thought I'd try to post an update...things are so hectic at work I hardly have time to post anymore...
I believe things are going well, I think we've probably become a "sucess story" as such, but I dont' think dbing is ever over....guess I learned that the hard way.
H is still warm and loving, for the most part more than he ever has been...I get emails everyday from him, at least once, with ILY...it is so nice. Last weekend he was still in his most recent "sex athon" mode. and things worked well. Then, we both seem to have gotten a bit of an intetinal "bug" of some sort, which really put the damper on things. My birthday was Sunday, and H gave me a really nice, sentimental, MUSHY card. The kind I used to get pre-a, and dispaired of ever getting again. I got teary-eyed every time I read it. He cheerfully took me out to eat at a new restaurant, although he did say he wasnt "much of a go out to eat" guy when I asked if he enjoyed it....but he used to "piss and moan" about it if I even asked.
Yesterday was an interesting day. Staff meeting. some idiots came up with the idea of doing some stupid "team building" activities. I got a bad feeling about this when I saw it in the newletter a week ago. just a really bad feeling. I even told H that one of us would end up on a team with monster. Sometimes it's hell to have esp. so, between the stomach bug and the anxiety about that, I really was sick. so I called in sick....
When H got home last night, I asked him how it went and who all was in his group.....yep....of course....monster. I guess the female co-worker in the out of town office came by the table at the beginning of the exercise and asked him if he'd gotten stuck with all the people he didnt want to be stuck with....which po'd monster because she hates this woman anyway. but, H said she was appropriate and didnt act like she was much happier about being there than he was. He did say maybe it was good, because he had the chance to look at her and think "oh well" and then to look at the other people at the table and think which ones were really his friends.
Then a long talk started about the sitch....lasted a couple of hours. H said that he is amazed at how his "old" friends at work are coming back, how different they act now. Evidently the secretary in monsters' dept even commented that he'd be a lot happier now...and H said he wasnt sure what they were talking about, but if it was what he thought, that yes, he would. how now he can chat with female coworkers who have been his friends for years (monster was so jealous and pitched such fits he was pretty isolated), and that it makes work so much more fun and he is so much more relaxed.
H said that monster was really angry at him for cheating on her with me....that last may in the infamous email-reading blow-up, one thing that set her off was that she had wanted him to meet her when she brought her D up for a party, and he said he had other plans, and when monster was reading our emails it became evident that his plans had been walking with me....guess she blew up over that one. and other things we did together....so interesting, she is mad at him for cheating on her. said that he had called her from work one tuesday in may around this time, and told her he wasnt leaving (he was supposed to go June 1) and she said "all right that's it".
We talked about how weird he was on vacation again this year, how he had been so loving just before and then suddenly become so distant...and that it had caught me off guard and frightened me. he said it had caught him off guard too, that he hadnt expected to be so caught up in the memories. that all the stores we went into they'd been in, that we walked by a rock where she'd written ILY, and by where she had made snow angels. and that is was still hard. I asked if we should not go back there, or stay in different kinds of cabins, and he said "no" that he didnt want to give so much power to such an a-s. I said something to the effect that it galls me that monster has no remorse what so ever for all the pain she's caused, and that I will always be put off by that. H said she doesnt, that she sees other women as competition. than he made a comment that "you left the door open and she walked in"...I told him most women wouldn't do that, only a "certain type".
Then H got irritated, said he didnt want to talk about it any more, that he was sick of talking about it, that he understood the anxiety but it just brought it all back up, that he was sick of coming home and talking about it. I was caught off guard, I honestly thought I was being helpful by listening, I didnt start this conversation...he did....and he didnt go walking because he was so caught up in talking. He told me if there was anything else I needed to know to ask then because he was sick of talkign about it and didnt want to do so again. I managed to stay calm, although I think I had a tear run down my cheek. Told him I was sorry he felt that way....and thanked him for his patience.
neither of us slept very well last night, but this morning before work, H talked about that she'd had a football jersey of his....so weird, HE brought this up...not me....I just said, "oh, I didnt know that"...Before leaving for work h said ILY, and that he was sorry for being so irritable the night before...that he knew my anxiety and need to talk was completely normal. He did make the comment "I tell you everything now"...and I told him I knew he did and that it does help...he said he's not always so sure. Still, this is weird, because I am NOT the one who starts conversations about monster for the most part. I get the feeling that he needs to talk.
H also told me that he talked alot about it with the female co-worker in the out of town office last spring and summer. and that she was very helpful. She's the one we got the yorkie from. I had an email from her this am that she was glad he got such a loving home, and I thanked her for letting us have him, and told her I understood she was helpful to H in a personal matter and thanked her for that as well, and she said "you're welcome for both, I think you guys are a neat couple"...
I've only had a couple of emails from H, but in one H said we are "good and getting better", and signed it "your D".
He keeps swearing to me over and over and over again that I have nothing to worry about. Oh yeah, last night in bed, he made the comment that "this is where I want to be, you can damn well bet that I wouldnt be here if I didnt want to"
His reassurance does help, I'm finally at long last becoming certain that yes, it's over, and yes, he's here to stay, and yes, we can make our M into a new, better version.
Sometimes though I still get hit by the enormity of the lies and the deceptions and the hurt comes to the surface and just kind of knocks me over for a while. tough to deal with. I'm not sure how to get past it...although really it's all pretty fresh, since really it just "ended" in august, the end of august even. Lord this has gone on for a long long time.
