I am surprised at what a hard time I still have; I must keep my focus on doing what works to bring about the M and R that I (we) need and want. Even after all this time I find my self going back to focusing on the a and all of the grief and pain comes swirling back over me. I don't know why it's so bad right now, other than the anniversary of "bomb day"...I'm sure there will be more anniversaries.
This morning before work, the subject of monster came up, I dont recall how or what was said, but I do know H brought it up and it was light-hearted. when he was leaving for work, I said something about how much he means to me and that it bugs me that there is nothing I can say that she didnt already say. H said I should have said it 1st....I told him I thought I had, and he said "no you didnt"....I started to feel really sad....then I saw the opened cell phone bill on his dresser, I could have looked at it but didnt....I had a really really tough time with that. I don't know if he calls her or not, he says not....I do know our home phone bill is much less, and last month he told me I could look at it if I wanted to...I told him I didnt want to....but still I cant help but fret. I don't know why I can't stop fretting. I do ok until I see the phone bills, or the entry in the check book where he's paid them.
As I got to work, I pulled into the parking lot at the exact same time as monster, who parked in the place just across the walk way from me. As she was crossing the parking lot with the person who rides with her, H was going to his vehicle with another coworker to leave for out of town. I got this email from him when he got to the office:
Quote: Dang; What are you and monster calling each other so you arrive at work at exactly the same time, and parking right next to each other? I swear, you just are going have to find another spot I guess. Any way, I love you and I hope you have a nice day and don’t dwell on monster, I can assure you she isn’t dwelling on me or us. Your D
At the same time he was sending me that, I was sending him one telling him I'd felt sad after our discussion this morning, and that I was sorry I had let him down before by being so cool, and that I hoped he'd forgive me someday. I got this one in response from him, which made me tear up, I thought it was really sweet:
Quote: I have forgiven you a long time ago. I think we just need to look forward and stop spending so much time in the past and on the monster, no good will come from focusing there, hope is in the future and joy in the present. I love you too! Your D
Frankly it makes me tear up again just reading it. Why, now am I having such a hard time letting go of all this??????I truly believe H is sincere when he says such things, he may have had an affair, but he is not a "gamer" or "womanizer", if you know what I mean....so why so these things still haunt me????? why is it taking me so long to move on?
On the other hand, maybe it isnt taking me all that long....it didnt really end until the first of June, and I don't think H was REALLY all the way back until the end of August, after our vacation when monster started dating again.
It is so weird, I can pull it together and pick him up and comfort him, and then when he turns to me with reassurance and support I feel like I fall apart. I'm sitting here now with tears in my eyes, and I just feel worn out. exhausted.
