And by the way, I was very excited by the phrase "flash the gecko" until remembered something about a tatoo!
Although it does sound like it could be an Aussie expression. Am picturing Steve Irwin (cos you all know him) saying ...." Maaate, so I flashed her the gecko"
Kismet/BigAl - you two really made me laugh!!!! No more XXX version this time. I've toned it down to maybe a R rating.
Journalling... Last night: While putting the boys in bed, I heard that my home phone ringing. But because I was upstairs, didn't run down to answer the phone. When I came back to my room, saw that I had a missed call on my mobile, and a minute later, I got a text. It was from H "Tried calling but no answer. Will try again later...". Indeed, he did call me. H: Have just set up the music system downstairs. Am having dinner - KFC, drinking Corona and listening to music. Me: So, enjoying yourself? The single life? H: Don't you hear me calling you? Me: Mmmmm H: WHy are you sounding cold? Me: No. Nothing much happening over here. Anyway, how's your job? H proceeded to tell me about his job, and his day at work yesterday blah blah. Chit-chat and then he seemed eager to go. So, didn't keep him on the line, and said bye.
Next morning, i.e Today (Wednesday; got a call from H at about 8.55 am. H: Are you in the office? Me: No. H: How come so late and you are not in the office? Me: Had breakfast with the boys and went to the bookshop. Why? Is there something that you needed me to do at the office? H: Do you want to bring the boys over this weekend? Can book through KLM. I was thinking I would be sooo busy next week when I come back. Plus I haven't seen the boys for awhile. Me: I thought you said that booking must be more than one week. H: No. I think can be done. I checked. It costs $ if you fly Friday and return Sunday; but $$ if Saturday and back Monday. No point if flying on Saturday and back Sunday, right? Me: I have to work Monday. And yes, no point flying Saturday and back Sunday. Do you mean me only or with the boys? H: Bring the boys over, of course with the boys. Friday flight is at 4 pm though. THat would mean S8 will have to miss school. Me: Yeah. H: So, what you think? Me; Err...mmm...I will check and get back to you.
I must have sounded kinda weird and funny and hesitant because when I got into the office, H texted me "If you don't wanna feel funny....u can take this trip as bringing the boys over to see the father. up to u." I didn't reply to this text. I thought of the various pros and cons, and decided that this is a trip that I had to make. So, I got online and booked the tickets for myself and my two boys. Then I got a call from H and he said "If you find that it's too rush, then perhaps wait till I come back from my trip to the States.." Then I interjected and said that I booked the tickets online already, and would email the details to him, to which he replied "I know the details. I am on my way to B for my golf game".
Not long later, I got a text from H "I've golf on Sat morning. You can take the boys to the mall. Leave the driver with you".
I forwarded our flight details via email to H. And got an almost instant reply. H: In car now going to B.... Me: Wow.... so terror?? First time I receive email from phone!!! Sorry, am very backward in the technology sense. Anyway, enjoy your golf game. p/s I am not gonna bring any money with me. H: Don't need a notebook anymore. I'll be playing golf on sat morning. Driver will take you to the mall. There's also a kids sports just outside the mall. The boys can also swim in the morning before you go shopping. Me: We know how to entertain ourselves. Not first time in Country X. Just roll out the Dosh can already. H: So...you flying over for a f**k...or bringing the boys to see the father?? Did you f**k urself last night?? Me: Errr...I didn’t f**k myself...I entertained myself!!!! H: stop doing that till you come over. will give you a nice deep f**k. Me: See if I can withhold not entertaining myself or not. If I can till then.... Then it better be GREAT!!!! I want to reach the heavens. H: Thought we r suppose to be on trial separation?? Some more wanna reach heaven!! H**NY Me: In that case, we better not have any hanky-panky. Don't worry, I will be able to abstain from you. I won't force myself on you! H: Sure or not?? What if i'm too h**ny??? Then can rite?? Me: Sure I can abstain. IF you are h**ny...that's your problem. H: Will jump on you then....
SO... what do you make of this? The positives are: 1) No Anger 2) He did think about the boys and I, and did make the effort to check the cost of the 3 tickets online. 3) Did ask us over for a visit, and will pay for the tickets. 4) Sounds much more like his old self.
Negatives.. 1) He takes this as a "trial separation" for us, whereas all the time, I thought he has just gone off for work. 2) He may have got OW a ticket to visit him before (Okay.. this is a BIG ASSumption...so I shall not ponder about it further...but just want to get it out somewhere)
Kismet - Yes, I will remember to pack the rubber band! I will validate! validate! validate! And TRY to avoid bringing OW up in our convo. I will ACT AS-IF there is no such person, and that we are okay, and see what happens. I will keep you updated.
Journalling... Nothing much happened since my last posting. I called H around dinner time to let the boys talk to H. They talked to him and then S5 said "Dad wants to talk to you" and handed the phone to me. H asked "you didn't tell the boys?" blah blah blah.. Didn't really talked long. When I got home, I did texted H to ask him something. No answer. But he did reply my text this morning. Later, sent me another text to inquire about the banking account details as he was gonna transfer the monthly $$ to me. So, let's see...Will update more after my trip to Country X.
Mmmm Yoyo that is right up your alley a dirty weekend with H.. I know the boys will be there but they will be asleep at night.....
Your H has really changed alot, just go with it and accept that he contacts you and you are both talking alot better. I really feel you are both building your R without even realising it. Go back a few months and you will certainly see the difference.
Be happy with this and accept that it is good not ideal but good and go with the flow. Be happy act as if and he will want you more and more......KDU
It does sound like he's reaching out a bit. Try not to go into this with old baggage. Speak civily (sp) to him. Don't go into this with preconcieved ideas. See what happens and be open to them. BEST to you.
KDU, KDK, Bonkers - Thank you for dropping by. There were some ups and downs, which I will elaborate below.
Journalling.. Friday. Arrived at the airport. Driver picked us up and proceeded to H's office to pick him up for dinner. In the car, saw that he had some brochures from the International School. We had a fairly "normal" dinner. Didn't touch on our R at all. Went back home to H's new pad. Looks nice with a small pool in the backyard. Err.. I did bring up OW abit (Yup..bad bad me but worse is to come on Saturday). I saw that some decor and things in house NOT H at all, and figured OW had something to do with certain things...Asked H about it, and he said NO, she has not been there at all. Answered while grinning, and said that the bed was FRESH and ready for US to use it. And when I queried about US, he said "The fact that I asked you over, meant something isn't it?" Some other convo went on, can't remember what. I was gonna let the boys take turns to sleep with H, but he prompt the boys to sleep on their own, with the intention of you know what with me. We did have a good session After that, we sat in the lounge, had some wine and chatted abit. It was nice.
Saturday...major revelation and argument!!! H was off VERY early for his golf game and was out till late afternoon. Nevermind that...but I SNOOPED. Yup, bad bad me. Found there were lots of stuff that are female stuff like toiletries. And snooped some-more, found that H actually SHIPPED stuff from OW's house over to Country X because the pick-up address was OW's AND on the packing list was one item listed as "OW's stuff and shoes". I can tell you, I felt sooooooo sad and upset. And WORST. Someone called to the house (to ask about some maintenance stuff for the house) and said "Hello! Is that OW?". My heart nearly stopped!!! I answered "No, this is not OW. This is Mrs.Y. OW is not Mrs. Y. I do not know if OW is moving here, so I do not know how to answer your question about the maintenance items. Perhaps you could call Mr. Y directly and ask him about that." That lady felt soooo bad, and she immediately wanted to come over to meet me, and introduce herself to me. I told her that I'm not sure if I would be the one moving here then...and she can come over if she wants.. She came over, and we had an hour long chat. She told me that OW came over to view the house first, and then later H came with her to view it again. She said she thought that OW was the wife or sister...and she never realised that that's not the case. She was really sorry and "advised" that I should be patient and "wait" for him, because her parents were also divorced due to OWs (she was crying too on this) and to give my M a chance. She said "I give you my card, you can email to me....I mean, I am not trying to be a spy but if there is anything you need, I will try to help!". I don't know if this relevation was GOOD or BAD.....I did cry my eyes out on this day!!! I did send H a text message "SOmeone called the house and addressed me as OW. How nice! I feel so wonderful". H did send reply text messages but never mentioned anything about my text, just the regular "Where r u now? Will be back soon " that kind of thing. Of course I confronted him when he came back. He made comments like "That lady quite dumb" and I answered "Of course she would tell me, since I am the legal wife blah blah blah". I was sooo upset and emotional that I couldn't think straight. Was very confrontational and cold and refusing to ACT AS-IF. (On hindsight..that was stupid). H kept on saying that "can't we be like last night?" and I was like "No"... blabh blah blah. Then at dinner, he was still okay ..but stupid me confronted him again, and he blew UP, really blew up. And then he calmed down again. At night, I was gonna sleep in other room..but boys said they want to sleep together, so all four of us ended up in the same room. Boys on the spare mattresses on the floor, and H and I on the bed. Again, I prodded and ask all sorts of BAD BAD questions. And he was upset again (plus he was tired and sleepy) and said "I can see it now, I will end up with no one at all. Because, I will choose her, and you will not give me the divorce that I want, and then its not fair for her to wait forever as she is not young anymore. I will be soooo hateful of you, I wouldn't want to be with you anymore" , "At first, I was hopeful that our M has a chance, but after today, I am not sure", "I hate it when you keep on saying the ball is in my court. It is not. Because if you don't sign, I can't do anything. So, just stop saying that". blah blah blah...At one point, I said "I am screwed upside down by you and don't even know it" to which H replied "How do you know that she is not screwed upside down too?" So, we went to bed angry and marriage doomed!!!!!
Sunday, In the morning, H did put his arm on my belly and on my breast (so, not angry anymore??) and then we started again. (Boys have gone out of the room to watch their TV btw) We had a really good good session (looks like we are sorting out marital disputes with s@x??) And it was like yesterday never happened. H then got up to get to the office (yup...even on a Sunday) and said that he will come back to have lunch with us. We went out for lunch at a restaurant, and was really "normal". No mention of yesterday, everything was okay. Then we went home (H's home..our home...) and watched a bit of TV with the boys. I was teasing his fingers and all.. and H jokingly said "How come you never asked me who is better in bed?" Me: I don't wanna know. I don't wanna know. H: I told you what...you are very good. I will tell her to come and get some lessons from you. Me: Yeah...right! I dare you to go and tell her that. If you do, you are really crazy! We then was kidding around and ended upstairs in bed again! Then it was time to leave for the airport. H decided that he wasn't gonna go with us. Then as I was leaving, I said "Aren't you gonna give me a kiss" and he said "Yes, you come over". I said "No, you come" and he did but only kissed my cheeks, and I said "No lips?" H just laughed and said "No. Text me when u r at the airport"....In the car, had a chat with the driver. Found out that OW brought her parents along to see the house about around Sept 16 - 18. That was the time my SIL got her marriage registered. I can't believe it. Low lifes bring up low lifes. How can the parents condone the R when he is still married? I can't believe these ppl!! Really low lifes with NO Morals whatsoever. Am so disgusted by these ppl. ANyway, H and I had a few exchange of texts. I sent him a text that I said that "hopefully, things will be better in a few months and we can preserve our family unit". H texted back "Like I said...I hope so too. text me when you've arrived". Later, I did text him on arrival and added a "love you". I know it is against DBING LRT, but I think I need to tell him that. I feel that he needs to feel that things can be normal again, that I will still love him. He replied, but just said that he'll call me tmrw and he will see me in a few days (he'll be back here for work).
This morning (Monday): I texted H about possible dinner at my parent's on Wednesday night and proposed that I stay over with him in the hotel after that. H texted back "Dinner is ok. But I suggest you don't stay over. I'll be busy entertaining. And NO, she is not staying over either." I replied "Ha ha...I thought I could take the Wednesday slot and she the Thursday slot. Ha ha. Btw sent you an email about the boys' school". In my email, I asked H about his visit to the International School...was it fact finding or enrolment. H : Only fact finding. Have not apply yet. Like i said, let's wait till after the Muslim Holidays Me: Yes, I can wait till after Muslim Holidays, or even after CNY. So, I guessed whatever happens, this way or that, boys will remain in their old schools. I am not rushing you, just need to make plans for my boys. Me: I mean make plans for OUR boys. H: No rush applying....no place anyway. Can only tell if the class room has space after X'Mas. Like i said, it's a fact finding mission. The boys stay in PC until we decide to move them. Me: For your info. One stays in PCand th e other is still at D. I know...seems like ages and S5 is still at Kindergarten next year!!!
H just called me.. H: What's with the being so nice? Wifey and all Me: I always use that. H: No. Not lately (So, he noticed!?!) Me: Well...it's just a few months of niceness and let's see if it continues to be nice or turn nasty. H: You mean it can turn nasty? Me: You yourself said that it will definitely turn nasty if it's the other way. H: Will it? Me: Well.... probably...Lots of things that I cannot control. But I don't want to talk about it. H: Why? And what's with this overnight thing? Aren't we separated? Me: We are not really separated. H: We are not living together.. Me: Yes, physically,....but can you consider that as separation? We still talk everyday, and still have s@x H: Trial separation. Well, in that case maybe no more s@x then. Me: You can live without it? H: Find a replacement. Me: As you said, nothing can replace me. Anyway, don't wanna talk about it..... H: Okay, bye then.
I know that I am "Pursuing" but I think I am being too "dormant" for too long. I have signed my emails as "Wifey" which is what I've always done. But have lately stopped doing so because of our sitch. So, am restarting to use "wifey". I am changing to new tactics. Reason is is multifold..... OW cannot move to Country X as H's dependent. So, I do have the upperhand! He he he...I know it sounds a bit bad, but it is invigorating to know that. The law over here....H has no grounds for filing D. The criteria are: 1) Physical separation of 2 years - this is OUT because we still have s@x (as advised by my L friend. SO, I have been recording down the dates of our sessions) 2) Infidelity - also OUT because I'm not the guilty party 3) Abuse - defintely OUT
Even if H uses the 2-year separation, if I don't sign it, H still can't get a divorce. This is the one bit that he is ANGRY with me...He feels he is cornered to make a decision to CHOOSE the family. And he will despise me for it, and end up with neither her nor me. I know it may sound terrible of me to HANG ON...but H cannot remain angry with me for too long....So, in time, I know in confidence he will come round. Plus he still need to see the kids. No, Will not use the kids. So, he will still have to contact me to see the kids... I hate to say it, and perhaps some of you DBers will say it is wrong....but even if I don't get H , I don't want OW to have him either. So, my hook and by crook will try to be as nice as possible..... even if only for these few months.... and see if things go my way...If not...perhaps all out war? By the way, don't worry, still GAL and PMA! Have my weekend planned out with friends and parties already!!
By the way, I am geared with my "pursue" of H. I have told myself when he declines my offers of doing things together... I know I am side-lining from DBING, but I think I have entered a new phase of sorts....
Yoyo, what a weekend you had. I'm sure finding about OW looking at the place and having her parents there also was a major blow. I can't believe (well, yeah I can) that H had her do the "wife" part of seeing the house. What an a@@hole. What is the sitch between OW and H? Do you know if he is still seeing her?
I'm a little confused here...do you want to save your M or are you keeping H for yourself so OW will not have him? If it's the latter part I wouldn't think that would be very healthy for you. I can't see you being the bitter STBXW always seeking some sort of revenge with H. I know you still love your H but if he does not want to work on the M right now, maybe go back to the detaching. It appeared that H came around with positive steps when you were detaching.
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
I know the boys will be there but they will be asleep at night.....