Hi Being Me! I'm with you, I was struck by how similar the WAS's all are when I first came to the bb, and I never cease to this day to be amazed. It is like they are all reading from the same script. Just incredible. But I have to laugh, they all are convinced that their affair is SO SPECIAL!!!!! I told my H once that he would be shocked if he knew how same-ole, same-ole he sounded. sheeeeesh....
Quote: although I have a lot of trust issues still to deal with, and I think some anger, especially for the OW which I know is not good for me, and I should let it go. How have you dealt with that?
I still find myself dealing with all of those issues as well, although as H seems to truely have moved away from the A and has become so much more loving towards me, I am finding the trust easier and the anger to be less.
I'm not sure how well I deal with the anger, because I know there is some still beneath the surface. There was a time when I would have been tempted to physically vent my anger on the ow....I still feel very resentful when I think of all she put our family through....pure hell....and of all she stole from us....H's time and attention, our D's wedding in a very real sense, 5 vacations (only 1 she actually went with H on, but his mind was so much on her on the other 4 that he may as well have not been there) not to mention all the effort he put into "her"....attention to her D that S was longing for and not getting from his Dad, and on and on. So, yes, there's a lot of resentment and anger there under the surface, although it is much less than it used to be.... I find that not focusing on it helps me....focusing on the "good stuff" and what I am aiming for, both personally and R wise, helps a lot...I guess it's that "what you focus on expands" rule that's mentioned so much here.
Another thing that helps is reminding myself of what a pathetic excuse for a human being she is. she truely is....I would never ever want to be like her. I'm sure not all op's are scum, but this one is. She is sick. beyond sick. the only reason she's not in prison is she hasnt been caught...too slick so far. I don't know, I guess "considering the source" helps. Plus I take naughty gleeful satisfaction in knowing that she threw everything she had and more at H for 2 1/2 years, and in the end all it did was send him running home and turn him into a much more appreciative H.
Deb, Now is not the time to push for things. Listen to your instincts to wait. All things will be revealed to you when the time is right. If you push too hard right now, he will go right back into the hole and will not stick his head out again for a while. You need for him to continue to moving forward, not backward. Allow him more time and space for now.
Deb, this is the one place in the crisis that I caution people many times, to be patient, don't push and don't try to rush him along. I've seen so many people get to this stage and screw it up royally and end up losing a great deal of time, energy and yes, some even go for the divorce after this. Please listen to what your instincts are telling you. I would like to suggest that you read the threads by DebM (in the mlc forum). She was right where you are today and I posted and emailed her off the board and she managed to get through this stage and her life, marriage, etc. are now in tact. The same is happening w/ What's Next on the mlc forum.
The only saying "a watched pot never boils" applies here. Patience and faith are what you need to dig a bit deeper for at this time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
thanks Snodderly, I know you are right about not pushing, something tells me "not quite yet" and so I hold back and try to be patient and "sit on my hands"....
I want him to really get into getting some things straightend up at home, yard work painting, etc, but I dont' make an issue or even bring it up, I just do what I can, and tell him how much I appreciate what he does do and how nice it looks. Sometimes he mentions all the stuff he did at monsters house, and it's hard not to be irked...Geez, he was down there working his tail off and our place needs so much "touching up" done. when he mentions it, I just say something like "you must have been really tired from working so hard" and let it go.
I want to go to marriage encounter....I havent said a word.just read the notices about it in the church bulletin in front of him. I know he read/noticed them from his comment about our marriage having an "awakening"....
I want to go visit our daughter....3 states away...we've never visited her. at one time way back I mentioned it, he was grumpy about it, so I dropped it and havent brought it up again.
I want us to make a point of scheduling some weekends away for ourselves, but I havent said a word about it...he has mentioned going to an historical hotel we spent an anniversary at years ago, he commented it would be nice, and I did say it would be and I would really like to do that sometime....then let it drop.
I want to have a regular 'date night", but early in the summer right after the "breakup" I pushed a teeny bit and got a lot of resistance, so I dropped it. havent brought it up since, but it would sure be nice to get out of the house together! it is still a challenge to get him to leave the house...but I just let him be. I did get an email from him that the coworkers from out of town are wanting to go canoeing and saying that WE should check our calendars to find a time when WE can do that ....I emailed back that it sounded like fun and the weather was great now for it....so we shall see.
I don't know if you read what I posted on the mlc thread about the little dog or not, but H talked and talked about it last night, talked himself into it and talked himself out of it. and then did it all over again several times. I told him it was up to him, that I would be ok with whatever he decided (secretly hoping he'd get it)...well, this morning before he left for work, as he started down the stairs, he asked again what I thought. i reiterated it was up to him, and he said if it wasnt for the money he wouldnt even hesitate. I told him if that was all it was, then he should get it, because I knew he'd always liked him. Then, get this---I swear--he skipped down the last couple of steps like a little kid, said "OK THANKS!" and SOUNDED like a little kid. I had an 8 o'clock committee meeting with the little dogs current owner, who said "I hear you're taking my baby"...so h had caught her 1st thing when he got to work to tell her... Is this significant that he is so attached to this tiny dog? H seems so excited about it. just kind of out of character for him. Although he keeps telling me how neat and smart he is, like a tiny little live teddy bear.
By the way, anybody have any experience with yorkies? We've always had hunting and herding dogs --and strays people dumped.
I know it's silly and idealistic, but i have a computer file with every email I've ever gotten from H.....I was just moving some into that file and started reading some, and I noticed that back as recently as July, there werent nearly as many mushy ones. I probably never wrote it here, but that was a goal I kinda had, to get some emails that at least approached the mush I read he sent to monster. Now every day I get at least one that says ILY...which seems more sincere than the flowery stuff.
So, another tiny goal met!!!!! I'm gonna allow myself a
Of course the important question is, what did I do to bring this about....hmmmm, I guess that I started very slowly and in itty bitty bits and bites sending him tiny bits of "mush" and flirts and come-ons. Evidently they work. I do recall being scared to death to do it, but decided to try a little and see what happened.
Theres a lesson here I need to take note of. Tough to do without "pressuring", though
Last night I got home a little after 8...H was watching TV when I came into the house, he got up, came into the kitchen where I'd "landed" and started "chatting", we wound up just standing in the kitchen and talking for 2 hours!
H was actually happy and excited last night. He wants to have a canoe trip/cookout with his coworkers in the out of town office, AND he wants to host a christmas party for that group! wow. this is a change of attitude.
He mentioned wishing he had a fire place in his office...I pursued that, he snickered..."well, I can't put one in there"...I told him no, but you could have an electric heater, and they make them that look just like a fireplace. Showed him a pic of one, and he started getting so excited, saying how cool it would be and he knew exactly where to put one, and that it would be such a good thing for counseling sessions with some clients, that it would be so relaxing to just pull up chairs and talk by the fire instead of in such a formal setting, that he thought kids would benefit as well as adults. So, that will be a project now....I wish I could find one as nice as what I'm thinking of for a little less $.
Then H said I needed to come over and help him arrange his office, said "you've never even seen my office, have you?" told him, nope, I havent....that's always been a point of sadness, i know monster's been there. one of my other "unwritten" goals has been to get to go to his office....anyway, he commented that we'll have to go over and rearrange it some weekend, and how neat and fun that would be!!!!!! Told him I'd love to...
Then he told me that he'd gotten our family pics hung up, and they look great, even the female co-worker told him how nice they were. Said he's still trying to find the right spot for the collage D made for him, but he's looking! after 5 years.
He woke me up about 2 in the morning to ML, then had trouble finishing...not sure what to think of that, hopefully being tired and 1/2 asleep? I remember him commenting afterwards though something about having put my picture up in his office....thought that was kind of odd, but just said "thanks, that does mean a lot"...
I don't know, seems like progress, but again I still have to work so hard on being patient and not pushing.
It would be so nice for him to have his office more pleasant though, I'm thinking that's a "gift" and "AOS" I could give him, now that it seems like he'll let me!
oh, yeah, The little yorkie will be delivered to our house at about 5 tonight. H is so excited, he is like a kid. this is amazing we have numerous other dogs, and not so long ago H was ranting and raving about having too many damn animals and that that was one more in the long list of reasons why he needed to leave for ow. He used to yell and scream about wanting to get rid of the critters we have, everything....the dogs, the cats, the horses, S's lizards...now he talks so excitedly about this pup, and how smart and cute and lovable it is. It just amazes me.
Thank God I had the presence of mind to go along with it, and even give my blessing. I have a strong sense that it would have caused problems if i had objected. Good thing I'm a critter person.
deb, Not only your h, but you and your family will adore the little Yorkie. They are so adorable! I know someone who has one and they named theirs "hero". What a cute little bundle of fur. Did your h have a dog when he was a child? Maybe he needs something that he thinks will provide unconditional love w/o expecting something in return? It's just food for thought, as I know you are there for him.
About your list of I wants. You are going to have to put some of those on the back burner for a while and ease them in slowly but surely. Yes, you want to do all of those things, but he's just barely waking up. He's still fragile in more ways than one and you are going to have to treat him as a you would a baby just learning to walk. He's feeling is way along and you must be patient.
I hate to say this, but DebM's h got a dog too when he was close to waking up. Then they got two and it quite interestly when the dogs moved home first and then he followed. It's all about reconnecting in a different way w/him. He wants you to understand that he needs to have "things" in his life too. He wants you to take an interest in what is interesting to him. That even means walking the pup. So, get those walking shoes out because you are going to be spending some quality time on the trails walking the pup w/him. It's all part of the bigger picture that is unfolding for you.
BTW, DebM is to be typed exactly as I have typed it. This is her display name and her threads are located on the MLC forum. Do a search and follow the drop down boxes. At the bottom you want all posts and then change the 25 to 150. You'll find her then. I just went there and boy did it bring back memories. We walked her path a long time ago.
Take care and keep the faith and patience handy. Good luck w/the pup.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Deb - enjoy the pup. My H really bonded with the kitten we got my D about a year or so after his affair. He's always liked animals, but I can see how his chronic depression got in the way of him bonding with our German Shepherd (now 10) even though he LOVES German Shepherds. He's a fool for the cat now, though, and much sweeter to the dog.
I read somewhere that stroking a furry animal raises dopamine levels in the brain - I really believe the kitten contributed to my D's recovery from her anorexia/bulimia/depression. Hopefully this puppy wil give your H a similar boost (Plus - isn't it nice to think of OW being replaced by a DOG?
Thanks dfb and everybody....I've been so busy i havent even had time to post, but wanted to take a minute to update.
Things are going very well w/H, but I still see tidbits of mlc popping up, which worry me sometimes, but I try to just focus on doing what I know needs to be done and works and keeping on making things so GREAT that he couldnt want to be anywhere else. trying to anyway !
the little yorkie is great...H loves him like a baby, this is so weird, because he has always had disdain for "yapper" dogs, liked hunting dogs, and the last few years has ranted and raved that we have TOO DAMN MANY ANIMALS. But the yorkie obviously adoped H long ago when he first met him at the office, and the feeling is mutual. the dog literally "dances" with excitement when h comes in the door. I told him "no" once, and he ran and jumped into H's lap, it was so funny. The pup does the funniest thing, when he wants you to pet him or rub his ears, he will actually stand on his hind legs and rub his face and ears with his front paws.
Last Saturday, H went on a 1/2 day canoe trip with his dad, S, and 2 nephews. This used to be a regular event, but H has refused, sullenly, to do it for the last 3 or 4 years. this year, he was pleasant and actually did it...I helped haul canoes, and H thanked me as they finished unloading for my help, and actually gave me a NICE passionate kiss right there in front of God, his dad, and every body.
When they got back, H took his dad downstairs to show him his new weights, and his dad commented that he needed to be careful but to do it now because "you're 50 now"...I wanted to tape his mouth shut. later that day, I was naughty and said "I thought about telling your dad you may be 50 but you can like a kid"...and H had such a look of "naughty boy" delight...still teenagerish.
He's kind of been having another "sexathon" this week, initiated ml last Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. ??????????? after about 2 weeks of not much???????? weird. Friday and Saturday, he had trouble "finishing"....Saturday and Sunday I had another "duh" moment and figured out that there are some things I can do to effect that....
yesterday, I took vacation and Wednesday night S and I and H went out of town and stayed at a hotel we've used to stay at a lot years ago while h attended a professional continuing ed conference. H asked us to go....in the night, H initiated ml again, with no problems..... He mentioned several times how nice it was to have us with him, we were by the pool when he had a break and he came and spent it talking with us (wouldnt have had too, we had no idea of his schedule, and were paying no attention)...We had a table reserved for his lunch break and had arranged for the food to be delivered when he walked in, and he was thrilled with that...after we ate, we sat by the pool and chatted for the rest of his break...again, he wouldnt have had to do that.
He mentioned telling a person at the conference that he'd been married 26 years, and some of the stuff we've done in our life together.
He is talking about coaching me in workouts....something else i never thought he'd do...ever...so that will be nice if we get that going. It'll help me with losing weight and getting in shape.
Oh, along that line...monday night he asked if I wanted to walk with him, i said sure, and he asked S....we all three went, and H was actually excited, talking about "a family walk"...I thanked him several times for the invite and said how much i enjoyed it, as did S, and he agreed, said we'd need to do it more often.
gotta go, I hope to catch up with some of you all next week. Hopefully things will continue on an even keel this weekend.
(Plus - isn't it nice to think of OW being replaced by a DOG? 
like a kid"...and H had such a look of "naughty boy" delight...still teenagerish.