoring her insecurities, and not feeling as if she has enough power in the R, thus an annoying habit. Need to find me a more confidant woman next time. J/K.
--Side bar to LFL, since finding our your H is a phsycologist, his apparent lack of anger, resentment, over your OR is perfectly understandable to me. Your perception of him being emotionally indifferant, I would see as his efforts towards control. as guys we have to show emotions for a women to be connected to us, but be in control of them for a women to feel secure. ( I will never forget OG LOU's tossing dinner as a perfect example of this,) IT is a freaking hard line, that you ladies want us to walk.!!
Men learn quick that reacting to a woman is the wrong tactic, so we go the other way and show none. Most do it by stuffing them, untill they overwhelm. When they finaly build up to where we cant CONTROL them and they overwhelm us, we withdraw, or lash out and both instances cause the same reaction in you. "That INSENSITIVE JERK!! LOL
Back to independant behaivior, I always discussed future plans with her, but I mentioned before she always went along with my decisions. That makes her sound weak minded which she wasnt at all, she is a succesful white collar woman with a lot of responsibility, but she just .....trusted me.
There were a couple of situations in the week before she and OM declared their feelings-- one each where I did something and I said something that exacerbated her insecurities. we have both agreed during the reconciliation, that she did it because of pride and was retaliating at me for those two instances..... then after the verbalization, there was a 6 week period where she was in this loop and couldnt figure out why this happened, why she felt this way, where those feeeling were coming from, etc.
The feelings were too much and she IM'ed him, I got upset and the card house fell down. THIS is my weekness, but it only exists within marriage. I have been in Rs before and had the woman say 'I am interestd in this guy' or 'I told someone I like them' or the most extreme 'I kissed OM last night.' My reaction is always the same, "you should go out with him", or "Cool". No discussion and no more physical, emotional contact untill they figure out their sh!t. The reaction was always the same. Its only when you get whiney, needey, angry, disrespectful etc, that the justifications and rationalizing start flying.
Under this context (marriage)I couldnt do it. I wasnt allowed to walk away due to my beliefs,even though she was disrespecting my core boundaries and our stated values and I wasnt allowed to make demands by simple dyad dynamics.
Lessons learned for me. I wont ever bring someone else in that tight again, obviously. I should have know better anyways.
I know where I messed up the reconciliation. My Love Busting behaivior was during the reconciliation, and I have stated I couldn't stand how I behaved during this time. 8 months of emotional stuffing was more then I could handle, I guess. I didnt make use of anyplace to vent.
I wish CSW would drop by once in a while and vent and let us know how he is doing. There is going to be ups and downs. she stated 'I dont have to take that.', in reference to her b-day, (my LB'ing, the second seperation). She is completely correct, but her lack of understanding and unforgiveness after I 'took' her 8 month affair says loads. It led me to DB and here and learning more about myself and meeting some people who make me laugh and have given me some fantastic insights.
Chrissy, You asked about a 11th hour scenario. Thats pretty much what happened last time. I don't see it happening without my initiation.
My statemet of loving her, is my memories of her, and how I remember us. I dont have any anger, or resentment.I havent heard from her for a month. I feel terrible for her. I know I will be ok, and always reach my goals. We have both lost a lot.
