KDK

I'm in the agreement with the others
I know that what I've been doing is BAD in the DBING sense. But I guessed I want to flush out all the stuff (negatives, whatever...) out in the open and let H see that life is NOT going to be perfect, even if decides to come back. I WILL still be remembering about the A. I don't want him to have FALSE impression that all will be hunky-dory should he decide to recommit. I think I really need him to see that because frankly, I am a little afraid of the outcome that I've been yearning-for for ages. I am not defending my BAD DBING ACTIONS, but let me lay out the cards.
A) If H decides to leave us. How will my life change? Basically, NO Changae .... I will still live in my nice house, have my two kids, have my wonderful friends, my loving family, my good job with fairly good pay and company car, my monthly allowance for the boys upkeep, still in my home country. Boys still go the neighbourhood school, boys see their dad once a fortnight (well, that's what's happening..and frankly..because for the last one year that he hasn't really been a father, they haven't really asked for him)

B) If H wants to recommit and wants us to be with him. WHat will change?
For one, I will have to crack my head and decide what I want to do with the house...rent it out and let the tenants trash it or sell it and have no home when I come home. I will have to give up my job, my friends, my family to move to Country X. Boys will have to leave their friends, their beloved grandparents, and get uprooted to go to an international school (to which they will probably not be able to go back to the neighbourhood school again - due to language differences). And all this giving-up for a H that does not want to acknowledge that there will be hard work. Or a H that may still be missing OW, and just using our presence to TRY to forget OW and move on. WHAT if he can't? I would have given UP soooo much, and be d@mn miserable in a foreign country!!
So, since he's already gone, might as well let him feel and see reality of how I really am. No point of me pretending to be NICe when I feel UN-nice. he he he h..

why pick a fight with H about OW Yes...yes... I know I should lay off the OW business,. But he he he ..it is sooooo tempting.

H is making empty promises
You know how frustrating this is???? It's like someone tells a child "I am going to give you a BIG lollypop" and he see the lollypop being waved in front of his face. He extends his hand out, and then that person retracts it and put the lollypop away. What do you think the child would feel??? Well, this is how I feel. I could still be nice and sweet if occurs once or twice...my god, in my case..it's uncountable (if there is such a word..)

however, with your sarcastic remarks the OW may start to look better to H than you.
oh..I think that OW makes sarcastic remarks too... Anyway, as per my earlier typings... will make him evaluate more. If after all my sarcastic remarks, and he still runs back, then, I guess his sincerity is more credible. If I am sugar and spice, and he runs back..his sincerity may not be the real deal???

Journalling...
Anyway, we have been very very cordial since my "rubbish" texts on Monday. I think I posted that he called me and was kinda flirty. WHen he arrived at his destination, he did call me to tell me that he had arrived. I was already asleep but did have a few minutes of casual chat.

The next day (Tuesday), he did IM me and called me again later. Nothing much...the usual "how are you?" and told me to be careful (as I was driving alone back - after a dinner function with coworkers) and mentioned that he's off white-water rafting tmrw (Wed).

Wed (today)... called me early am. And then in the afternoon...asked about S5's concert on Sunday and said that he would try to get back blah blah blah. Called me again at my mom's in the evening. Spoke to the boys and then to me.
H: Am trying to get back this weekend for the concert.
Me: Why? It's kinda expensive, isn't it? Plus your flight time doesn't seem right.
H: Trying to get a different airline.
Me: What about your passport? Got it already?
H: No, not yet..hoping to get it either tmrw or Friday.
Me: Ok. I still say NO need.. I will send you video clips.
H: I want to come back. Cause the next few weekends will be busy and won't be able to come back. Anyway, can't I miss you and the boys?
Me: yeah..Right (yes.. I know very sarcastic, but the urge to mention OW was very very great but manage to bite my tongue)
H: I will be back. See you on Sunday.
Me: Whatever..
H: Can you please not say whatever?
Me: Then say what?
H: Say SEE YOU.
Me: Okay, see you. Bye (my eyes obviously rolled to high heaven)
H: Bye

So,...fellow DBers....I bit my tongue as hard as I could.

Gotta go...