Yes, my W did make a decision to become involved with another person. But at the time, her mother had just died, she was depressed, and was turning more and more to alcohol. The other person took advantage of this, whether he knew it or not. Therefore, he is slime.
Do I abdicate responsibility from my W? Of course not. She should have come to me and hit me upside the head with a brick to get my attention if she needed to, but she chose not to. And I am not saying I am without fault, I certainly did my share to screw things up as well, but overall, we did have a very good marriage. It is only now through W's re-definition that she is trying to convince herself otherwise.
By the way, I call the other person every name in the book when I am by myself, but I do also pray for him and his children.
NYS, isn't it amazing how our Ws can fall in love with these "Psychopaths"?
As always, thanks for your responses and keep them coming.
NYS, isn't it amazing how our Ws can fall in love with these "Psychopaths"?
Or maybe they're mere "sociopaths"...
So, if the OM, in my case, puts his emotional needs above that of my WAW's wish to work on the marriage, he identifies himself as an emotional needy person. The OP could also be a "rescuer" type romantically saving the WAS from her dire straits, or whatever, in other words my point is, bottom line, there's some sort of emotional screw up in the OP. The WAS is needy too, right, most often needing that boost of "feel good" that comes from the OP? (I should write that it's OK to have normal needs, it's the outworking of meeting those needs that's in question here) Now, when you reason that emotionally needy people often attract and are attracted to other emotional needy people, this sort of infatuation between a WAS and OP starts to make sense. Not good sense, but sense nonetheless.
i.e. Frank Pittman, "An affair with someone grossly inappropriate--...someone with problems even bigger than your own-is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again."
The OP with my W is a loser. He was divcorced himself 2 years ago, 2nd time, and is still going to court battling his ex. It is amazing the psychology behind this.
PS, NYS, I fell of my chair laughing at you comment a few days ago re the "distinctive sound their heads will make popping out of their a**."
Quote: they're thumbing their nose at society's view of marriage and saying instead that adultery is preferable over marriage.
Nicely put. Now add some small children to the mix and what do you have? My initial reaction to my W when I discovered the A 3 months ago was, "How could you be attracted to someone who would commit adultery with a happily married woman and actively work to destroy a family with small children??"
Quote: remember, please, that our spouses were the ones that strayed. They made the choice to fool around. The bottom line is that our spouses made the choice, not the other person.
I agree that the spouses are the ones who strayed, but in the beginning of my sitch, when I announced that I was going to make changes and work on saving my marriage, W told me that OM loved her and would fight for her. And he did.
On that first day of discovery I called OM and asked him why he wanted MY wife?...that we had small children - a baby, for God's sake! - Why? It's shameful!!
He told me that he was not proud of his actions, but he had feelings for her...so too bad I guess. I asked him to back off and leave us alone. He was text messaging my wife within 20 minutes of my plea to cease and desist.
So she strayed, but he did his damndest to lead her astray.
Later when I told my W how disgusting I found him to be, she asked why I don't feel the same way about her as I do him as she is just as culpable (if not more so). I told her that what I value most is my family, and she is part of my family.
I likened the affair to a diseased organ. THe sick organ will be the death of you, but its still your organ. Its the disease you hate. I told her that she is the liver and OM is the cancer. She got a chuckle out of my analogy...
How about the Mona Lisa instead...Let's say you have had the Mona Lisa for years and have enoyed it greatly. One day you come home and discover it had been scratched. Do you throw it away? Of course not. That is how I feel about my W.
My problem is that the scratch keeps getting bigger and bigger and I will one day get to the point where I will throw it away as it will be ripped to shreds!
Quote: My problem is that the scratch keeps getting bigger and bigger and I will one day get to the point where I will throw it away as it will be ripped to shreds!
My Mona Lisa has suddenly become unrecognizable due to the rips. All that's recognizable now is her diseased liver...
My initial reaction to my W when I discovered the A 3 months ago was, "How could you be attracted to someone who would commit adultery with a happily married woman and actively work to destroy a family with small children??"
He told me that he was not proud of his actions, but he had feelings for her...so too bad I guess.
The sad truth is that not everyone reasons as you do.
When I was single, I used to work closely with a woman, who, I would've loved to be with, but she was married. Yet, something must've been going on with her, because there were times when she'd mutter explicit suggestive phrases, but I didn't take the bait. Would've loved too! It was killing me!
Well, OP aren't quite like that. But there's no use pointing it out to them because they justify it with heaps of moronic idiocy... "I'm not proud of what I did but I have feelings..." oh please, what a losing argument that is! (But then, what kind of reasoning would you expect from a loser?)
Hey, Mr. OM, I'm not proud of this, but I have feelings too! Yep, I've had feelings of coming over with a baseball bat and breaking your knee caps just so that when you fall down it'd be more convenient for me to get in a few whacks at your head and bust your skull wide open. Gee, ya think maybe I should act on my feelings too, huh?
Quote: Hey, Mr. OM, I'm not proud of this, but I have feelings too! Yep, I've had feelings of coming over with a baseball bat and breaking your knee caps...
LOL! Good one NYS!
I went to visit the OM. I just wanted 5 min of his time to read a letter that I had written to him, basically asking him to look at the sitch from a)my point of view and b)from his point of view as a teacher comparing encouraging cheating in the classroom to encouraging WAW to cheating in her M.
He just said, "No, this is between you and your W". There it is, his socio/psycho pathic point of view. "I'm not really involved here. I'm just along for the ride. I'm just here because I'm getting the milk for free. There, my conscience is salved."
Oh, and he told me that I was insane b/c when I went to see him, my kids were in the next apartment building w/WAW. How insane is it that he knows where my kids are? Just another heap of moronic idiocy!
Hey Jabez...it was a good try. I did that back in 2000 when my W was EA with my son's batting coach. I went to him...and asked him for help in saving my M. He agreed and cut off contact with W. The sad thing is that as soon as he cut it off, my W called me and said she was having second thoughts and wanted to try it again. Anyway, enough about me. It was a good try. Don't try it again.
Time to get on the DB bandwagan and let the A play itself out.
