just to update a bit. things are kind of "weird", but I think good.... I find myself "pondering" H....he still yo-yo's between being a sponge for attention, and resenting what he feels is me being "clingy", and I swear, I sometimes have a hard time seeing any difference in the way I'm doing things. I guess that what he sees is clingy is when I am anxious and seeking reassurance from him....so, really trying to NOT give that impression....but then he seems to feel neglected . For example, D and SIL were here for job interviews this past weekend. It was hectic, and I found myself getting caught up in their activities. Note to self: gotta keep priorities straight! anyway, they wanted to look at houses. no money, but wanted to look at houses. so, ok. I got several appts. made to look at some. We asked H to go with us....H didnt want to...so it was like "ok, see you later" and the kids and I went. Left him to his own devices (vices?). I told him I would call him, but my cell phone was ran down so didnt. well, he called D wanting to know where we were, and we met him at home for lunch. he commented to me, while hugging me, "you are taking me for granted". ; I told him I didnt mean to, but that I needed to get some of this stuff done. After lunch, H went with us...cheerfully. so, I don't know if that was good or bad.
H and I stayed home alone and watched a movie together while all the kids were out. H reached over and took my hand and held it, and said he loved me while we were watching. I always see this as a big +++.
Sunday I spent most of the afternoon and evening by myself dejunking two bedrooms, S's and the currently unoccupied one. Something I don't enjoy. and I was unhappy about it. got kind of grumpy and even tearful at the end of the evening. H looked upset and said "oh s--t", almost like he thought I was going to be angry at him. I wasn't, just frustrated that S13 can be such a sloppy kid....but to H's credit, instead of being angry, grumpy, irritable, and/or retreating, he actually sat down at the table and listened to me vent. and was encouraging and validating.
Yesterday (Monday) I had an email that said he had noticed on the leave calendar that monster is on vacation all week so there wouldnt be any anxiety-producing encounters.
Last night at home, he said that one of the other nurses had told him she went with her new "boy toy" to meet his family in Georgia.
this seems interesting, since a week ago she was complaining to H that things weren't going very fast on that front and she hadnt gotten what she wanted. Weird.
I told H that was weird, and he said not knowing her, she is so impatient that it probably wasnt going anywhere very fast. I asked why she would be commenting about that to him, and he said he thought it was weird too, all he could figure was either to rub it in his face or to make a "last ditch" appeal to get him to come back...kind of what I was thinking. H commented "maybe she'll get a ring for christmas" and didnt seem at all said about it, he was matter-of-fact...Boy, would that be the answer to prayers!!!!
This morning he was talking about a really tough couples session he had had...and how that his perspective is that his role/focus is to help people reconstruct their R/M, and that he tells them when they first come to see him that his assumption is that is what they are wanting to do or they wouldnt be there and that will be the focus of the work he will be helping them to do, and that if that is not what they are wanting, they need to be seeing an attorney and not him. I found this really interesting. Fascinating. and weird, still. It's like he's almost done a complete, full circle sweep back to where he used to be. Always a staunch believer in working to preserve M's. For so long he was drifting away from that perspective, and now to hear him coming back to it is strange, but I believe somehow significant. Maybe huge, I don't know, the full impact hasnt sunk in yet.
I had an email from him this morning saying he was having a good day, because he can walk through the halls and into the break room without being anxious about running into monster. Plus, he told me when he's taking off at christmas (used to not do that when he and monster were tight), said "I sure love you" in 2 different emails and that he's looking forward to some time off, and that it will be nice to have the kids home over the holidays, he just dreads helping them get moved (amen to that one)....
I've been thinking, I've been really off track on my weight loss efforts the last 6 weeks, and I must get back on track. I've hardly been to work out at all. Not good. This week I've kind of gotten going again diet wise, now I must get the working out done. this is important, I really do need to lose a lot more weight. H commented this past weekend "you stopped working out when you got me"....so I see a huge potential problem in the R, as well.
I guess I'm just damned tired from everything right now.
just an interesting note about emails to h: last week he commented when we were discussing emails that one time monster wrote a smoking "hot" one to him....and sent it to the wrong person. Instead of H, she sent it to one of the Doc's here. Almost one of the worst people it could have gone to in many ways, an older, Eastern European, very traditional woman. Evidently her response (I'm not sure if to H or monster, I'm guessing monster) was "what is the meaning of this"...H said he was mortified at the time, but it was pretty funny now. This was about the time I was laughing about monster running me down in door to the breakroom when she was chasing the coworker with the doughnuts, and the thought occured to me that I should tell him to "throw down the doughnuts and run for your life!"
it is still "almost" set up, Ellie, we still need to get the cables and pulleys attached. but close, and yes, I am planning to have him help me. In fact we discussed it this weekend when he made that comment, I told him it wasnt my intent and that I needed and intended to get back to it, he said we need to get finished in the basement so I can workout there too (he uses free weights now...big ones I'm scared to death of)...I mentioned I was counting on and looking forward to him helping me, and he said he would show me how...now, mind you he's said be my trainer before, so I'm hoping that will still be part of the deal. I think his encouragement would be very helpful.
I need to get back to doing my aerobics tapes as well, and they help pretty fast.
I did hear from D just a bit ago, she and SIL both accepted jobs today, it's a paycut from what they're making now, but at least something to get them started when they get back here. and her comment was "now I want my house"....so, maybe they will be out on their own quickly (I hope!)
last night H commented on what a good day he'd had because it was "monster free", how much more fun and relaxing it was to not have to worry about running into her.
This morning he wore the special t-shirt he reclaimed from her, and asked me to wrinkle spray it for him...I commented "ah, THE SHIRT", and he said yes, it was, it was too bad she wasnt there to see it because it always irritated her when he wears it, she always wanted it back, guess she has a collection of shirts from other guys, and wanted to add it to her trophy collection. I asked how she ever talked him out of it, and he said "it was really early on" and that it came back pretty early, too. I said something about what an irritant she still is, and H said "oh, now, she's probably off having the time of her life"....which really irritated me, and I said "again?" real sarcastically (thinking of 2 years ago this very week when she and H were on trip to our vacation spot) and H chuckled and said "yeah, again!" I asked what she does with her D when she takes off on her jaunts, and h said sends her to her dad's, where she doesnt want to go. He did comment that "she really doesnt get to go on very many trips" to which I responded "no, probably only when she takes up with a new guy"; H said she has to find guys who like to go to good places...problem with the live-in she dumped for H was he only liked to go to car races. I told H it chaps my @ss, still, she's had a heck of a lot more kid-free vacations than I ever have, just by dumping her kid and taking up with whoever looks best at the moment. H agree about the # of kid free vacations, and said he'd convinced there will be a high price to pay for the kid-dumping, if it hasnt already started.
Anyway, what a parasitic wh--e. Just amazing. I wish she would stay there, though. then I wouldnt have to see her pathetic irritating @ss.
Sorry, just needed to vent. Feeling a little raw I guess remembering all the horrible pain from 2 years ago this very week. I dont' even want to go into detail, because it just makes it more vivid. except to say it was awful.
And here she is, taking off again this same time on another big trip and here I am, still doing my best to keep it all together for my family. Sound a little pis-y this morning, don't I?
Well, anyway, I'm going to stop and pick up some dumbbells to keep in my office that I can use at lunch (I figure 15 minutes of that/day couldnt hurt a thing) and get my hair trimmed and colored.
Trying to really get my focus back to working out and getting my life back on track in other areas after the havoc wreaked by the monster stomping her way through.
Guess I should focus on the fact that things are much different now than 2 yeaars ago. Then she was on a romantic vacation with my H, and it looked for all the world like she was going to get him, I was lost and discouraged and depressed, broken hearted. NOW, she's off galavanting around, same old routine, with her newest conquest, but the good/best thing about it is that H honestly seems uninterested, even relieved.
I guess underneath it all, I am still furious that anyone can wreak such havoc on a family's life, and feel "entitled" to do so, and have no regrets. It just blows my mind. incomprehensible, although I know it's absolutely true.
Forgot to post, H mentioned yesterday, that the more he considers the family dynamics and state of the lives of monsters siblings, the more he believes there was probably incest. I've always kind of had that "inkling" also. H says she denies it, but he is now convinced that there was.
Ellie, don't know if you'll see this, but I was just thinking that I need you to follow me around and thump me on the forehead every now and then.
After my last posts I ws thinking that is not where my focus needs to be...it needs to be on "morphing" and increasing what is right between H & I. I recalled our convo last week about not waiting for him to email, so I sent him this short one:
Quote: I was just thinking how thankful I am for YOU! I will never be able to find the words to tell you. Hope your day is going well. Your Deb
and I got this one back:
Quote: Why thank you! The Receptionist has the day off so we are struggling to keep up. I guess I will get to meet A's (co-workers)fiance this afternoon at 4 pm. This should be interesting! I sure love you! Later D
You commented last week that he seems to respond well to the attention...and you are so right, he does anymore (didnt always!). I MUST remember this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Note to self: VERY IMPORTANT to remember this!
I'm thinking I may take this afternoon off and go buy a new outfit to look skinnier in, and get my hair trimmed. time to ramp up the morphing!!!!
A sign of continuing reconnection, I think: last night my sister called, wantedt to know if we could meet them for supper Sat. night, they live 6 hours from us but will be in town for hi school football playoffs. We're going to my folks for thanksgiving, but I think they won't be able to be there. H was disappointed, I guess he didnt know that, but then he commented maybe we should offer them a place to stay at our house Saturday or Friday if they needed it. He commented "I think they'd do the same for us"....wow. not too long ago he would have pitched a fit if I even dared to suggest such a thing, and he was declaring that he was never going to their house again because it was all such a pain....this is within the last year I heard him say that, actually last spring, I think.
Quote: I'm thinking I may take this afternoon off and go buy a new outfit to look skinnier in, and get my hair trimmed. time to ramp up the morphing!!!!
If you're buying pants, don't forget some high-heeled boots with pointy toes to make your legs look longer and leaner! And a really good bra - and something low-cut to show off your cleavage (the one advantage of being overweight!).
A little fake tanner makes your legs look slimmer too
yep, Ellie, i think you're reading my mind....exactly all the things i was thinking of! I know exactly the pair of pants I want, just not sure where to find them here in this town! hmmmmm, I did hear there's a new shop at the mall I've never tried, so may stop by there!
I've also been thinking my bras are all getting kinda shabby....so....what the heck???? of course I only have a couple of hours to do all this in!
. For example, D and SIL were here for job interviews this past weekend. It was hectic, and I found myself getting caught up in their activities. Note to self: gotta keep priorities straight! anyway, they wanted to look at houses. no money, but wanted to look at houses. so, ok. I got several appts. made to look at some. We asked H to go with us....H didnt want to...so it was like "ok, see you later" and the kids and I went. Left him to his own devices (vices?). I told him I would call him, but my cell phone was ran down so didnt. well, he called D wanting to know where we were, and we met him at home for lunch. he commented to me, while hugging me, "you are taking me for granted". 