H mentioned that on Tuesday he actually had to go to talk to monster in person 2X regarding a case ; he took a letter he'd received from insurance about the patient, handed it to her, and she said "I'll read personal things later"...to which he replied "this is NOT personal and it must be addressed NOW, that is why I'm here". I hate it he has to speak to her, but I'm not as upset when he voluntarily talks about it. He commented "I looked at her and thought what did I ever see in HER?"...made me feel a little better.
Last night we were talking about something just before we went to sleep, not even sure what, but he commented "I think we've got a really great thing going here, don't you?" never thought I'd hear that either.
I am not sure if I have ever posted to your thread, but I have kept up with it for quite a while, and my hats off to you for your patience and deligince in seeing this thing through. You really deserve to have a restored, loving marriage, and it looks like you are getting it at last.
Good Wishes,
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
thought I'd try to post an update...things are so hectic at work I hardly have time to post anymore...
I believe things are going well, I think we've probably become a "sucess story" as such, but I dont' think dbing is ever over....guess I learned that the hard way.
H is still warm and loving, for the most part more than he ever has been...I get emails everyday from him, at least once, with ILY...it is so nice. Last weekend he was still in his most recent "sex athon" mode. and things worked well. Then, we both seem to have gotten a bit of an intetinal "bug" of some sort, which really put the damper on things. My birthday was Sunday, and H gave me a really nice, sentimental, MUSHY card. The kind I used to get pre-a, and dispaired of ever getting again. I got teary-eyed every time I read it. He cheerfully took me out to eat at a new restaurant, although he did say he wasnt "much of a go out to eat" guy when I asked if he enjoyed it....but he used to "piss and moan" about it if I even asked.
Yesterday was an interesting day. Staff meeting. some idiots came up with the idea of doing some stupid "team building" activities. I got a bad feeling about this when I saw it in the newletter a week ago. just a really bad feeling. I even told H that one of us would end up on a team with monster. Sometimes it's hell to have esp. so, between the stomach bug and the anxiety about that, I really was sick. so I called in sick....
When H got home last night, I asked him how it went and who all was in his group.....yep....of course....monster. I guess the female co-worker in the out of town office came by the table at the beginning of the exercise and asked him if he'd gotten stuck with all the people he didnt want to be stuck with....which po'd monster because she hates this woman anyway. but, H said she was appropriate and didnt act like she was much happier about being there than he was. He did say maybe it was good, because he had the chance to look at her and think "oh well" and then to look at the other people at the table and think which ones were really his friends.
Then a long talk started about the sitch....lasted a couple of hours. H said that he is amazed at how his "old" friends at work are coming back, how different they act now. Evidently the secretary in monsters' dept even commented that he'd be a lot happier now...and H said he wasnt sure what they were talking about, but if it was what he thought, that yes, he would. how now he can chat with female coworkers who have been his friends for years (monster was so jealous and pitched such fits he was pretty isolated), and that it makes work so much more fun and he is so much more relaxed.
H said that monster was really angry at him for cheating on her with me....that last may in the infamous email-reading blow-up, one thing that set her off was that she had wanted him to meet her when she brought her D up for a party, and he said he had other plans, and when monster was reading our emails it became evident that his plans had been walking with me....guess she blew up over that one. and other things we did together....so interesting, she is mad at him for cheating on her. said that he had called her from work one tuesday in may around this time, and told her he wasnt leaving (he was supposed to go June 1) and she said "all right that's it".
We talked about how weird he was on vacation again this year, how he had been so loving just before and then suddenly become so distant...and that it had caught me off guard and frightened me. he said it had caught him off guard too, that he hadnt expected to be so caught up in the memories. that all the stores we went into they'd been in, that we walked by a rock where she'd written ILY, and by where she had made snow angels. and that is was still hard. I asked if we should not go back there, or stay in different kinds of cabins, and he said "no" that he didnt want to give so much power to such an a-s. I said something to the effect that it galls me that monster has no remorse what so ever for all the pain she's caused, and that I will always be put off by that. H said she doesnt, that she sees other women as competition. than he made a comment that "you left the door open and she walked in"...I told him most women wouldn't do that, only a "certain type".
Then H got irritated, said he didnt want to talk about it any more, that he was sick of talking about it, that he understood the anxiety but it just brought it all back up, that he was sick of coming home and talking about it. I was caught off guard, I honestly thought I was being helpful by listening, I didnt start this conversation...he did....and he didnt go walking because he was so caught up in talking. He told me if there was anything else I needed to know to ask then because he was sick of talkign about it and didnt want to do so again. I managed to stay calm, although I think I had a tear run down my cheek. Told him I was sorry he felt that way....and thanked him for his patience.
neither of us slept very well last night, but this morning before work, H talked about that she'd had a football jersey of his....so weird, HE brought this up...not me....I just said, "oh, I didnt know that"...Before leaving for work h said ILY, and that he was sorry for being so irritable the night before...that he knew my anxiety and need to talk was completely normal. He did make the comment "I tell you everything now"...and I told him I knew he did and that it does help...he said he's not always so sure. Still, this is weird, because I am NOT the one who starts conversations about monster for the most part. I get the feeling that he needs to talk.
H also told me that he talked alot about it with the female co-worker in the out of town office last spring and summer. and that she was very helpful. She's the one we got the yorkie from. I had an email from her this am that she was glad he got such a loving home, and I thanked her for letting us have him, and told her I understood she was helpful to H in a personal matter and thanked her for that as well, and she said "you're welcome for both, I think you guys are a neat couple"...
I've only had a couple of emails from H, but in one H said we are "good and getting better", and signed it "your D".
He keeps swearing to me over and over and over again that I have nothing to worry about. Oh yeah, last night in bed, he made the comment that "this is where I want to be, you can damn well bet that I wouldnt be here if I didnt want to"
His reassurance does help, I'm finally at long last becoming certain that yes, it's over, and yes, he's here to stay, and yes, we can make our M into a new, better version.
Sometimes though I still get hit by the enormity of the lies and the deceptions and the hurt comes to the surface and just kind of knocks me over for a while. tough to deal with. I'm not sure how to get past it...although really it's all pretty fresh, since really it just "ended" in august, the end of august even. Lord this has gone on for a long long time.
Deb - I am so happy that you are becoming a Success Story. I just hope and pray that mine would slowly morph into one. I see positives in my H, am hopeful but am still cautious and try not to expect too much. BUT it is rather hard. I think the rubber band trick really works! I have to remind myself constantly to be patient and not PUSH too hard. I have some ppl who tells me that although I don't want to sound too PUSHY, I should give subtle signals to H that I do want him back. On one hand, I am trying to NOT pursue and practice the LRT, but on the other hand, want to practise AS-IF. Those are two extremes... I am trying to find a middle ground.
thanks, YoYo, it's been a long hard road and I sometimes still have tough moments, but I think we're getting there
the night before last when H got kind of irritable again, when he made his comment about me leaving the door open and monster walking in, I very nearly became upset, I wanted so much to say "...yes, but, you hurt me too...." as I would have in the past, but i guess my hard-learned dbing lessons kicked in....I did say "I didnt understand, and I hope someday you can forgive me"....we were both 1/2 asleep by then, and h mumbled something, I think he mumbled "I already have"...something else I always wanted to hear.
yesterday, h had a hellish day at work. I was out of the office most of the day. I got 1 email from him about 1, in it he commented that he was "looking forward to the weekend and some snuggle time with my Deb"...he came by my office before heading home when he got off, and I told him I'd been thinking of him and ILY...and he commented, "well I didnt know it because I didnt hear from you all day"....and he sounded hurt, worried, disappointed, not sure which. I told him I was sorry, I'd been gone, guess I needed to put the out of office thing in my email. So, I'm thinking my inadvertantly going dark for a day may have been good.
I got home late evening from work, H and S were watching tv, H came into the kitchen to greet me. then he went back to his tv spot, and I went in to sit beside him. he reached his hand over and said "well I'm glad you're home"...I kissed him and told him i'd missed him.
At bed time I asked if I could snuggle him, and he said "sure, I'm needing my X (pet name he used to call me) so we snuggled and I went to sleep. h woke me up sometime later to ml, but he couldnt finish again. I hate that but I'm noticing a pattern here, it seems to occur more at night, I dont' think he's ever had a problem in the mornings.
This morning, somehow we got on the topic of going to our vacation spot over xmas. h said he didnt think we should because of money. I told him I wanted to...he was kind of adamant that we should stay home and try to get some bills caught up instead. he's right, of course, but it kinda bothers me that somehow this has something to do with monster. i asked him if it would bother him to be there and he said he didnt think so now, and asked why. I told him I just didnt want to see him hurting so again when we're there.
I have said nothing about monster for the last 2 days, although I remember h made some comment yesterday before work, don't recall what. I wonder if he notices that I've not brought it up?????? I do want to ask him if she's giving him crap here at work still, but have/am resisting.
one night last weekend as we got into bed, we were talking I think about the "bad old days" and how distant we were then...and H commented "you would have never done this then"...I was clueless what he meant, and asked, and he said "get into bed naked and hold me". sighhhhhhhhh...if only I had know then how far reaching the ramifications of such simple things are, I could have saved us all a huge amount of pain.
I'm pondering a sitch right now outside of DB....interested in input. S13 is a gifted child with a learning disability in math. very gifted in other areas, but really struggles with math. well, he's getting a C in it, but that is with difficulty. so here's the dilemma. S has been invited to participate in Duke University's 7th grade talent search. what this means is that he has to test to qualify for a bunch of really neat programs they have. the testing is the actual SAT/ACT, he would take it with the high school juniors and seniors.
Sometimes S like the challenge of tests, and I know he will do fine in science and humanities, he tested at 11th grade level in those in 1st grade. BUT, i'm pretty sure he will bomb the math part big time. I guess my inner debate is, let him test and see how it goes, or pass up the opportunity because the math portion could be so discouraging for him? He is a very sensitive kid...On the other hand, it would give him a chance at the very least to see what the test is like, and to understand how important it is for him to maintain his efforts to overcome his difficulties. worse that could happen is that he is even more discouraged and anxious about math. If he qualifies though, he would have so many neat opportunities to give him the challenges he needs. i dont' know, I'm really torn.
S is not real commental about his thoughts one way or the other right now.
I had to laugh though...S and I were discussing it last night, and it was so clearly brought home to me that he may be bright, but he is still a just-turned 13 year old boy...I mentioned that they have a tropical ecology course in Costa Rica in the summers (one of his current passions) and he was all excited about it, and beginning a discourse on what that course of study would include, and suddenly he stopped in mid-sentence and said "oops, I feel a burp". yeap, there's a 7th grade boy for you!
I don't know...we could request accomodations for his disability, since he does have an iep, which I suppose we'd have to do, but it is so stigmatizing. the purpose of accomadations is to level the playing field.
decisions, decisions. hold him back to protect him from potential discouragement and cause him to miss what could be a great opportunity....or prepare to deal with the possible consequences and let him fly as high as he can go????? I truly dont' know at this point what is in his best interest.
oh yeah, forgot to mention, I'd really like to hear any thoughts anybody has out there...any educators????? anyone with a similar experience from my S's standpoint? what would you recommend?
Deb - Well, I'll take a stab at it, I've got three scary-smart kids myself. S18 did take that test when he was 12, but we never availed ourself of any of the programs because he was already (thankfully) in a special program for highly gifted kids in our school district (his classmates were world chess champions and concert pianists and the like). Still, the programs would have been great if he hadn't had that. And I wonder - do they base qualification on total score only, or would they make an exception for a kid who got a really high score in the verbal? You might ask the Johns Hopkins folks about that.
As for the math issue - do you have a handle on why he doesn't do well? Does he simply not understand the concepts? Or does he get poor grades because he won't show his work ? (Sometimes bright kids "intuit" the answers and can't, or won't, write down a bunch of steps that seem irrelevant to them). Is he missing some fundamental, like knowing his times tables? (They don't make them chant them the way the nuns did when I was in school).
Sometimes, too, I think we don't teach math in enough different ways - that is, all the teaching involves visual, 2D, book and chalkboard stuff. Really kinesthetic learners need manipulatives and real-world problems to solve. Computer games like Math Blaster can engage fidgety kids with attention problems.
As for whether he would have a problem emotionally with getting a low score - you know him best. I think it helps for them to know that this is a test for high-schoolers, and that he hasn't even had some of the math in school yet, so not to sweat it. Again, try to find out if a high verbal score alone would qualify him.
Cannot believe that all three of you are at the same office. I won't know how to react/act if I am in your sitch. It must be soooo d@mn hard to get to where you are now. I am really happy for you that things are really getting to where you want to, and you have given me hope and perserverance and strive to work towards saving my marriage. I have thought about it all, and I think I can accept all the downs of the roller-coasters for the teeny-weeny possibility of my M being saved. Sorry for waffling on and on...
I was really bad at math, even though I excelled in other areas. I think it was too abstract for me, and I'd get lost and never then get back on track with the class.
I finally did well at self-paced math in college - it got me up to speed quickly (I'd spend hours on one problem, and then understand the concepts and would breeze through the rest), and I'd get through the books in less than half a semester. If you can find something like that, it may help. him.
I have to remind myself constantly to be patient and not PUSH too hard. I have some ppl who tells me that although I don't want to sound too PUSHY, I should give subtle signals to H that I do want him back. On one hand, I am trying to NOT pursue and practice the LRT, but on the other hand, want to practise AS-IF. Those are two extremes... I am trying to find a middle ground.