I don't know how much of this is pyscho-babble and I don't know how much of this is applicable to your H, but you managed to trigger off something I recently read on Tambos thread on MLC. Perhaps you should check it out.
Whether it is MLC or something else, it does seem as if DBing works, so if it works, I guess we just keep at it - as long as we have the strength anyway.
I just keep thinking of the aliens inside Hs head making him say words and do things MY H would not do... And I keep hoping and waiting for H to regain control of his mind
Kismet and Wannabe - Thanks for your thoughts but now I will add another dip to this god for saken rollercoaster.
H just dropped into my work and was chatting and he tells me that he didn't really mean what he said Sunday it was just that he felt pressured and put on the spot but was happy with the way things were going and was happy to just see what happens as he really doesn't know where he is headed.
I just looked at him and shook my head and said "Why didn't you just say that on Sunday and he said b/c he couldn't think straight. I looked at him and said you are a $hit. He said why and I said b/c as much as it hurt me to think our M had no hope after 12yrs I was starting to think along those lines and now I don't know what to think. He said I know I am sorry but I just don't know what I want. I said to him one thing still bothers me about Sunday and he asked what that was and I said the fact that he still blames me for everything and doesn't want to accept any blame at all. He said he does accept blame and I said well that's good to know b/c I know it wasn't all just me.
He then went on to say he regrets how much work we both put in to our M to have it like this and I agreed with him and said that is I feel that way too but that it was harder to accept that he was totally closed to the idea of maybe working on it in the future and he said No I am not closed to that I just don't know what I want in any area of my life at the moment but I am not happy with thinking there is absolutely nothing either.
Anyhow this was a bit more of this banter along the same lines and in the end he said you got impatient again and I said after 9 months I think it is fair to say that I have had alot of patience. He said yeah when you put it like that I suppose you have. Anyhow I just said well you have a lot of working out to do and I need to get back to work. He said yeah O.K. I will see you Thursday as he is working for us Thursday and Friday.
So all of you can take from this whatever you like, I know that the door is not closed but he is right that I am impatient so i think I will just do what I have been doing and that is to detach as much as possible and if he EVER decides he wants to make a go of it I will have to see where I am. He manages to catch me on his hook every time doesn't he.
It does show though that even when you think it is over and that you need to move on for yourself that the DB principles do indeed work as this shows. So all they say is true but we just get off the track sometimes and maybe the keyword here is patience.
So again I guess I have hope but I cannot live my life as though it is going to happen and if I can just get that through my thick skull and live for me and not consider him then I think I will be truly DBing and the outcome maybe wont matter so much. I should be the one with the nickname YOYO. This is the wildest ride I have ever been on and I dont even remember buying the season ticket, but I would say this ride is nowhere near over. Back to re-read that book I think.....KDU
Hang on sista! For this exciting roller coaster ride!!!
Their attitude is sooooo predictable in a way, isn't it? The moment you want to end it all, they come running back. But if you run after them, they run even faster away....
Girly I'm so sorry that your H is still playing head games, still being wishy washy, and still trying to drag you back into it all.
All those reasons he listed for leaving is a bunch of hoo-ha, you know that dont you? Your doing a good job of keeping your head above it all and yes you are strong......just realizing and accepting things for what they are proves that. And it will still hurt, but as you know it gets better.
KDU - I've told you a million times how similar our sitches are and trust me - your H is NOT happy in his current sitch and he knows itm, he just doesnt want to admit it, he'd rather flit around and string you along. I want you to know that it will all come full circle for you and your H will be standing in a line! My STBX is now doing the same things to her that he did to me????? now if he were truly as happy as he said he wouldnt bother calling me, stopping by unexpectantly, leaving messages and wanting to see me - too bad he's a day late and a dollar short.......he has nothing to his name...nothing. Everything he has is HERS.....loser!
So again I guess I have hope but I cannot live my life as though it is going to happen and if I can just get that through my thick skull and live for me and not consider him then I think I will be truly DBing and the outcome maybe wont matter so much.
All right Kim, I've got some advice for you, but you won't hurt my feelings if you tell me to go piss up a rope after you read it.
Go on a date.
A real date, not with your buddy Jarrod (unless that is a real date and you've been holding out on us...). You don't have to close any doors on H, you don't have to jump in hot and heavy with the next guy who asks you out (though it works for some people and there's nothing wrong with that!). Just go on a date. And then go on another date. Doesn't have to be with the same guy.
I think that would be great for you and you deserve to feel great. I think it'll affect H. If it does maybe he's not at a place in his life where the two of you are ready to work on your M. So I don't think this is a thing you would do to try to get a reaction from him.
I'll bet if you start dating occasionally, you'll feel better about being just friends with H. You won't worry about your R with him and you won't worry as much about what he's doing in his spare time. Maybe that'll help you work on a friendship with him that can lead to something down the road when he's sorted himself a bit. Maybe it'll lead to not caring when or if he gets himself sorted.
But I just don't see the downside for you right now. I know getting a date isn't quite as easy as falling off a log but I don't think you'll have too much trouble if you allow yourself to start moving in that direction. And you're just looking to have fun so you don't have to search for Mr. Perfect.
Whaddaya think? Good idea or am I off my rocker?
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
KDU-Listen to what BB is saying. I think that is an excellent idea. Once you start going out socializing more often with people this takes your mind off H. I've started doing this since July and it has done wonders for me. There is a fake GAL that we want WAS to see that we've moved on, and then there's the real GAL where it really doesn't matter if WAS sees it or not, but it does make you feel good.
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
Funny, that BB mentioned this. I think it might be just what the doctor ordered. A little life outside all this drama. I was thinking of doing the same thing...chicken !@#$ that I am though doubt I will.
Why do they play these mind !@$% games with us? They don't want us, they want to be friends, they no longer love us and yet the minute...the very minute we show any signs of moving on POOF righ back into our hearts they come. It's just plain hateful if you ask me. Sorry, it just is...we're only human, we have hearts and they just KNOW how to pull on our little heart strings to get us right back where they want us.
I say just think about the dating thing...it would be a lovely reason to go for a new outfit, get all spritzed up and have a good time!! Have someone lavish THEIR undivided attention on YOU...and then come back and tell us all...
