KDU - Yes, it was good to vent over here on the BB. I tell you...I had such great urges to pick up the phone to call H. But I held on...managed to NOT contacting him the whole of yesterday. It was hard, but I managed. Haven't heard from H for the whole day. And so far nothing this morning. On one hand, am trying to adhere to my NO CONTACT stance, but on the other, I want to check to see if he is alright. But then, again....he might feel that I am intruding??

Journalling...
Had a good talk with my mentor this morning. Told him about the many IFs questions that has been posed by H on Monday. He advised that the next time he asks questions with the IFs, I should reciprocate back with IFs questions, and that would allow me to understand a little bit more of what he is thinking and feeling. He said that I shouldn't be too caught up with the IFs. From his perspective, he said that seems like my H is thinking to the next level, i.e "what furniture can she bring over, this cabinet, that cabinet" vs "is she moving over". He said that my H is "unsure about me still loving him despite of what's happened. And that he may feel that the ball is in my court to accept him back" and that is why he asked if I still loved him, and also with a text that says that he loves me. My mentor said that H may be unsure of how to "win" me back, and felt the last text may be his way of trying to....

I don't know..but it is nice to hear this bright perspective from someone else other than my own thoughts. It would be nice to have H calling me to give me updates on things...but the bummer is that he has not. I also will not call and ask him about "the boys' school" cause if he has done it, he will sure to tell me about it. But if he has not, me asking the question will sound like I am pursuing and pressuring.

I used the rubber band on the wrist AID to stop me from calling H yesterday. Each time I feel the urge, I actually pulled the rubber band and it did give a hard whack. And I have to say it WORKS!!! Just slipped another one on. But I think I would call him tmrw AM if he doesn't call....just to check that everything is OK. I know I know...but it would give my mind a rest to know that he is okay. He may not continue to be my H but still my boys' father...just want to make sure he is fine.... and Yes, I still love him dearly...inspite of everything. But I have to admit that I really had an episode of "I DON'T WANT HIM BACK" last night just before bed time. All the memories of what he said about OW and me...was just too much. GOsh... ANyway, I do want him back. I do want to move to Country X (though it's not paradise...) to be a real family again...

Okay...composing myself...like I said in my previous posts...the real positive marker would be if he really goes and visits the School to inquire about admissions for the boys.

NO CALLING! NO CALLING! NO CALLING!!

One Day at a TIME!!!!