Hey girls glad to see you think along the same lines as me. BB my next volleyball game is this Wednesday, lets see if I can get to the 2nd set without feeling like I am going to collapse with exhaustion. Last week it was only 5 mins into the 1st set, I thought I was going to die. I am so unfit now as that game proved to all of us. Oh well it has been about 5 yrs since we played, fitness will come back eventually.
Journelling....
Well what goes up must come down and I just landed on my ar$e. Yesterday H and I were talking and as you all know I have been trying to detach from H but it isn't that easy b/c deep down I know I still loved him and really still wanted him back but I just can't keep playing games.
I have truly found it easier (until yesterday) dealing with H and do not contact him at all. Well Saturday he came over and helped me in the garden for about 2 hours and that was fine but when he dropped son off on Sunday I had to ask H a few questions. (I know I shouldn't have but I did).
So I said what have you and the nurse decided to do about OW and he said they were going there own seperate ways as Nurse didn't need the drama as she has enough of her own. I asked how this made H feel and he said he was fine with it as nothing was really going on so it didn't matter.
I then said to him do you reckon we could ever try dating again down the track and he said "No" this lead to why and he said he would never consider being with me again b/c the damage was done and couldn't be fixed. I replied to this by saying "No its more that you dont want to fix it as anything can be fixed or attempted to be fixed if you try. He said it would never work basically b/c of me.
This boils down to the reasons he left:
I was too controlling of everything. Made him feel inferior. My fault we had money problems. I drove him to have the affair b/c he wasn't happy with me. Affair would never have happened if I had made him happy. I was too soft on the kids. I allowed too many people to visit us. I put everyone else first instead of him. I didn't make him feel he was trusted when he went out.
Now I can't believe he still harbours each and everyone of these as the reason we cannot be together b/c all of his reasons are to do with me and not one where he was at fault. This as we know is impossible as he has to be to blame for something even if as little as poor communication skills on how he was feeling, but no nothing. Remembering he was the one that had an affair for 3yrs b4 leaving and then didn't have the guts to say why he was leaving and i found out about the affair 2months later.
Anyhow this hurt like hell at first but as you can see I know see it clearer and I think it was what was needed for me to see we have no future. It saddens me and upsets me as I truly love my H but when someone holds that much contempt for you, you have to face facts and realise they have a major problem themselves and our R will never heal. He always blames everyone else for everything in his life, it was always me that fixed problems with his family and now he speaks to none of them or none of our friends. All he has is his workmates and one best friend.
All the things I listed I can take 50% of the blame for but I tell you my H has always been bad with money. He left one weekend years ago and came back 2 days later on the Sunday crying and begging me to let him come home and that he was sorry and guess what yep he had blown all our money his whole pay packet and I wasn't working at the time.
So guys my marriage is over and this hurts me but I have to face facts. Marriage to me was a serious commitment and I truly wanted to grow old with H, but that is not to be and so now I will move onto Phase 2, whatever that is, but I will keep you all informed. It's hard but at least I know it's just me and the kids now....KDU
