Life is so busy these days I'm just not getting/finding time to post. Maybe that's good, I don't know...I do try to check around and keep up with some folks threads here, but even that I don't get done much. I do need to journal to keep track of things, though.
Ellie and dfb: thanks for your thoughts on S taking the sat/act's...after thought and discussion and speaking w/school counselor and math teacher and S, we've decided to let him take it. The least that could happen is that he will know what it's like early on and gain the experience... best would be that he would qualify for some neat experiences that he cant get locally. He's in the gifted program at school, but it's pretty limited. I feel like he needs MORE to be challenged, the kid is bored. and when he's bored he gets lazy....although he refers to that program as his "life saver". They let them use calculators now, so that will help him with the math part. I spoke with his math teacher who has recommended a tutor whom she says is very good with different learning styles, so need to check that out. Ellie, you asked what his problems are, and honestly I'm not quite sure, he is a very visual/spatial learner...doesnt do well by "rote" learning. he knows the basic facts, but not "instantly"...has to think..and i think lacks confidence. interestingly, he does much better in geometry and algebra. weird.
YoYo...yes, it is tough, very tough, working all in the same place. there have been days when I would just set a my desk and fight back tears, and having to be in the proximity was horrible (my office is in a different building) and things life all-staff meetings and annual dinners would absolutely knock me on the floor. Even now it is painful to look back on how hard it was. Seeing her car in the parking lot made me nuts, not seeing it made me nuts, seeing her name on the leave calendar made me nuts (usually with good reason). Ever so slowly that is going away, although I still hope and pray that she will find a job somewhere else.
to update on sitch...actually things are for the most part calm and good, very busy, we are still working on getting the homegym put together, slowly progressing, and H is really wanting to get a pool table, etc., down in the basement with it. He commented that he wants us to have some "interactive things people do together that are fun, not just watching tv". I took that as a big positive!!!!!! certainly a change from the days when he wanted to be nowhere near any of us, let alone interacting. H has also volunteered to be my personal trainer/fitness coach. We have to get the rest of the equipment up first, but that will be nice. I think I will enjoy it much more and be more committed if H is showing me how to work out and helping me do it and working out with me. I'm excited, but think I'll keep my fitness center membership.
H has FINALLY FINALLY after all this time instituted a "no contact" rule with ow monster and seems to be making it stick....even professionally he has told her no contact, he will go through some one else. evidently she emailed him asking if she could bring some medication samples to him for him to give a patient (this is what she used to do/use as an excuse to see him), and he told her he wanted no contact, that there was no reason for her to contact him about it, just to put the persons name on it and leave it in his mail box. She then gave some type of nasty reply, to which H says he suggested she might want to apply for a job at the hospital, he'd heard there were numerous openings, and hasnt heard a word from her by his report. I tend to believe him because he's pretty unemotional when he talks about it, and sees her evidently as more of an aggravation then a "lost love".
A couple of comments that H made this past week about monster have stuck in my mind. don't remember the day, but he said he had told her that I called her "wonder woman" (yes, I remember doing that, told h the wonder was how the he-l she managed to pull all the crap she did and suck in all the guys she does.), and that she got really ticked off. That he had gotten so sick of the way she treated him that it eventually got to the point of hating to see her. that she was so mean and nasty...said that one snowy winter day a year ago this past Jan, she had stayed home on a 'snow day" with her daughter, called him at the out of town office, saying how lonely she was and couldnt he leave work and come be with her; said he'd told her he couldnt but would try to get out early and stop by but couldnt stay long. he had cancellations, left the office early, drove through snowy roads he didnt even think he'd make it through for 60 miles, and walked in her door and she said "what are you doing here"...he was puzzled and said 'you asked me to come" and she said "you cant stay long', and he said no he couldnt but he did the best he could, and she blew up...he said he was leaving, and she pushed him out the door and was kicking snow off her porch on him. The really hard thing about this is I remember that day....fully well....I knew he had left work, confronted him and got a lie that made know sense, and was just sick at heart and so sad about it. it hurts even to recall it now, but in hindsight I can see that monster was cooking her own goose.
H also said that he had told her that he would always love me (I let myself take that as sweet) and that she had "blown sky high" on that one....
I told h about some of the info I've found on the web...about ow and her x etc., and h wanted to know if I had his email address...didnt but got it....H says he's going to email him some info...porno sex sites of herself ow has, I believe, because H believes that the guy needs to know to protect their D....scary stuff to me. I can't imagine. However, again in hindsight things become clear. I remember when I was scared and mystified about a year/year and 1/2 ago because H was suddenly talking about "swinging" and internet sex and doing all kinds of weird stuff....such a change for him, I couldnt figure out what was up. Now I see....he was, I believe, comparing my reactions/response to such things to ow's....we've had discussions about that kind of thing lately, I've expressed my opinion that to me it seems unhealthy in an emotional way, in that it 's not an expression of love or even playing between 2 people, or even for pleasure, but more of a "baiting" or "luring" technique....and h agreed. interesting.
Ok, this I've debated about posting, guess I will....I think it's very positive, but it is so out of character for me (and I always would have thought for H, but don't want to go there too much in my mind, for reasons that aren't too hard to guess). It's been a long, long time since I've been in H's office here. since about the time monster came to work here and landed in the office next door to him to be specific. prior to that , I'd stop by a couple of times a week and we'd chat, sometimes have lunch together and gossip, maybe a peck on the cheek behind a closed door. that all stopped within 2 weeks of monsters appearance because it was obvious he didnt want me there. So I stopped going and began to hide.
well this last tuesday, we had an email convo, and I said I was missing him...he replied "well, I'm doing paperwork, you could run over and I'd have time to give you a quick hug"...so I did. His door was shut, I knocked and he opened it and seemed happy to see me. He was wearing his reading glasses, I never see him in them....I was struck by how cute and sexy and sophisticated he looked in them. told him so....he scoffed "oh...." about it. Then he got up and went over and locked the door and there was a nice hug and kiss that led to some VERY heavy petting. i couldnt believe it, I've never done such a thing in my life, although unfortunately I imagine H and monster have. ick. still it was nice, although a person sure wouldnt want to get caught. And the icing on the cake was I heard monster walk by talking in the hall during that time.
Hmmmmm, brings up another thought. for the longest time H had a blanket and pillow in the back of his vehicle. again, drove me nuts but I never said a word. it was there for 2 years. this summer he took it out of the back of his vehicle and unceremonisouly dumped them on the floor in the family room and left them. I left them too, and didnt say a word. they were there for months. now I've picked them up, put them in garbage bags, and they are on the way to either good will or some dumpster some where. I've had them packed for 2 weeks waiting to see if H says anything, he hasnt, but he has to have noticed they are gone. Also, there is a snapshot of H and S and D and I at an alpine lake we always hike to. the pic is about 6 years old. it has ALWAYS been tucked into the mirror on H's side of the dresser...the 1st summer of the a, when I knew something was going on but he was denying it, I noticed that pic was taken down, buried in the basket on the dresser where his wedding ring was (no, he still isnt wearing it, but it is in a place on honor on the dresser, hopefully it's because his finger is still swollen, I just keep "acting as if"...anyway, this summer, just about the time that damnable pillow and blanket came out of the suv, the hiking pic went back up to it's old place in the corner of the mirror. Coincidence? I don't think so.
I'm hoping for a good weekend of getting the gym together, ML and snuggling, watching movies....
I was thinking this week that things still arent where I want them (I have high expectations!) but honestly I believe they are now better than they've ever been between us. still a good ways to go....but we've come so far.
ah, I still have to gloat, though, did my heart a world of good to be in a hot embrace with H and hear ow in the hall.
just bumping so hopefully I can post more easily tomorrow. I even reread parts of not just friends, and it says that keeping a journal actually helps boost your immunie system by increasing T-cells. interesting.
Today, this very day, is the 2nd anniversary of "the bomb"....when I got confirmation of H's damned affair. I'm doing ok, actually, partly because H is so loving these days.
This morning we were talking and I told him the significance of the date, and he said he didnt recall dates like I do (true)...and I mentioned that I think we are as "good" as we'ver ever been, even in the beginning. and H said he thinks we are BETTER than we've EVER been, even in the beginning.
So, great news, right? yes, and I'm happy and relieved. but get this.....monster must remember dates. H has talked about her always having to have the last word. Well, today H got to work first....I got to work after him....I parked in my usual place, h is at right angles around the parking lot corner in what would be right next to me, next space around the corner but.....yep, you guessed it, monster parked next to H, right in between us. it has to be purposeful, because there is not even a parking place where she's parked...she's just pulled right in next to him on the end of the row. If that isn't "in the face" to me, I don't know what is. I did send an email grumping to H about it, which I shouldnt have done, because he may read her the riot act about it, which she would probably love to have so she had something to complain about him to the boss about. the nerve of that woman. It is truly incredible.
These kind of "anniversary" days do have a tendency to really suck! Do take heart in the fact, though, that eventually this date will go by, without you even realizing it. Especially with the support and encouragement you're getting from your H.
For some strange reason, I think just to torture myself, I used to have the "bomb date" programed in to the calendar on my cell phone. So, every year when that day would come around, or if I were to view the whole calendar, I would see it, and get those ugly old feelings back again. Fortunately, when I got a new phone and switched the memory card, the dates didn't transfer over. So now, after 5 or 6 years (however long it's been!), I really couldn't tell you for sure what date it happened!
Guess that I could go look up some of my old posts and find it, but nah, don't think I want to go there!!
Anyway, know that soon this will pass. I'm glad you were able to talk about this with your H, and it turned out ok. Bet you never thought THAT would happen, did you?! I hope that you and he can spend some time tonight doing something extra loving for each other, and help to create some new good memories for this day!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Ok, to update a little, havent posted for over a week. guess I'll start "now" and work backwards. Already grumped about today and ow's "in your face" trick....got an email back from H that she is honoring his "no contact" request, and it ended with "I love you, quit stressing!!!!".... last night, H initiated ML...had no problems. I get severall emails from him every day now saying ILY and signed "your D"...SO different from how he has ever been.
I havent slept well for several nights, he used to be hateful, now he is comforting...says he's sorry I cant sleep, offers to hold me....So different, again.
Also last night, he was talking about that we should go over to the little town his other office is in and tour a mansion and have lunch and look around....which would be fun, and a start towards going out to do things together. I agreed I'd love to, so now to encourage him to make specific plans.... One of my goals now is to have us go out to do stuff every now and then....we shall see how well I've developed my db skills, this will be a bigger challenge that it sounds.
This past weekend was frantically busy, I had to work extra, so we didnt get to spend much "snuggle time". I was also kind of clingy and weepy, didnt cry in front of H but was sad in my heart because of today....I knew the date is today, but it would have been on a Saturday, which in my mind was this past one....PLUS, H was cranky, distant and grumpy....not a good combination at all. in the past we would have wound up with some kind of not-so-good interaction. this time, we handled it totally different....H complained about me being clingy....I really struggled, but I pushed myself and told him what was on my mind. it was scary, but he was very sweet and reassuring and loving, and told me that what was wrong with him was having had a really tough week at work, and being frustrated by it. I told him that helped me a lot, because my fear is always that monster is back when he pulls away from me. I think this was Friday....Saturday he invited me to walk with him, we had a good time. At one point, he came up behind me unexpectedly in the family room and another time in the kitchen, grabbed me playfully from behind and said "ILY"....several other times he made a point of telling me that, and then said "see, I'm trying to be extra loving this weekend because it's a hard one for you. I told him yes, I noticed, and that it helps so much and I appreciate it.
We almost have his weight machine put together! then he can start coaching me....I'm not sure if that's exciting or not....
in the last 2 weeks, H has: --commented that he threw away the little gifts she gave him...puzzles, stuffed animals, etc., --commented that he thinks we have a loving home, that you can tell that even from the way the animals act (boy is that a complete turn around from the days when every thing stunk and it was all my fault), --a week ago, commented to me that he'd moved 2 chairs in the family room into the bay window by the bistro table so we could "drink coffee in the morning"...I thought that was big...we havent sat down to drink coffee there yet, I gotta make that a goal. --Started to really emphasize how he wants to get the basement that isnt taken over with his workout equipment turned into a game room, so we all have "fun things to do that are interactive instead of just watching tv".... --Started reading Not Just Friends. I never said one word about that, he said he'd like to see it, so I laid it on the table, I did comment that it helped me a lot and it took me a long while to read it because it was so vivid. Now, he has taken it to work to read, with the comment that he needed to read it because he'd assigned it to a couple he sees in therapy to read. THAT really strikes me as big....and certainly a 180 from the days when he'd throw books at me. --H has talked a lot about his "no contact" rule with monster, that any communication they cant' avoid is cc'd to her supervisor, "so there's always a 3rd party, it's never just between us and it's always only work related and when it cant' be avoided"....this afternoon even he emailed me this. AND, it's straight out of Not Just Friends. Weekend before last, we were in the basement putting his equipment together, talking about "stuff" (the A, monster, us) and I mentioned the time he came home and somehow the outside door was locked, ( I honestly have no idea how that happened) and he started screaming and yelling and cussing "let me in!"...I asked him why he reacted so severely, and he said, in tears, "I was terrified, I was so scared I would lose you and all of this"...go figure. --H also told me the night I found him shacked up with monster (Jan. 2, 2004), that she had told him not to come home, that I would shoot him because I'd taken his gun out of his truck....and that she went on and on about it. I asked if he really believed that, and he said no, that's why he came home.... Also commented about that night "she'd have had me if you'd have done that much more". --H also commented that monster had "done everything she could for 2 years and none of it worked"
This morning I told him I appreciated how patient he's been with me this weekend (I've had a hard time for some reason, as I said kinda weepy and clingy), and he said "you've been patient with me".
Hi JJ, thanks, I've been surprised how hard this anniversary has been, I think as hard as last year, really. But, as you say, I am so surprised we were able to talk to each other about what was going on with us....we NEVER used to do that...and it led to alot of misinterpretation that helped to get us into trouble.
In many ways, we are already so much better than I ever ever dreamed we could be, I'm not sure why I even bother to go there in my mind, I guess it just takes a while to get through it for a final time. Sometimes my mind goes there from some little unpredictable thing, and i find myself tearing up....but really we have never been able to talk about things like we do now, and I have never gotten to see this tender, considerate, concerned side of H. I have to say, I love it.
I do find it kind of curious that he's now chosen to read "not just friends"....he may have assigned it to someone, but I get the impression it is somehow for his own benefit. I'm thinking he's looking for some answers, understanding of some part of this whole thing, for himself. which is good! and something else I never thought I'd see. He commented that he sees some of monster in some of the scenarios in the book.
i just had to add: I can't believe this has taken 2 years. 2 whole years. 2 hard and gut-wrenching years. It is incredible, I never ever would have believed I could do it. Nor would i have believed the outcome could be so good. I really feel like we're gonna get things put back together better than they were before.
I gotta give H some credit to, he really is a good guy, it has been a hellishly hard time for him as well, and he has been so patient with me for the most part. especially in the last 9 months or so.....
hmmmm, I"m thinking on JJ's post....create new loving memories on this date. I have 3.5 hours before H gets home, maybe I can come up with something really fast to make it good. hmmmmmmm new candles, maybe, something quick he likes for supper...a card.....music, happy music....
Hi debcb, just jumping in here. You have so many good things happening for you, it's encouraging to hear about it. I couldn't resist a comment on your remark
Quote: commented that he thinks we have a loving home, that you can tell that even from the way the animals act
We struggled with so much last year with the animals here too. Not that they weren't taken care of, but it was just all so different. Animals are a reflection of their people.
Thanks for your encouraging updates!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
