Thanks Mollie and Phoenix...I'm humbled that my "saga" is inspiring to you. I tell you, this has been one long hard tough white-knuckling ride. I can hardly believe the light is finally at the end of the tunnel. But I do believe it is. Honestly if my sitch can turn around, there is hope for a lot of sitchs. It has taken 2 1/2 years, and it seemed so hopeless for so long. H even said he was 100% sure he was leaving. I know looking back that his mind was made up before I ever found out about the affair. He was so cold and distant and hateful. it was obvious that he hated being around me...he had shut himself off from the kids, family, everyone. He was gone in spirit and in mind, just waiting for an excuse to take his body away.
If someone had told me then that I would ever get to have the husband I have today, I would have never believed it was possible. We still have a ways to go before I get all I want...but I seems it may be possible.
Frankly, H is more romantic and demonstrative and loving than he ever was in the whole time I've known him. He holds me, brings me coffee, tells me how much he loves me. I find it still kind of hard to relax and enjoy, but he really does seem to be more "stable" and "settled" and at peace. Its hard to describe. But it's very obvious.
Here's a clincher, I guess: he took the pictures to his office today. the snapshot collage D put together for him 5 years ago, and the family photos. For the last year, I've told myself that would be one guage of when things were truely "there". I talked with D23 on the phone last night...told her about the photos, and she sighed and said "is he taking the ones I fixed for him"...when I told her yes, her comment was "mom, the pictures ARE big!"
I know there are reasons to be concerned after his suicidal gestures...and I havent dicounted them, I'm watching carefully, but he seems SO much better emotionally, it's incredible. He is better than he has been in years. many years. and it seems to be down to his "core". I know that makes no sense.
I hope he is out of the tunnel now for good. I feel like he must be. He is truely like a different person, a much better man than he was before.
There are still issues, he's still frustrated at work, but somehow he has a different perspective on it.
One thing I NEVER thought would happen is that he sees, finally after all this time, monster as she really is. Honestly it's like somebody took a blindfold off of him. I believe his despair the night he had such a "melt down" was from that reality hitting him smack in the face.
I never in all my wildest dreams would have believed I could have H walk in the door from work and pull me into his arms and kiss me and hold me. NEVER would I have dreamed that. I always wanted it, but he was "just not that kind of guy". It is such an incredible gift. and I tell him that often. Never again will I take him so for granted.
I'm blabbering, probably none of it makes sense. But I believe that finally, after years of pain, my H is back and better than ever. I keep asking myself "how do you know?" and the answer is elusive, but somehow he is just so totally different. His face even looks different. his skin tone is even different...he is sleeping soundly, he is not sick to his stomach, he is not irritable, his brow isn't furrowed. sometimes he whistles. he laughs. he is starting to tease me again. Maybe one of the biggest things is that he talks openly about monster, and the emotion is gone when he does.
He also talked this morning about that he has set and is enforcing boundaries with her regarding their professional interaction...that there is to be no personal interaction at all, that he will not respond to inappropriately intrusive work-related questions, and now evidently he cc's EVERY reply to any work related emails to her supervisor...he is determined to make sure she has no "ammo", which evidently she does, always complains about how mean everyone is to her, from coworkers to clients.
so, anyway, gang, there is hope even in really tough sitchs. It takes a long long long time and a lot of pain and angst and patience and prayer. And stubborness
