Hi Blackfoot- There is so much to comment on in that post but I'll keep it as short as possible. My point with the "hot enough" comment about your xW is that she obviously sensed that attitude from you throughout your M. You stated she was scared you were going to leave from the beginning. In a sense you had the POWER in the relationship, and maybe by having the affair, that was her way of saying F-you, now I have the POWER.
It sucks to feel insecure and powerless. It also sucks when your S takes the attitude that you will always be there no matter what. (I'm referring to my own S here, maybe it applies to you too).
My H pre-separation used to piss me off when he would say things like "I know you would never cheat on me." You may think that is a good statement, but to me (and I think many women) it is the message between the lines that counts. In other words, he was saying "You've got too good a thing with me and you better be happy with what you have because you won't find better." That's what I mean by TOO cocky. Maybe cocky isn't the word, but an attitude that no matter what HE does, SHE should be happy with it. A big turn off.
I think it was in Honeypot's thread where people suggested that Mr. H should "woo" her more. That is a good idea. But it is very hard for the W to be receptive to that "woo-ing" after a M full of baggage. That is how I am feeling the last few days. H is still "woo-ing" me but I am not feeling receptive to it like I was last week. Why? Was I faking it to see if it would work? Maybe. Not a great way to get thru a M. Certainly won't last too long.
Sort of like you Blackfoot, "dragging" your W to the museums, etc. Is it to little too late? Maybe it was for her.
You state, "Remarriage is unacceptable." If that is your view, do you think it is because she had an affair or because of the separation or what? I'm genuinely interested in this answer because I'm wondering if reconcilation with my own H right now is "workable" in the long-term. There has been so much hurt on both sides. I'm really starting to doubt if it is possible. I mean it would be easy to get back together and have an "ok" M, but not a great one. I want a great one! Is that too much to ask? Maybe too much has happened and that is no longer a possibility.
You basically said that you would have a hard time forgiving your W for the affair with your friend. That is "wrecked your self-esteem." If my H feels anywhere near that, is this doomed? He keeps so much inside that I don't feel like I really know what he thinks of this, and yes I have come right out and asked him. I think he gives me the answer I want to hear so that we get back together. Well, what about after we are back together? What then?
