It's funny because I have been able to reach my H on some levels with OW sitch and then not at all on others. One time I sat down with H after running into the two of them on the street. I told H that my anger towards OW was misdirected. I felt so incredibly hurt by his actions that instead of letting H know I took it out on her. I looked him in the eye and asked "Do you understand just how much this is hurting me?" At that point I saw the mask fall for about a second and I could see that my H did in fact know how much it was hurting me.
So this is where it gets complicated. I know that he knows but in a lot of ways it is a big ol' power struggle between the two of us. He wants the ability to make his own choices and I want him to be accountable for his actions. Doesn't help that the friendship happens to be with a really immature, inappropriate individual who perpetuates the situation.
So looking at the problem from a larger perspective, which battles do I choose to fight now? There have been many, many positives in my sitch. I'm looking to rebuild the whole d**n house, not just change the drapes! So, I'm trying to keep the whole pic in perspective.
Two days ago over dinner, H was in a foul mood. He mentions that he is not feeling mentally "right". This sets off huge warning bells for me because H dropped bomb exactly a year ago this month using the exact same words about his depression, which led to further OW issues and then our separation.
This time he reassured me that it was not like last time and that it had to do with him needing to leave his job and what that would require of him. I thanked him for letting me know that it was different and said to him that it was never about him being depressed but rather how he choose to handle it the last time. I said that I was afraid of being shut out again, treated badly and that methods that he used for escape (drinking and hanging out with certain people) hurt me considerably.
The point was made with concern and in a non-confrontational manner. This seems to work much better with my H. I just need to back it up with more consistent DBing.
