just got home from hanging with my bar buddies. why is it that I know as soon as my divorce is finalized and I allow myself to be available that all these women that are everywhere and available to me now will simple vanish? my sitch doesnt belong on this forum... so I will be happy to delete it. I am not even interested in posting it as I am not looking for advice, or help any longer, but since there are a few here that have asked for it and I have put in my $.02 to a few others its only fair to let people know about me. Im going to try to keep it brief.
me 32 soon to be xW 29 no kids together 9 years divorce finalizes on my b-day next month. KARMA.
NOPkins, yeah I chose my handle because of a small part of my lineage. HP your use of blackie cracks me up everytime. I love it. I found this website back in June, ran across CSW thread, man of steel, you go dude. was impressed with NOPkins perfect to the T advice. My sitch had been going on for close to a year and we had just seperated for the second time. soooo My W ...XW and I decided years ago to move out of SO CAL when she graduated for a host of reasons. It ended up taking her 7 years. For the year prior to that we lived with her parents because at the time she supposedly only had 3 months of school left, and we didnt want to get a lease. I HATED HATED HATED IT. Her parents were great, but it irked me. Found out it was going to take more then three months ( did I mention a year after we got married she informed me that she had flunked out of school and didnt tell me because she was afraid I would leave her? I never would have I thought marriage was for life. its a recurring theme, her thinking I was going to leave her) I was a contractor my job then and now is in the top 5 most dangerous jobs... Ive had 3 out of the 5...career change when we moved was always part of the family plan. Got a dream job in the movie industry during that time(living with her parents). I was working 12-18 hours a day not including commute (if I didnt sleep in my office). worked 98 hours one week and another time worked 15 days straight. She was working full time and going to school full time. I almost had a affair with my PA(production assistant). My job was very intense, I was responsible for a lot of peoples lives, first to arrive and last to leave and my PA's job was to take care of everything I needed. She excelled at it and loved it. She was at my beck and call every day we worked. Did I mention she was SMOKING HOT? One night she said to me after a 16 hour day 'wanna go get some drinks?' and I actually considered it. Thats nuts. I should have been running home to my WIFE to spend a few minutes with her. After a long delay I answered 'I can't do that I know where it leads.' two weeks later I walked out of my office shower and she is standing there. She looked at me... I looked at her. if you know what I am talking about, fine, if not...Shrug. After that I cut off all non essential conversation with her. Imagine not speaking to your secretary. I knew what happened. I studied biological psychology, physiological psychology, neurology, evolutionary biology, still it was damn hard to fight the attraction. I even started backward rationalizing. frigging triune brain theory is happening to ME!! But I did fight it. Job finished, took my wife to Bahamas and then Alaska.wife graduated.
Moved out of state my best friend and best man at my wedding was living with some other friends and we moved in together. Wife came a couple months later, after she got an awesome job. I continued with my contracting while looking for work in my desired career. I became very depressed, unable to find it after several months.( read lost my confidance-self esteem. Even though I know confidance is the BEST aphrodisiac for women.) It wasnt about money, I made in 15 days that year what she makes in half a year. It was about me failing. I felt like I was failing us. She starts to believe it. She tried everything. helping me look for work. helping me with my resume. All I wanted to hear from her was 'don't worry we will get thru this.'
So my best friend starts going after my wife. did I mention his nickname to his friends there is marriage wrecker? thats no joke and no typo. apparently he got burned by a married girl real bad. he didnt know she was married untill she dumped him. He got the nick name after my wedding.
so now He has this thing for married women. he runs mad game on them. He wonders if they will throw away their lives because of their "feelings" for him. to quote him "I am doing them(the husbands) a favor by exposing that she is a back-stabbing whore."
I ran across a thread here where someone else mentioned something about this dynamic. It must be a very painful place to come from thinking ill of people and having it reinforced by your own actions.
What would you men reading this do if you knew this about him and saw it happening?
Yeah. well I did nothing. nothing. I thought we were better then that. stronger then that. everyone who knew us thought we had this 'perfect relationship'. I was arrogant. No I did worse then nothing. I included him in everything extracurricular we did, she even complained about it, and there were a lot of intense experiences included in that. New things, exciting things, experiences that create vivid indelible memories. For whatever reason he got credited with them all.
So I had to go out of town for work, she tells me on the phone that she had told our house guest, best man from our wedding that she loved him 'but nothing could ever happen cause she was married to me.' Sound familiar. she couldnt have said it any better if she had read the script.
I came home and kicked him the F^CK OUT. She agreed to never see him or talk to him again. Then a miracle. I got our dream job. I called her on the way home from the interview and she said "oh"
For 6 weeks we barely spoke, I wasn't angry I was WATCHING. SCRUTINIZING. WAITING. we would wake up in the middle of the night and just look at each other. every night. I could see it in her head going round and round and round "why did this happen? how did this happen?" her confusion and sadness and desperation was painful to watch. She contacted him two days after our first counseling session. I threw out our wedding pictures, cancelled our counseling, and threw away the book given us by the counselor. DB by michelle. called her parents, they talked to her, and after the phone call, after 6 weeks of not having a reason why it happend, out of nowhere she says it was because she cant see a future with me. My acheivement of getting our dream job is 'too little, too late.' I just blinked and thought oh boy. here it comes. and it did. the backwards rationalizing. the rewriting history. the accusations of why I was a bad husband for the past 7 years. she went over to see him. I packed all my stuff. when she came home, I said I am going back to SO CAL. if you want to come I will wait two weeks so you can give work notice. if not I am leaving tomorrow. I was still under probation and didnt give a flying F about my job. It had been for us. If there was no us then back to my mad money live dangerous jobs.
I actually lost my mind one day. We wouldn't make it if we stayed there, cause I could see she couldnt stay away, and we wouldnt make it if we went back cause I would be back to not having a family the way we planned and wanted. my mind cracked wide open. I wandered around in the rain talking to myself and gesticulating wildly like some maniac transient. Lost my shoes in the mud somewhere. mr rock solid never loses his cool went WACKO. what an experience.
We came back two weeks later and she went to live with her parents, she filed for divorce, while having her long distance affair with him. I went dark. did nothing but work. except date a couple girls. both ended after I turned down(rejected) their initiatives to take it to physical level. All of our hard work, plans and careers for 8 years were gone. I had to agree our future was gone. gone the day I quit our dream job and moved back here.
found marriage builders, saw things I had done wrong. She contacted me and I had always known that they would never work long term. Part of his strategy in going after her was copying my idiosyncracies that she liked. I knew he was dating other women, (mutual friends kept me in the loop but wouldn't talk to her. they thought I was better off without the 'cheating whore' and stuck by their bros before hoes mentality.) and when our divorce was finalized he would get bored. (did I mention I thought she was the most amazing woman I ever met. SMART as hell. quick wit. didnt take my sh!t. Great sense of humor. Adventurous, very very very important to me. not the hottest, but hot enough. and she got hotter every year I loved her more. she looked to me for everything. even worshipped me a little to much. It was flattering, but scary. she never asked why I did anything just went along with it. the only thing that shocked my friends and family more then me getting married was her having an affair and us getting a divorce.) Sucked it up and used every technique I know and played 'the game'. I told her if she slept with him to tell me cause I would never want to touch her again. We dont have kids to help me rationalize. after 3 months of talking She came over wanted to get back together.... but.... they had gotten physical. oral. it was desperately important to her that she be completely honest. phrases and terms she used I think she was reading marriage builders too.
I said ok.
and then we had a terrible, terrible 4 months back togther. other then our trip to Honduras to 'reconnect'. competing with best man from our wedding took a huge emotioanl toll on me. if she brought up the past I brought up the past. if she pointed a finger I brought out the hammer and nailed her to the floor. We had sex maybe 1x a week, (hmm I wonder why) and only when she initiated. I got rejected every time I did. and when we did she would cry afterwards. This is compared to pre affair 5 to 8x a week even when I was in the movie biz and I was never home except to sleep. We did it anytime, anywhere, all the time everywhere for 8 years. This new dynamic was slightly disconcerting to me. There was no emotional component to it. we may as well have just blown our noses on each other.
For whatever reason the two weeks prior to her B-day everything started clicking. we were getting along, we were both really trying to take care of the other. no fighting. actually it was because I wouldnt allow it anymore. I would just look at her say STOP, and we woudl change the subject. that was a first except for the vacation. I could feel it. we were connecting. she was BACK. Her b day we had a quick spat and reconcilitation. Went out. Had a GREAT time. Came home started talking about our future. Went to bed I initiated, got rejected. stewed for about 30 minutes. said 'well since we have a relationship where if the other doenst take care of our needs- we go elsewhere- I am going to the strip club'. got up got dressed left.
Can you say entitlement and resentment?
fought on the phone. came home.... no I didnt go..... and proceeded to rip her a new one very quietly. I dont yell. I have never verbally attacked anyone like that ever. For 4 hours. anybody ever read James chapter 3? oops.
Next day she got up packed all her things and left. Filed for divorce agian. I apologized. profusely. no begging, no pleading, just apologized.
I found this site. slapped self repeatedly. she contacted me two months ago. found out she has been back in contact with OM. talked to her and it was like we were right back at square one. she was wanting me to initiate again but I was angry. he is a hooker using coke head. she went back to him? after I told her that. after we had got back together? fine. so I started dating. A LOT. A LOT. only way I know how to flush out those withdrawal chemicals is with new relationship chemicals.
5 weeks ago bought motorcycle, got in wreck, broke scapula, started reading here again. she contacted again, was calling every day emailing often she wanted to get back together. but there was no taking of responsibility. crying constantly. she has been in a terrible depression ever since this started. I tried to get her on meds several times thru this whole thing. we were talking again. I found out from mutual friends OM had come out here. told her I heard and assumed the worst, wasnt going to be tricked and seduced again. she said yes you are right. it was the worst experience of her life, she completely regrets it, it sucked, she cried and cried afterwards,yada yada. I can ask her anything I want, she will be completely honest with me. Starts blaming me again, pointing finger, boring BTDT. Complete victim mentality, no accepting responsibility. I said Sorry. good luck. two weeks ago. I know she wants me to fix things, initiate, show her she can trust me that I won't verbally abuse her again that we have a future. Not a chance.
I have mentioned I was a bartender. A good portion of that was when we first got together. I have had temptation thrown at me, on me, over and over and over again. I never cheated on her. I tested myself. No one deserves that kind of betrayal. If your mate sucks that bad then leave them.
I am not holding a grudge, or taking a moral high ground. I am no saint. She filed for divorce and was free to do whatever she wanted after that. I dont blame her. its her life to do what she wants with. She has her own road to travel now to emotional maturity. I truly feel sorry for her. I have forgiven her and love her still. I don't want to have children with someone who thinks an affair is a solution to a relationship. The conflict avoidance. She said in our last conversation that she respects me for my moral aptitude, and integrity. It meant so much to me. I wish she had the same.
ladies and germs I eagerly await your comments. I really respect the ones I see here on the forum because they have such a hard situation...to discuss, to resolve, and yet they and there spouse are still in there trying. Some of you have been thru life experiences I can't even imagine and the way I see you ladies supporting and encouraging each other is ...wow. True friends tell you the truth and point out the right path to take even if its narrow and hard. those friends are rare.
Be harsh. Be honest. Be cold as ice.
There is nothing an anonymous person who I have never met can say that will castigate me worse then I have already done to myself for the sweet perfection that I lost (because I am the man and ultimately responsible for the tremendous loss that this relationship means in my life and beliefs.) I always take responsibility.
there are typos and punctuation errors deal with em I didnt want to do this.
