I havent really posted for several weeks, wanted to try to catch up so I can recall "events" and reflect to keep moving forward. It's been about 3 weeks since H's "emotional melt down" over ow's dating. As I look back I believe that must have been a sort of "final shutting of the door" for him in some way. I believe he's come quite a long way since then...I'm still watching him closely though, and have arranged for our PCP to send him a letter as a reminder that it's past time for his physical (then she can bring up AD's)...not sure what else I can to, I feel like too much direct pressure at this time would be counter productive.
Guess I'll start with an update from this weekend and work backwards. Things were quiet but busy this weekend, no paperwork, which has been all most 4 months now, and no 4 -5 hour sunday morning "walks", thank the lord. H "gritched" about having to still spend all day Saturday mowing, but that's pretty normal, h is tired of so much mowing (but doesnt want to hire someone or teach S, so whatever, an area to let him be the boss in) Friday morninng before I left for work, H initiated a fun "quickie"...no other ML all weekend, but he's been "ok" in other ways, so I've not been too anxious about it, although he's been a teeny bit less "romantic" or more distant the last 3 or 4 days. I've tried to remind myself of the Mars/Venus info about "cave time" and let him go and not worry about it. Then, Weirdly, I went to work out Friday evening and then to the store and wound up being gone for about 3 1/2 hours...when I got home, H was visibly "weird" and said "I didnt think you would ever get back" (although maybe it was just because I'd promised I'd pick him up some beer) and S told me he had been looking out the window several times while i was gone.
Nothing much Saturday. Yesterday, Sunday, H was watching football in the afternoon, I had supper in the oven and went in....Sat on the love seat next to his chair, then moved to the sofa and put my feet up...H said "arent you going to sit over here by me?"...I was surprised...H said "well I love you and I thought maybe you would come sit by me"...so I did, no big deal, I actually went over and kissed his forehead, sat beside him and took his hand and told him I loved him very much and loved to spend time with him, and that it means a lot to hear him say ILY. H held my hand and squeezed it... Last night in bed he snuggled up to me before I snuggled him, and kissed the back of my neck and my shoulders and said how much he loved me. He asked if I thought our marriage was having an "awakening"...in the church bulletin, there was a write up about Retrovaille (which I'd love to go to) mentioing the 4 stages of marriage...Infatuation, Disillusionment, Misery, and Awakening. I told him I thought so, that I'd thought of us when I read that as well, and we'd sure been through all the rest. I asked him if he'd been 100% sure he was leaving for ow at one point, if there must have still been some part of him that didnt want to because he didnt, and he kept hanging around, he never left. H said that was true, that he had always wanted me to want him but he didnt think I did. that he thought I just was "done" with him and didnt know how to "end it" or "get away from me"...so he was just going to do it with someone he thought did want him. I told him I always wanted him and "us", but thought he didnt and "gave up"...that I was very sad and lonely at the time...H said "I think you realized you wanted me when you almost lost me"...I told him no, I had always wanted him but had given up, just decided to stand and fight rather than fold. H said he was thankful that I did. I told him there'd been so many times when I was full of doubt, and really disgusted with myself as I sometimes saw myself as a sad-eyed pitiful "puppy" mournfully trotting after him. H said "no, you were'nt, you were incredibly strong and courageous. You've been a rock through this whole thing.
I wound up getting tearful thinking of how sad each of us was thinking the other didnt care or want us, and how we were wandering down seperate paths in our misery, and we very nearly wound up apart with neither of us wanting that. I wondered how many other people that happens to. H held me, and said I have nothing to worry about.
I was thinkingn nothing much happened this weekend, but now as I type it occurs to me that maybe this was a pretty important conversation.
