I am having a tough tough time this morning. yesterday I hardly heard from h at all. but when he got home last night it became clear he had plenty of time to spend on email with monster. it just sucks I am so sick of this. it makes me crazy. And I seem to not be able to keep it from affecting me, even when I've tried really hard and think I'm doing ok. I am convinced monster is trying her damnedest to get H back, and I cant help but worry that it will work again, after all it always has before. I am so tired of this battle. I have not had one single email from H today. I've even turned off my interoffice email so I won't be settign myself up for disappointment by looking at it.
As I mentioned, she parked right next to me yesterday. that struck me as a really aggressive move. I mean in the parking space right next to me. Not close, right next to me.
So, when H got home last night we were talking, and I don't know how the subject got to monster, but it did. I had been going to say nothing about her...but somehow I mentioned that I'd had the joy of getting to be right next to her...and then H started in telling about their email conversations.
Evidently monster had her evaluation and it was good and she got a raise, so s--t, she'll be here for ever. although h said she talked about how poorly employees are treated here and that he encouraged her to explore other opportunities???????
evidently she emailed H that things are not working out with the new boyfriend (damn that only took 3 months) and that h has ruined her life and that she is so lonely and that she is trying to fill up her weekends by taking her D to do things....I don't know what else was discussed, this is all I recall H mentioning.
H says it makes him angry and irritated, that he cant' take all of her fit throwing and emotion. I told him she is trying to get him back trying to guilt him into it...H says he doesnt see it, it doesnt make sense to him. But I know that is what she is doing.
oh yeah, H said she told him that it isnt fair, that he got what he wanted (me, our home & family) and she didnt get what she wanted (H or other guy).
I don't know what to do or think....I was pretty upset last night. H said he would never again say a word about anything between them, I told him that makes it worse. This morning we repeated those conversations, H said he was sorry, he should have been more considerate about what he told me. that I have nothing to worry about, that all her whining and fit throwing makes him more and more glad that he is away from her, that he cant stand it. That he feels more peaceful now, and that the more he is away from it/her the more he realizes how bad it really was.
He said he should just deleter her emails and ignore them but she makes him so angry.
last night when we got in bed, i was kind of over on my side, and H said "arent you going to hold me"...so I did, but it was hard to keep from crying. several times in the night he put his arm around me.
I don't know for sure, but I'm betting that his pulling back the last 2/3 weeks has something to do with monster, although he has denied it.
I really don't know what I'm going to do now...pull back myself I guess, reevaluate and catch my breath. I wish I could find my 'after the affair" book. I may have to ask him for it....I think he has to have it.
In there it talks about asking for what you need to get past it...I've been wondering if it's time to do that. I truly don't know.
I sure wish I would hear from him. I know it's childish and clingy and not detached, but it still makes me feel better.
If anybody has any ideas, I could sure use them. or insights if not ideas about what to do.
I have to work late tonight so won't be able to talk to him.
