Yoyo.. I am in the same dilemna... to call or not to call...
She suddenly went "dark" after admiting about OM and telling me that things are not working with OM and she is thinking about coming back. ( of course another reason is I overreacted to it - showed my eagerness, and gave her feeling that I was rushing things!)
Now I just want to call and validate that she was right about me rushing things, and i want to take it slow too, but she didn't respond to my SMS of "I am worried" after going dark for a day and then she didn't even answer calls from her family member (callerid comes private) - so I wonder if she will answer my call, if not if I Should leave a voice mail validating her.
Advice? I am worried.. wake up at 4.30 everyday with some crazy thoughts!
Why do we luv more when they are pulling away and we know that they are playing mind games?
blueman - Listen to the girls, I guessed. Don't call her. But it is MEGA difficult to do. I know. I am there. But I feel sometimes, when we show that we are STILL HERE and want them, they have their "reassurances", they scurry off to wherever their hole is again. And when we give them some sort of a "detached" View, they will run back to check that if we are still here. It's replayed over and over....until we LBS gets D@MN tired of the game. I have also been waking up in the middle of the night of late.
Kismet/KDU - I hear you! I didn't call. The rubber band did do the trick. But probably the need to check that he is alive did not come up, as H did call me during my lunch time yesterday (Thursday).
H asked if everything was alright, am I ok? Where was I? Blah blah blah. Was out with my bosses and coworker, so didn't really talk. Plus I couldn't hear very well. SO, he is indeed alive.
H texted again later at 10.00 pm. H: Going to COuntry Y tomorrow. Company trip so can save a bit. WIll fly back from Country Y home on Saturday eveningon personal account. Nite. Nite. How are the boys. I was tossing and deciding whether to reply to this text or not...and finally decided to just send a short reply, as it would be kinda rude not to. I mean if I am treating H like a "friend/neighbour", I would at least reply to it. So, I did. Me: Boys r fine. Nite! Within 5 minutes, I got a call from H. H: Are you okay? Me: Yeah. H: Why are you so angry? Me: Huh? No. I am not. H: Then why is your text reply so short? Normally you would tell me some stuff about the boys. THis time, nothing. Me: Nothing much...anyway, S5 did say that "I am gonna be sick tomorrow". H: (LOL) Trying to skive from school? Me: What else?? And his expression is more and more like mind these days. He said "I've got 1001 zips on my bag" and I do use 1001 very often. H: He is speaking like an adult. How about S8? Me: Got an exam tmrw..computer. H: Going to Country Y tomorrow.. been sooo busy. Didn't even get to visit the International School. Me: (Quiet) H: Are you there? Are you doing something naughty? Me: Of course not. H: Okay, I'll call you tmrw or Saturday. Me: Okay.
Last night..I woke up in the middle of the night, and starting sobbing like crazy. All the memories of the hurtful things he said all was so vivid. Things like "I told you already, I love her Okay?" , "When you hugged me, and I turned over and said I LOVE YOU, I thought it was her", "I love her, I respect her and I am committed to her". God! It was sooooo overwhelming! I cried and cried and cried. The worst thing was realising that there is a possibility that WE will never ever spend time as a REAL FAMILY again. That is the worst. We used to spend holidays together...4 of us. And that may not happen again. I was even thinking of if our separation becomes permanent, how would i tell my kids "Daddy decides that he can't live with mommy anymore. BUt he loves you boys, and will see you all whenever he can. It has nothing to do with you boys. It's just adults grow apart". *sigh*....
This morning... I am a little more composed, and am trying to pick out the positives: 1) H did call me. 2) H brought up the International School again, without me bring it up. He was busy. Didn't visit the school. But GOOD that it is still in his mind.
I will have to brace myself for another home visit by H with him staying in the HOTEL. *sigh* I dread trying to explain to ppl why H is staying in a hotel and not at home when he comes back. I just have to keep busy busy busy. Am hosting a dinner this Sunday, So guessed I shall busy myself with the plans. I think I can't face H. I will maybe try to rope my mom to send boys to him, and pick them up later. I can use the excuse of busy with my dinner plans.
I thought I was doing very well....until last night. WHy do they mess us up as soon as we are more composed and stable with our lives and emotions?
On a lighter note...got a MISSING dog flyer with reward given if found in my post box. Silly S8 looked at it and said "Why did the girl run away? How much is the reward?" I was like "Darling! That's a dog!". And S8 was like "Oh...the photo had no colour...so couldn't tell that it was a dog". I was like "Omigod Darling!! How can you not tell that's a dog?" I was LOL at this point and almost rolling on the floor. I dread to think what his girlfriend will look like in future!!!
Actually, by the end of this month, I would know how much H really wants to work on the Marriage. The registration for the International School is by 1st November for the January Semester. If H does not do anything by month's end, then..... I guessed we won't be together as a family for awhile......
Kismet...Thank you. Am feeling slightly better, but not a whole lot....
I know I shouldn't, but I made the first contact. My mom called me up and said that a relative is also working in Country X and wants to have H's number, and she wasnt' sure if H will be happy about it. So, I texted H and asked if it was okay to give his contact number to the relative. H texted back and said that it was okay, and inquired where relative is working. I texted back and said that I didn't know. Later, H called me during my lunch time, and said that he and I would have to go to the bank together on Sunday morning to bank in some money. I said OK. No mention of where he will be staying etc. But did end with "sms me, if you need me to call." H called m about an hour later, and asked if his replacement credit card is here...and when I said no, started cursing the bank. So, basically, these two phone calls were more of "tasks to be done" type of calls, as we still joint financial accounts.
Oh well...we'll see what happens. You either hear me bit@h about things or rave about things on Monday...or maybe sooner than that...
Hi YoYo, I've been trying to keep up with you but not having much time to post. I read your post on my thread, and thought I'd respond here. you mentioned:
Quote: I have to remind myself constantly to be patient and not PUSH too hard. I have some ppl who tells me that although I don't want to sound too PUSHY, I should give subtle signals to H that I do want him back. On one hand, I am trying to NOT pursue and practice the LRT, but on the other hand, want to practise AS-IF. Those are two extremes... I am trying to find a middle ground.
I think the middle ground is very important. i think the advice to let H know you are still interested is right on target. It's so hard to convey that without being clingy and pursuing. That said, somewhere in my stuff, I have a post from Michelle that i printed out. It addresses the issue of pursuit...and I found it very helpful. In a nutshell, what it says that the important thing is to "Do Something Different"....that if your spouse has seen you in the past as the clinging, dependent, etc., then NO pursuit is the guideling...a 180 in effect. She specifically says "if however, distance has been in problem in your r, if your spouse has perceived you to be cold, uncaring, and felt uncared for, then some limited pursuit maybe just what the doctor ordered". I cant say how many hows I spent considering this.
In my sitch, my H truely believed that I didnt want him...i was the model of the distant, controlled, doing-my-thing on my own woman. Many people who know me here on the board wouldnt see it that way, because I had to be pushed to step away from H some after the bomb (yeah, I kinda stuck like glue then) but the fact is that over the history of our M, I shut him out of my life more and more, and we grew apart. so, in my case, I had to do some limited pursueing. I even asked H once about that, and he said that he was convinced I didnt care, that I had to go to extremes if I wanted him, and that he would have just "walked" if I hadnt, he was ready to.
so, I believe the important thing as you search for the middle ground is to consider, would your H view you as "dependent" or "distant", and devise your strategy accordingly, with the goal of doing it differently.
sorry to ramble, hope maybe there's a tidbit that might be helpful.
Yoyo, you are doing fine. I hope the weekend works out. Do whatever you need to do to get through it. If you feel like you can't face H, then don't. I think sometimes we are so busy focusing on their needs, we forget about ourselves. But this is the time when we need to be extra loving to ourselves.
Plus it will be a good 180 if your Mum picks them up. Hope your dinner party goes well.
Have a fantastic weekend. Make sure you get some chilled out just Yoyo time in there
(((yoyo)))) I know you will find the balance eventually but at least H is still pursuing you and he picks up when you don't say much that something could be wrong. I would look at the positives you are still getting and continue along the path you are doing fine even if it doesn't feel like it.....KDU
Journalling.. Saturday: H texted because he had got a missed call and thought it was me. Responded his text and told him NO, wasn't me. H called around noon. Asking the same question. And asked what I was doing. Told him that I was watching telly but will be going out soon. Later that night, H texted "Spoke to my mom earlier today. Will call Aunt Lily tmrw. Will come back tmrw. Might need you to pick me up from the station". I didn't respond to this text.
Next morning (Sunday); H called about 9 am and said that he's in the train and asked if I could pick him up at the station. I said OK and went to pick him up. He called and said to pick him up from the adjoining hotel (I have to say that sparked my curiosity...did he come back last night and stayed the night in the hotel with OW, and lied that he is only back today??) because when I picked him up, he was empty handed and in bermudas. Certainly didn't look like he had been on the plane. He said that he had left his stuff at the Left Luggage over in Country Y, and he had to fly back to Country Y at 2 pm (mind you, I picked him up about 9.30 am). I did wonder if what he said was indeed true. *sigh* He spent time with the boys in the boys room, and then kept coming into the kitchen to check on me, and gave me quite a long lingering kiss. It was nice but confused me even more...with that. We did end up having or@ls@x as it was the time of the month. And later, the boys were kidding around with him in our room. And H made comments. - to S8 "You may end up in an international school next year" - to S8 "you must tell me if there's anybody sleeping next to your mommy" - "Don't worry. Things will be okay" - " You must be asking what is wrong, right? One minute, I want you, One minute, I don't" I don't know I am really sooo confused my H. When I took him back to the station, I did tell him that I am tired of listening to words..he's talk the talk, and he must walk the walk. To which, he started laughing. He said that I said it wrong. It's not walk the walk. It should be walk the talk. Blah blah blah. He just found it sooo amusing about the whole episode and then: H: Can't you leave things as it is? I told you it would be okay Me: I have to. It's not within my control Then H again asked me to drop him at the hotel...I have to say that I had to blurt out.. Me: Are you sure you came back this morning? Or did you come back last night? H: This is on my own account. I don't have so much money. Besides, you think if I stay in the hotel, I won't have the boys over for swimming? Me: I don't know? Perhaps you don't want to. You have someone else. DIrty sheets and all. H: You said so yourself, these things don't bother me. To which, I started to tear, Me: I don't want to talk anymore. H: (Caress my arm), take it easy. It'll be okay. And we were at the front of the hotel and dropped H off. H: I will call you when I arrive.
I got home, wanting to do some DIY, and found that my toolbox was missing. My helper told me that H had took it. Again, I thought, he must have taken it to help OW with stuff as she just moved to her new home. At first, had a long text to H but decided to keep it short. Me: Where is my toolbox? I hope it's not where I think it is. Me: I need to talk to you. I will call you once my guests leave. H: The tool stuff are on its way to Country X. Shipped it over together with my stuff. Call me when you can. Waiting for bag. Later, H called me but my guests were still around. So, I called him later, and he kept on insisting that the toolbox is with him. I told him that I felt sooo stupid paying his bills with my money, and him taking stuff from the house, and giving money to OW. To which he replied that he didn't give any moeny to OW. He didn't really want to talk as he was halfway watching his football. He didn't sound angry though.
I know that I shouldn't...am backsliding with mention of OW. BUt I really FELT sooooo stupid of doing all these things.
Anyway, sent him a long email about the things that he promised to give ($$ for the boys) and the stuff tha the owes me. Again, he replied with such a crappy reply. And we IMed abit and again, he said "If things go ape [censored], we can have a legal binding agreement". I am sooo fed-up, I know I am getting impatient...but I just don't want to be stupid to pay his bills and be in the red while he is off-galavanting with OW with the money, and I just hate that he waltz into the house and take stuff out. I am sooo confused with things in my sitch.
I think I have to NOT see him to be more composed. Thank god that the next time I see him would be another 3 weeks. Give me some time to get composed. I think the next encounter, I will have to keep it minimal to just be about the boys.
Yoyo sorry you are feeling $hitty but it is b/c it is easier when you dont know what is going on to cope when they are not around but when they are around it is hard to stay focused as all your feelings for them surface. Try and keep strong.(((()))))Kim
But probably the need to check that he is alive did not come up, as H did call me during my lunch time yesterday (Thursday).
I was even thinking of if our separation becomes permanent, how would i tell my kids "Daddy decides that he can't live with mommy anymore. BUt he loves you boys, and will see you all whenever he can. It has nothing to do with you boys. It's just adults grow apart". *sigh*.... 
as it was the time of the month. And later, the boys were kidding around with him in our room. And H made comments.