thanks, YoYo, it's been a long hard road and I sometimes still have tough moments, but I think we're getting there
the night before last when H got kind of irritable again, when he made his comment about me leaving the door open and monster walking in, I very nearly became upset, I wanted so much to say "...yes, but, you hurt me too...." as I would have in the past, but i guess my hard-learned dbing lessons kicked in....I did say "I didnt understand, and I hope someday you can forgive me"....we were both 1/2 asleep by then, and h mumbled something, I think he mumbled "I already have"...something else I always wanted to hear.
yesterday, h had a hellish day at work. I was out of the office most of the day. I got 1 email from him about 1, in it he commented that he was "looking forward to the weekend and some snuggle time with my Deb"...he came by my office before heading home when he got off, and I told him I'd been thinking of him and ILY...and he commented, "well I didnt know it because I didnt hear from you all day"....and he sounded hurt, worried, disappointed, not sure which. I told him I was sorry, I'd been gone, guess I needed to put the out of office thing in my email. So, I'm thinking my inadvertantly going dark for a day may have been good.
I got home late evening from work, H and S were watching tv, H came into the kitchen to greet me. then he went back to his tv spot, and I went in to sit beside him. he reached his hand over and said "well I'm glad you're home"...I kissed him and told him i'd missed him.
At bed time I asked if I could snuggle him, and he said "sure, I'm needing my X (pet name he used to call me) so we snuggled and I went to sleep. h woke me up sometime later to ml, but he couldnt finish again. I hate that but I'm noticing a pattern here, it seems to occur more at night, I dont' think he's ever had a problem in the mornings.
This morning, somehow we got on the topic of going to our vacation spot over xmas. h said he didnt think we should because of money. I told him I wanted to...he was kind of adamant that we should stay home and try to get some bills caught up instead. he's right, of course, but it kinda bothers me that somehow this has something to do with monster. i asked him if it would bother him to be there and he said he didnt think so now, and asked why. I told him I just didnt want to see him hurting so again when we're there.
I have said nothing about monster for the last 2 days, although I remember h made some comment yesterday before work, don't recall what. I wonder if he notices that I've not brought it up?????? I do want to ask him if she's giving him crap here at work still, but have/am resisting.
one night last weekend as we got into bed, we were talking I think about the "bad old days" and how distant we were then...and H commented "you would have never done this then"...I was clueless what he meant, and asked, and he said "get into bed naked and hold me". sighhhhhhhhh...if only I had know then how far reaching the ramifications of such simple things are, I could have saved us all a huge amount of pain.
