3rd email was from H, said "that was sure brief"; I emailed back that I was having a tough day and sometimes briefer is better then.
So, what do I do now????? I can give him an ultimatum....again....but I can't control if he emails her or not. I really am trying to decide what to do now, if I over react, that puts me on the par with monster, on the other hand he needs to make it clear to her, as he said he had, that there will be no contact. plus he's not been wanting to discuss anything lately, so I've been trying to just "act as if" and go with the flow...
I am a long-time lurker of your thread. You fought long and hard for your M. Perhaps it might be a good time to establish boundaries around your M. Tell your H how you feel about the email contact using "I" statements.
"H, I would like to discuss the monster issue. It is too important to ignore this as it is making me feel hurtful and I want the pain to stop. I would like for us to get to the root of the problem which is the contact that is still going on between you two. For this M to heal and survive, all contact with the monster must cease immediately and onward. How about we write up a draft letter for you to send to the monster? I want us to work together as a team."
Here is a form letter that I've copied from another website:
No Contact Letter to Former Affair Parter -
<name>,
The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse who did not in any way deserve to be treated in that manner. I have recommitted to my marriage and am determined to make amends for the hurt I've caused and to be the partner my husband/wife deserves.
I am terribly sorry for all the pain I've caused, including to you and those around you. As I said, I was thoughtless and cruel. I hope that you will find healing and peace.
Because of the terrible offense to my husband/wife and the damage I have done to our marriage I am permanently ending all contact with you. I would ask that you respect my wish to regain my ethics and integrity and to heal my family and that you do not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.
My spouse has been told all the details of our relationship and s/he will also be told of any attempts at contact.
Once again, I am sorry for the pain I've caused to my spouse, my family, and to everyone else who has been affected by our actions. In order to protect my marriage and my wife/husband I must end all contact with you. Please respect my wish for no contact whatsoever in any form.
Sincerely (not love!!)
<name>
Ellie might be of assistance as her H wrote a similar no contact letter to the ex-OW. You can re-work this letter to suit your preferences. There is no need to issue an ultimatium, but to state very clearly and in no uncertain terms what your expectations are now that H is back home.
Deb - Quit waiting for him to email. Email him yourself - often!!!!! Clearly he responds to the attention. Don't leave a void for OW to fill. Send him silly things, brief notes that don't require a response, jokes, pictures of you(so long as they are appropriate for the work computer). I'm guessing he'll have a harder time gettting sucked into her drama if every email from her is followed by a cute, funny one from you!
Ellie PS - Do the kids HAVE to move in with you? I'm getting a bad feeling about this. Can you ask H if there is some other way he would like to handle it? Could you loan them money for rent somewhere else? Just feels like right now is a very bad time to have that additiona;l stress at home. I know it's tough to come up with the money, but still cheaper than divorce!
Quote: Deb - Quit waiting for him to email. Email him yourself - often!!!!! Clearly he responds to the attention. Don't leave a void for OW to fill. Send him silly things, brief notes that don't require a response, jokes, pictures of you(so long as they are appropriate for the work computer). I'm guessing he'll have a harder time gettting sucked into her drama if every email from her is followed by a cute, funny one from you!
Ellie really is brilliant! This falls right into line with your...
when he is disgusted at her, and when we've been especially close, and he has been really affectionate.
Try not to shut him down. Keep "training" his brain to respond to thoughts of......
deb =
monster =
You can make this all happen without saying a word against her. Let her keep hanging herself.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
I've said this before, she needs to be a DBing coach officially, and paid too!
DEB -
You have really worked hard to get where you are today, don't throw it away with hasty (re)actions. I think Ellie's advice is spot on, at least until you can talk calmly with your H about boundaries, no contact, and final letters to Monster etc.
Remember the rule, don't react straight away, give it at least twenty four hours, things look different cold...
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I know, I gotta stay cool. I have to get a legislative forum set up for this evening so no time to post, I did have an email from H that he is more and more disgusted with her, and that he loves me and thinks we are much closer than we've ever been.
Ellie, I know, I am worried about the kids coming too, this is just not a good time. but they are flat out broke, and we are not a whole lot better at the moment. but i'm wondering if we could maybe scrape together 2 months rent for them. They both have job interviews this Friday, so maybe it will be a possibility if we could spot them for a bit.
I just found some of the posts here, havent gotten back for 2 days. Have to say things are some better, but to respond:
Quote: You don't trust him, or you don't trust the monster?
to be honest, my trust in him is still tremulous because of all the times I worked so hard to not rush to judgement and trust what he said, and he was flat out stinking lying to me. all the hunting trips...all the saturdays of "doing paperwork"....paperwork, that's what I used to call her. soooooooo hard, and I pretty much knew and stuffed it all down. so now it's hard to get past that....except, things ARE different now. he is much more loving and considerate, and for the most part open. of course, it helps that he doesnt do paperwork anymore, , and that now S13 is old enough to hunt with his dad and likes it... and that he sends me emails that say ILY and holds my hand and snuggles me at night and makes a point of talking with me, and a lot of other little things.
I DO trust monster....I trust her to devote her warped pathetic mind to doing anything and everything she can to get back at both of us, to cause all the trouble she possibly can for as long as she possibly can. D and I were talking the night this all happened and she said "of course she never gives up, she's a psychopath and their minds don't work like other peoples and it's all part of the game". and you know what? she's right.
but as I type this, I realize that the answer is partially above....and H has said this in the last couple days as I've been so upset....but anyway, she gets her power by causing problems between us. not letting her do that takes away her power. So, the more I can ignore her crap, the less power she has. which is not to say I dont' need to make sure H knows my feelings about contact. But letting myself get upset by her is sure counter productive.
Hi Wonka, I didnt know you lurk here...funny thing is, I look for a lot of your posts and follow your suggestions. thanks for the letter. I will bring this up to h...it would be helpful if he could/would do this, although when we all work together, it's not possible to eliminate all contact...I'm still praying for another job for one of them!
I will have to wait for a quiter time to bring it up, though, as now things are in semi-turmoil in the out-of-town office...not a good time to approach him. But we do need to discuss this in more depth.
ummmm, Ellie, can I say "duh" loudly and often?????
I read this again this evening and it hit me...yes, DUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHH. he does respond to the attention. soaks it up. In an effort to not pursue hotly, I've held back on emailing, waiting for him to "chase" me, and sometimes waiting quite a while before I responded. So, now for a 180, I'm thinking I WILL be "initiator"...as JJ said, train his brain to think Deb = .
Something else I've been toying with is writing him a really "hot and nasty" lustful letter. frankly, I don't even know how to do this, but I've read some of YoYo's phone convos w/her H and they amaze me. It would be totally out of character, and I bet surprise the heck out of H.
I think it would be safe to try, in that I think he's out of the "it's insulting that you think all I think about is sex" stage. sheesh, that's been a year and 1/2 ago, and I still remember those fits and temper tantrums.
I sure am hoping the kids can find jobs before they move back and get a place. it will not help us one bit, H even commented a couple weeks ago that we were just getting things put back together and this would sure make it more difficult. it's hard not to be scared about that.
