Kismet and Wannabe - Thanks for your thoughts but now I will add another dip to this god for saken rollercoaster.
H just dropped into my work and was chatting and he tells me that he didn't really mean what he said Sunday it was just that he felt pressured and put on the spot but was happy with the way things were going and was happy to just see what happens as he really doesn't know where he is headed.
I just looked at him and shook my head and said "Why didn't you just say that on Sunday and he said b/c he couldn't think straight. I looked at him and said you are a $hit. He said why and I said b/c as much as it hurt me to think our M had no hope after 12yrs I was starting to think along those lines and now I don't know what to think. He said I know I am sorry but I just don't know what I want. I said to him one thing still bothers me about Sunday and he asked what that was and I said the fact that he still blames me for everything and doesn't want to accept any blame at all. He said he does accept blame and I said well that's good to know b/c I know it wasn't all just me.
He then went on to say he regrets how much work we both put in to our M to have it like this and I agreed with him and said that is I feel that way too but that it was harder to accept that he was totally closed to the idea of maybe working on it in the future and he said No I am not closed to that I just don't know what I want in any area of my life at the moment but I am not happy with thinking there is absolutely nothing either.
Anyhow this was a bit more of this banter along the same lines and in the end he said you got impatient again and I said after 9 months I think it is fair to say that I have had alot of patience. He said yeah when you put it like that I suppose you have. Anyhow I just said well you have a lot of working out to do and I need to get back to work. He said yeah O.K. I will see you Thursday as he is working for us Thursday and Friday.
So all of you can take from this whatever you like, I know that the door is not closed but he is right that I am impatient so i think I will just do what I have been doing and that is to detach as much as possible and if he EVER decides he wants to make a go of it I will have to see where I am. He manages to catch me on his hook every time doesn't he.
It does show though that even when you think it is over and that you need to move on for yourself that the DB principles do indeed work as this shows. So all they say is true but we just get off the track sometimes and maybe the keyword here is patience.
So again I guess I have hope but I cannot live my life as though it is going to happen and if I can just get that through my thick skull and live for me and not consider him then I think I will be truly DBing and the outcome maybe wont matter so much. I should be the one with the nickname YOYO. This is the wildest ride I have ever been on and I dont even remember buying the season ticket, but I would say this ride is nowhere near over. Back to re-read that book I think.....KDU
