(((((KDU)))) I am soooo sorry to hear about your sitch. For awhile, things did look to be bright. Perhaps, H felt that you were PUSHING/PURSUING with that line of questioning because you would still have a torch for him to ask that kind of question. I think if you were to lay-off and "date", I am sure your H would react differently. Unless, you are sooo tired of this roller-coaster ride that you really want to hop off and not go on it ever again.
You have been doing so well for so long... This must sound as if all the effort was for nothing...
There are three things I would like you to consider: 1. Are you ready to move on? Do you think this R can't be salvaged and YOU don't want to work at it any more? 2. If your H is anything like most of the WAS's here - just becuase this is the way he says he feels now, doesn't mean he will always feel this way. 3. As for H blaming you for everything - isn't that typical WAS behaviour?
I have seen a lot of positives in your sitch, especially over the past month. In fact, one month ago, I don't think you would have had this conversation with H, because you would have already known what he would say. In this case, I would say that the fact that you needed to ask that was actually a baby step forward.
I'm so sorry that you had to hear such nasty things. You really don't deserve them. You are such a kind and spirited person, and to me every single thing on his list of complaints could have simply read "I'm insecure". He's dealing with a lot of self-esteem issues and you cannot fix that for him.
You handled it really well and should be proud of yourself. He's speaking in absolutes because he has to convince himself. It sounds like as he changes women, he's running out of people to blame, so he's gone back to blaming you. One of these days he's going to have to stop pointing fingers.
((((KDU)))) Sorry to hear about your sitch. I believe your H is still dealing with a lot of sh!t with OW and her drama. I think he blamed all those things on you, which may have led to the A with OW, and now that OW is threatening suicide he may not want to deal with that guilt that he is now putting her through. In his mind it sounds easier to deal with b/c "If Kim hadn't done all those things in our M, then I wouldn't have hooked up with OW and OW wouldn't be going through this." That's just my 2 cents and I may be way off base.
If you really want to salvage your M, I would give H time to deal with OW's drama and see what goes from there.
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
Kim, honey I am sorry that you had to hear that from H. But take what he said with a grain of salt. He sounds as though he is not in a very good place right now, and he lashed out to you where he knew it would hurt.
I noticed that it was all due to you. All of the reasons for your breakup were because of things that you did. Not once did he accept any responsibility. The boy is spouting b/s.
Nearly all of his statements were about how you made him feel. Now I am not a psychologist, but I know no one can make you feel inferior unless you let them. It sounds like he needs to work on himself before he can truly love someone else as they should be loved.
It is said realising that your M has come to this. ( I think I am here also although haven't had that talk yet). But the positives are that now it is your time.
I know you will be loved again. You are loved right now. Maybe H will grow up and wake up to himself. Maybe not. But you take care of yourself and live your life to the fullest. OK.
As an aside I was reading in the Women's Weekly (as you do when you have a life ) about Gaby Kennard that lady that sailed around the world solo. Apparently she was separated from her H at the time and they have since reconciled. So it does happen. I guess if it is meant to be it will be.
Plenty of other fish in the sea. Just need to use the right bait. (and throw them back if they are undersize)
With my H the fact that we all thought we were seeing positive signs from him awhile ago, I now wonder if that is b/c that is what we all wanted to see. If H had no intentions of ever wanting to make it work with me as he says the damage has been done, then he maybe truly just saw it all as me moving on finally and that I was quite fine to be just friends as he wants it.
I probably shocked him by saying what I did at the weekend but you know what I think I knew this was the case and as much as I didn't want to believe it, I needed to hear that there was no chance in his eyes. I dont want to keep deluding myself and this is very hard to take b/c deep down I hoped he would awake from the fog and realise that I was truly his one great love and he would be better off with me. Now that is not going to happen and I have to accept that in order to move on for me.
As I said I think I knew this and this was just the final stage I had to go through before I could move on to Phase 2, "Looking after me" (Putting myself first instead of H).
It may sound like I am very focused and strong but I am not really, I am facing facts but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt like hell. I don't think I am as strong as a lot of you who seem to be fine with being friends or buddies with your Ex's, that will hurt me to much to be friends as how do you stay friends with someone who has hurt you so much? I would find it too hard and every time I saw him it would remind me of what I cannot have, so I can't see how we can be friends. I will be civil but that is all at the moment.
The less I see him the better I will be able to move on and detach properly as I was finding it alot easier before and this time I have to do it, to truly cast him aside. I know I can do better and I know as long as he blames me for everything and can't see he is to blame as well we would never work it out. Will keep you updated...KDU
Well didn't expect to updating this quick but H just rang me, which I certainly didn't expect. He was ringing to see how I was feeling, which I said yeah not too bad and I said are you still pi$$ed at me for Sunday's conversation and he said No I can never be pi$$ed at you, and I said why not and he said I just can't......WTF work that out I can't.......Anyhow he then went on to say that he had an altercation at work with his boss, apparently his boss said he was arrogant and a know it all (Now this is not something I would have called H pre-bomb but it is who he is now). Anyhow H took offence to this and basically told him to stick his job and walked out (after 11 1/2 yrs). His boss followed him and apologised and talked him into staying and said he would speak to him later.
H then asked me if I thought he was arrogant and a know it all and I said well I wouldn't have said that once as you never used to be but over the last few months you have changed, I don't know that I would use those words but I would say your attitude has changed. H said Have I changed that much and I said yeah you have but I am not saying whether that is good or bad as that is for you to work out and H said well people and situations have made it that I have had to change. I just said, Well if that's what you feel and you are comfortable with who you are then that's all that matters. H said he wasn't very sure about much at the moment. I said Oh well nobody said life was easy. H said ain't that the truth....Anyhow we waffled on about the kids a bit and then the conversation ended....
So I don't know what to make of that.....It seems when you close a door they have to stick their foot in it and keep it open. I wouldn't necessarily say this is a positive, but the moment something goes wrong for him he comes running to me to talk it out but at the same time doesn't want anything else. The worst thing is I cannot be cold and aloof with him, I wish I could be but I can't.
This is where this whole thing drives me crazy as I truly believe that H doesn't want me as anything more than a friend but cannot cope if we are not friends and I want him as my lifelong partner and cannot handle being anything but. I don't want friendship as I couldn't handle seeing him with someone else or hearing about it. Talk about confusing.
I think I just have to talk to him when he contacts me but keep a very big line between us and not let him drag me back in b/c that does not serve a purpose to me just to him. You see he doesn't have anyone else to chat with or to help him sort things out in his own head, I have always been that person but that is the only thing he needs me for......I don't know any idea's from you guys that can read between the lines??????KDU
Kim, do you think that his run in with his boss would be a wake up call to him? I think you handled it well when he asked about his change in behaviour.
I too admit that I have problems understanding the friends after divorce thing. Sometimes it is so natural and I think yes, I could do it. Othertimes, I think it is so hard, and it would be easier just to leave town. That's me ~ 4 seasons in 1 day!
I do hope yourtalk with H and his talk with his boss have made him question a few things in his life. But I wouldn't hold my breath. Just keep living your life for you, and leave that door ajar just a little bit for now
) about Gaby Kennard that lady that sailed around the world solo. Apparently she was separated from her H at the time and they have since reconciled. So it does happen. I guess if it is meant to be it will be.
