You need not defend yourself or take blame for these area's. Life teaches us lessons that other wise we cannot learn. Books only give us knowledge experience give us understanding. That in itself leaves us faultless and guiltless to certain aspects in life.
Are you talking to my x? Do I know you from somewhere?
No I do not know you or your wife. I do have first hand experience of a simular situation.
My H brother once lived with us. While I related to him as best friend material. The boundries became blurred for him. His overstepping them the first time was a reality check for myself. I questioned my own behavior towards him and distanced myself from the situation to a degree. His overstepping them a second time made me realize it was not myself but his brothers egotistical need to get what my H had. Which was easy for me to see because there had always been a power struggle/competition between them a need to best each other and oddly a sense of entitlement to what the other had. I did not tell my H of his brothers behavior for years due to my belief in family bonds. And I did not want to be the cause of any pain my H would feel. I also know that the severing the ties of family/friends has a life time impact. I did not want to be responsible for that I live with that sin against my soul already. Anyhow I distanced myself further from the situation I stopped being around his brother other then family functions and then only treated him with cool indifference. No one ever took note in the difference in my response to my BIL. Which oddly years later showed up a a huge resentment factor for me. I learned I did feel my H had failed to protect me. So no I do not know you but I know your situation in a round about way.
Was I expecting her to be super-woman? Was I testing her in the most ridiculous situation, with a guy who would go to the time and effort to actually pull it off. It wasn't conscious, but inevitable it sure became.
My opinion no. You were blinded by ego and trust.
She has asked "If I knew he was like that why did I take her there." she was going thru my emails during our reconciliation, and saw something about it. Even though he was a known preditar. He was your friend first. Even though she may be looked at as pry. She was your wife.
I can only imagine at the time what you saw was. He was your friend and would never over step the boundries of that friendship. And she was your wife with whom you had a great relationship so you did not feel a need to add all the twist and turns of life and potential dynamics it bring into the situation. You cannot fault yourself for that now in the aftermath. Life had not taught you this important lesson yet. Had this have not happened you would have never learned that it can happen in life your life. Though you may of learned that the possibility of it existed in your text book knowledge.
Let me ask you a question as of now do you believe in blind trust?
one reason I took all the blame is because of my education on this stuff.(another is because its easier to fix something you own.)
Oddly those books have not taught you that you can not own what is not yours to own in the first place. Meaning you can try to take on all the blame but it's not all yours to own so you still can not fix it.
But of course this irritates me because she still has feelings for him, and went back after I slipped up.
The preditor/rogue had time to study you in your R. He saw what about you intrigued your wife what she saw as good quality's and he saw what displeased her what she saw as bad qualities. He mimics the good and steps around the bad. Which I believe is how he blurs the lines for your wife. When he is in his game he is on top of it. When he is not in his game. When he is not feeling challenged because he feels he has won already his true colors seep through which distorts your wifes image of him. I am sure that this can become very confusing for your wife that it makes her not be able to truely define where you end and he begins since you both have the same traits. Hence the volleying back in forth between the two of you.
One thing and the only thing I can suggest is you do not take on blame or responsibility for your wife her depression and appearance right now. This man this rogue. He plays a game with people it is his self esteem and lack of it that causes him to get a fix by trying to take what belongs to another. Your wife was a trophey that he was not seeking. He was not after her he was after you. Your persona what you had was not a wife he wanted but a attitude. Yes that same male egotism that blinded you to him. The fact that he again became interested in your wife while you were trying to rebuild your relationship is proof of this. This man emotionally blackmailed your wife into playing in his game. And I am sure that she has come to realize this. That she was just a means to a end to him. The blowout from that realization guilt reponsibility all of it is hers to shoulder and learn from. Let her. You have your own.
After all I had married her. Why would she possible think I was going to leave her? It was so obvious to me, why couldnt she see it?
Gosh this question seems so simple and obviously is not. I wonder the same thing about my H and his rampant jealousy issues. But interestingly enough I wonder if the answer is not in my original post to you.
Thanks for pointing out what a egotistical jerk I am to everyone else here Chrissy No problem I love male bashing ! j/k
In truth I was not trying to point this out to others. I was trying to point out to you that how based on one naive decision in your life. Yours and others lifes were changed drastically and though there is always responsiblilities/ consequences that are repercussion from these types of decisions fault is not always one of them.
You are young You were naive. You have learned a lesson from it if only it be a greater understanding of human nature. You will take that lesson and experience with you through out the rest of your life some where some how that lesson will later enhance some aspect of your life. Though you have paid a dear price for the knowledge you recieved.
And yes as Hairdog pointed out you are young you will do fine.
j/k 
