blueman - Listen to the girls, I guessed. Don't call her. But it is MEGA difficult to do. I know. I am there. But I feel sometimes, when we show that we are STILL HERE and want them, they have their "reassurances", they scurry off to wherever their hole is again. And when we give them some sort of a "detached" View, they will run back to check that if we are still here. It's replayed over and over....until we LBS gets D@MN tired of the game. I have also been waking up in the middle of the night of late.

Kismet/KDU - I hear you! I didn't call. The rubber band did do the trick. But probably the need to check that he is alive did not come up, as H did call me during my lunch time yesterday (Thursday).

H asked if everything was alright, am I ok? Where was I? Blah blah blah. Was out with my bosses and coworker, so didn't really talk. Plus I couldn't hear very well. SO, he is indeed alive.

H texted again later at 10.00 pm.
H: Going to COuntry Y tomorrow. Company trip so can save a bit. WIll fly back from Country Y home on Saturday eveningon personal account. Nite. Nite. How are the boys.
I was tossing and deciding whether to reply to this text or not...and finally decided to just send a short reply, as it would be kinda rude not to. I mean if I am treating H like a "friend/neighbour", I would at least reply to it. So, I did.
Me: Boys r fine. Nite!
Within 5 minutes, I got a call from H.
H: Are you okay?
Me: Yeah.
H: Why are you so angry?
Me: Huh? No. I am not.
H: Then why is your text reply so short? Normally you would tell me some stuff about the boys. THis time, nothing.
Me: Nothing much...anyway, S5 did say that "I am gonna be sick tomorrow".
H: (LOL) Trying to skive from school?
Me: What else?? And his expression is more and more like mind these days. He said "I've got 1001 zips on my bag" and I do use 1001 very often.
H: He is speaking like an adult. How about S8?
Me: Got an exam tmrw..computer.
H: Going to Country Y tomorrow.. been sooo busy. Didn't even get to visit the International School.
Me: (Quiet)
H: Are you there? Are you doing something naughty?
Me: Of course not.
H: Okay, I'll call you tmrw or Saturday.
Me: Okay.

Last night..I woke up in the middle of the night, and starting sobbing like crazy. All the memories of the hurtful things he said all was so vivid. Things like "I told you already, I love her Okay?" , "When you hugged me, and I turned over and said I LOVE YOU, I thought it was her", "I love her, I respect her and I am committed to her". God! It was sooooo overwhelming! I cried and cried and cried. The worst thing was realising that there is a possibility that WE will never ever spend time as a REAL FAMILY again. That is the worst. We used to spend holidays together...4 of us. And that may not happen again. I was even thinking of if our separation becomes permanent, how would i tell my kids "Daddy decides that he can't live with mommy anymore. BUt he loves you boys, and will see you all whenever he can. It has nothing to do with you boys. It's just adults grow apart". *sigh*....

This morning... I am a little more composed, and am trying to pick out the positives:
1) H did call me.
2) H brought up the International School again, without me bring it up. He was busy. Didn't visit the school. But GOOD that it is still in his mind.

I will have to brace myself for another home visit by H with him staying in the HOTEL. *sigh* I dread trying to explain to ppl why H is staying in a hotel and not at home when he comes back. I just have to keep busy busy busy. Am hosting a dinner this Sunday, So guessed I shall busy myself with the plans. I think I can't face H. I will maybe try to rope my mom to send boys to him, and pick them up later. I can use the excuse of busy with my dinner plans.

I thought I was doing very well....until last night. WHy do they mess us up as soon as we are more composed and stable with our lives and emotions?

On a lighter note...got a MISSING dog flyer with reward given if found in my post box. Silly S8 looked at it and said "Why did the girl run away? How much is the reward?" I was like "Darling! That's a dog!". And S8 was like "Oh...the photo had no colour...so couldn't tell that it was a dog". I was like "Omigod Darling!! How can you not tell that's a dog?" I was LOL at this point and almost rolling on the floor. I dread to think what his girlfriend will look like in future!!!

One Day at a TIME!!!