I'm not familiar w/the divorce process, I wish I didn't have to become familiar with it.
For those who don't know -- my sitch in summary
H moved out in Nov. 2004. He had been having an EA for about 6 months. After moving out the EA progressed to a PA. I think the physical part of it has pretty much died out but the emotional part of it continues. I'm tired and I don't want to do this anymore. I still love him very much and I really don't want a divorce. The ironic part is he tells me he doesn't want a divorce either. But he can't seem to let go of the OW. Thus the reason I'm pursueing legal action. I can't change him, I can't make him end it w/her, all I can do is remove myself from the situation. Unfortunately I think it is going to take something as drastic as this for H to stop running from his issues (as he does by drowning himself in work) and face the fact he can't have both of us. (In his little fantasy world he would love to have both OW and me).
What I'm looking for from all of you is your opinions as to the pros/cons of each -- lawyer vs mediator. Both H and I are all for splitting everything fairly, I want nothing from him, we do not have any children and my income potential and his income potential are pretty much even. The only non-negotiable item is my dog -- he goes with me regardless. And the dog most likely won't be an issue as H works 24 hour shifts.
I'm leaning towards a mediator but would like to hear opinions before making a decision.
My H and I used a mediator along with my attorney. I like the mediator, because I fel more in control of our assets. I know it's all 50/50, but it seemed much easier, and she was more knowledgable than our attorney. MY attorney was very happy we did it that way.
Good luck, I'm sorry this is happening. No matter how much you get along and are willing to split things, it's very hard.
I'll weigh in on your question, but before I do I want to say that unless you are truly done I don't agree with filing for divorce. It isn't some sort of wake up call or remedy, although sometimes it seems that way to the walk away. You can stay separated, get a life, be happy without him, and moving on without getting divorced. But that's your decision. If you make the decision to divorce I think you told your H that you believe it's over and your done. You will make up his mind for him....to stick with OW.
Okay, in answer to your question. You don't need a mediator. There is nothing to fight about, you said so yourself. As long as you've agreed to everything, all you need is for a lawyer to basically say "the parties have amicably split the joint assets to their satisfaction" and both of you sign off on it. You both don't need a lawyer as long as you're fair. It probably wouldn't cost much. You can pretty much write it yourself and let your attorney put it into legal lingo. That's how I got a divorce and it goes smoothly.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thanks for you input. I do disagree with you as every sitch is different. My H says he wants to be with me, is upset to the point of crying when I mention divorce, tells me he knows what it is he needs to do, tells his Mother he doesn't want to lose me, blah, blah, blah. Ok then, he needs to make his choice. He can't have both of us and I'm no longer going to be disrespected this way. I in no uncertain terms told him that this is not what I want, but he was giving me no choice in the matter. That should he get himself straightened out and end it once and for all w/OW, then I will not further pursue the divorce. My H will not take action until he has too, that's just him. I am in no way trying to control him or manipulate him - I am just deciding that enough of this nonsense is enough.
We had a very long discussion on Sunday in which I told him I love him very much but I cannot make him come back, I cannot make him end it w/her, the only thing I can do is remove myself from the situation. I have my life, I have a career that has taken off, I am doing all the things I want to do, except have a family -- I will not allow him to take that opportunity away from me. There are already fertility issues that won't get better as I get older.
My H admits he wants the best of both worlds but also admits he knows he can't have that. I totally agree with you that this could push him to OW. And had I come to this decision as early as 2 months ago -- it very well may have. But he has admitted that he doesn't want a divorce, wants to come home and wants to work on us -- he just can't break it off with her. My feelings are -- sorry buddy, you can't have it both ways.
I know I'm taking quite a chance here. Ultimately I may not have to do -- I didn't tell him when I was going to make an appt but I did tell him that a lawyer I spoke to last winter told me a divorce could be final as early as November 2005. His reply to that was a tearful "I have some time then to figure everything out". I won't be calling for an appt until next week. Then it will probably be a few weeks before I can fit it into both my schedule and his. It may be unorthodox to do it this way, but I want both him and I to be present at the appt. No my lawyer talking to his lawyer -- we talk it out and should it come to it, let the lawyer handle the legalities.
Thank you for answering my question -- I really didn't know the role of a mediator thus the reason I asked.
Quote: We had a very long discussion on Sunday in which I told him I love him very much but I cannot make him come back, I cannot make him end it w/her
And yet you see instigating the divorce as a crutch to do exactly that, make him end it w/her and come back.
Tessa, I don't blame your motives. I personally don't approve of infidelity and have little patience for it. But I also believe that if you are the one to initiate divorce that you are saying..."I'm done with you forever. I'm moving on." I don't see it as a tool to beat your spouse into seeing the light. I see it solely as an admission that the marriage is over. It just seems paradoxical to want to be the one to both save your marriage and destroy it (I know...your H is the one that won't let go of OW). It seems to run counter to "divorce busting".
Most of that sounds harsh and I'm sorry, but I get the feeling that you feel there may be greener grass. If you get divorced you may find someone again and have kids. Will it be so easy after wanting to work on your marriage to start again with someone else and get to the having kids stage?
It's ultimately what you feel is best for you. I hope that at the point you file for divorce that you are doing it solely for yourself without expectations that your H will wake up suddenly and come running back, but rather with the expectation that the marriage is over.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Argue as in me and my H -- didn't happen. We didn't argue at all. It was the most productive conversation we have had since this nightmare started. And it truly was a calm, respectful conversation in which we both really listened to each other. So nope, no argueing. It is possible to talk about difficult topics without getting upset and fighting.
Quote: And yet you see instigating the divorce as a crutch to do exactly that, make him end it w/her and come back.
No, it's not a crutch. It is a "you've been on the fence for 10 months now and it's time you grew a set and made a decision".
The reality is the marriage is over. I've already lost everything I would lose by divorcing. My best friend, my companion, my first love. What else do I stand to lose, maybe a little financial security -- but I have options for a very good earning potential and can manage a very similiar lifestyle as I do now.
Quote: But I also believe that if you are the one to initiate divorce that you are saying..."I'm done with you forever. I'm moving on."
I totally agree it says I'm moving on. And at this point in the game that needs to be said. As far as it saying "I'm done with you forever" -- I don't see it that way and according to our discussion, neither does he. I don't know if I can get my thought across here -- In the way I explained my feelings to him it is more of, "I'm done with the situation and I will no longer tolerate your actions".
It truly boils down to -- enough is enough. I will no longer allow him to do this to me. I don't see it as "brow-beating" him to to lose her and come home. His decision is totally up to him -- he can keep her, but he loses me. It may appear that I'm "threatening" him with this -- but that's not my goal. He has made multiple indications that he doesn't want to lose me -- well, the fact of the matter is, if things continue as they are, he is losing me. This is his window of opportunity to figure it out.
Quote: Most of that sounds harsh and I'm sorry, but I get the feeling that you feel there may be greener grass. If you get divorced you may find someone again and have kids. Will it be so easy after wanting to work on your marriage to start again with someone else and get to the having kids stage?
It's going to take quite some time for me to feel comfortable enough w/my H, that he is truly committed to me, before I bring children into this. And that is after he finally makes up his mind should he make up his mind to work on us. It could take him another year or more just to reach that point and I can't take that chance. As far as starting over w/someone else. It might be easier, it might not be. I can tell you that my H has alot more to prove to me to have faith in him again than someone new would have to do. (I don't take the mistakes of one man and say all men are that way).
I am hoping that he uses this window of opportunity to, as he says, "figure it all out". I totally admit that. If he is sincere in that he doesn't want a divorce and he doesn't want to lose me then this is his last chance to make that right. Otherwise, if he is just giving me alot of hot air then I am done and the marriage that hasn't been will be officially over.
No, I meant you and I argue. It's strange, isn't it, that after all the fights about petty little things that the discussion about divorce is the most calm? I think because it's so sobering.
It sounds like you have it all figured out as far as your motivations. I don't doubt you'll be fine. I just hate this, especially because your situation (minus the other person) sounds like mine in that the divorce isn't clear cut; there is still potential for a saved marriage if the one spouse would just smell the coffee.
I know what you mean by may be easier with someone else. In my case, the new woman won't have proved that she's liable to jump ship or have an internet EA.
Good luck Tessa. I worry for you.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I just want to say thank you for your dialogue w/me. I realized that the desire to pursue a divorce was just a reaction to feelings. Yes, I'm tired of being hurt but I now understand that a D will not change those feelings.
Yeah, you were right, I was trying to control things again.
So for now I'm working on myself and living my life and when the time is right, he will come back home.
Thanks for waking me up -- I certainly had myself convinced that what I was planning to do was the right thing for the right reasons.
You're very welcome and welcome back to the board. It is perfectly understandable to have the reaction you did. It is only natural to pull your hand out of the fire when it's getting burned. And natural to pull your heart out of the fire too.
I think you have the right attitude with "working on myself and living my life". Enjoy the life that you do have and perhaps things will fall into place one way or the other; either with or without him.
Wanna share some of your personal goals with us? And goals related to your H? Maybe listing how you plan to live your own life will be helpful, to you and to us as well. Good luck Tessa.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Okay, maybe you've changed your mind, but here's my thoughts on mediation. My H and I did it 2 years ago. Our mediator was also a lawyer, but independent. It took 3 or 4 sessions to get it all worked out and get a draft separation agreement (Nov 1, 2003). At that point we were supposed to each run it by our individual lawyers for review and finalization.
H would bring it up only when he got mad. I told him he had to go to his L first, since I didn't want to use time or money I didn't really have to go twice. In January '04, he was mad about taxes and said "it's at my lawyer's right now!" In March '05, he sent an email titled "pending events" saying he saw his lawyer, the SA would be ready for me to take to my L in one week, it could be rolled into the divorce decree, and "the divorce would just be a formality". I didn't respond and have not heard one more thing about it. I have no idea what he's thinking and am afraid to ask. We've gotten along fairly well for the past year or so since he and OW split, but it has not progressed to the next step yet.
Anyway, I would recommend mediation. We had a house and a kid to deal with, and we got it done. It was emotionally draining and at times very hard but I think it was better than the lawyer to lawyer back and forth, both from a financial and adversarial standpoint.
The mediator we used was in Westminster, MD, if you are anywhere near there.
