More bits and pieces... a week ago, H make several comments that have stuck in my mind...not sure why, but guess I'll jot them for future reference... He commented that at one point he told monster she'd caused such grief and havoc in his life there was nothing more she could do (ulp, wrong kind of challenge to lay out to her), that he said "what are you going to do, tell my wife?" and then asked her "so how about if I tell your mother?" and she got upset...more high school goings on...
that same weekend I was gone several hours getting garden supplies (it is really shaping up nicely!) and H commented "your garden takes all your time and money and there's nothing left for me"...I didnt take it too seriously, but I don't want to completely dismiss it. more mlc stuff, I wonder, kinda sounds like a little kid. In fact I remember D making a similar comment about my horse when she was about 5....
last Tuesday night, H was kinda "grumpy" after his long day...I just stayed kind of backed off. When we went to bed, I gave him space, literally. Out of the dark he asked "why arent you holding me?" I said "I thought maybe you would prefer I didnt tonight", and he said "you always ask and I never turn you down", so I snuggled up and held him. later in the night, he said "hold me, I had a bad dream"...sounded like a little kid again. but I held him.
Monday, we worked on putting together his weight cage (been a long time coming) and while we were doing it, H said "this year we're gonna have a great christmas, we're going to decorate to the 9's and the whole bit, no more of this last minute stuff"; I asked if that meant he wanted to decorate right after thanks giving, and he said "yes" quite emphatically. S was there and gave that plan a thumbs up. I think this may be significant, as the last 2 years have been so sad, I did all the decorating myself 1/2 heartedly, H had NO interest, and frankly I barely got the tree up by christmas eve. I would love for it to be different because H WANTS it to be different.
H also commented that "for a long long time I thought things would go back to the way they were. I thought you were just scared and couldnt believe you really did want me. That when you got past being scared things would go back, but then I saw after a long time that they didnt...... Wow, that sounds like a page out of DR...EXACTLY what the book says, right down to the LONG TIME part of it. BIG important lesson there. He also said he had been 100% sure that he was leaving, and then he was so caught off guard by my response that he decided to take another look and think again, and then I started changing and things started getting better between us really fast....and then they got better and better between us and HORRIBLE to the point of making him sick between him and monster. And then he began to think "what the hell am I doing?" but he felt so guilty it was hard to get out.
H commented also about this time, once when we were ML or just had, that I should "vamp it up a little" with dark eyes, etc.. Lesson there about excitement in the bedroom? I think so.
Oh, here are my butterflies again, I just got this little email from him:
Quote: Thanks Deb; Actually we are making it through, but everyone is coming in so it’s been really busy again. I’m looking forward to getting home and seeing my sweet heart!! See ya soon Your D
I'd sent him a short one at lunch just saying I hoped he'd had a good day....not heard back until now. Am I setting myself up for a BIG fall if I allow myself to believe we've made it???? not that dbing is ever done, I've learned that for sure.
2 weeks ago I had a horrible dream, that I was being sucked out into outer space, just dark and cold nothingness pulling me down, and I was so sad, overwhelmed by sadness. I woke up crying and asked H to hold me, (ok, we both sound like a couple of kids) and he did, and was very very sweet, telling me I had nothing to worry about. He held me and talked to me for a couple of hours. bad thing is I was so out of it from sleep, I don't remember much of what was said. I do recall it was very reassuring. The next morning, H came to me out of the blue and put his arms around me and said "ILY Deb"...and I told him how much it means to hear that, and that I was sorry for waking him and keeping him up so much in the middle of the night. he said "It's ok, if a few hours of lost sleep is what it takes for you to feel better, it's not a problem. We had an important talk, and I'm glad we had it". In the past, H would blow sky high if I woke him up. This is a HUGE change. I just wish I could recall what we talked about. He also said "I know I have a lot of work to do and I intend to do it"....
He talked about how "bonded" we are and always have been. Weird...I read emails from monster to him saying the exact same thing many months ago. AND, this is the guy who said we got married too fast and things had never been good and we should have never gotten married.
That same day, in passing at home, he smiled at me and said "you're the one" out of the blue....
We had a long discussion about the dynamics of the A and why it lasted so long, and he said he got to the point where he was terrified of "losing us" but that it hurt so terribly to be so hurtful (to monster) that he felt eaten up by guilt, and kept worrying about her, and that is was so hard to be so mean that he kept letting himself go back, he would feel responsible and worry about her and check to see how she was doing and then get sucked back in. He said "it was like having to shoo a little kid away from something bad for them for their own good", meaning having to "shoo" monster away, and not being able to bring himself to do it.
He also said part of what made it so hard the day he 'fell apart" was having his "nose rubbed in it" and seeing what a fool he had been....
and so, here we are. I am so scared to let myself breathe a sigh of relief, but I think i'm about to. I do believe the damnable A is finally, finally over. H just doesnt have the "softness" emotionally that he used to when he talks about monster. I think there may be some twinges of mlc still lingering....
Now it the time to up the "good stuff" even more, I believe.
