I read your post and was wondering about something. Please forgive me if I'm WAAAY off base here, but you seem to choose to feed the confrontational side of your R. Your posts are often full of the times H will say something unrelated or even nice to you, and you'll turn it around to OW. You tell him not to contact you, then when he doesn't, you send me a nasty text referencing OW. You often say that you 'couldn't help it', but we all know that we have control over our actions.
So why are you choosing this? You and your H seem to have a very passionate sex life, often especially passionate after an outburst. Do you maybe enjoy the conflict? Of course you don't enjoy the affair (obviously), but do you get a charge out of fighting with him? Your tone after these interactions is often giddy and triumphant. Are you on a roller coaster because you enjoy the ride? More exciting than the merry-go-round?
It's just an idea, and I coud be very wrong. I'm not trying to minimize how much you're suffering and how painful his affair is. I can see that clearly in your posts, and my heart goes out to you. But maybe are you adopting the more "exciting" communication style?
