I can hear the doubt and pain you are experiencing... You and I share it with the rest here on this BB--- I can relate with so many things which you speak of in your recent post...
As far as having little control with your situation... I too am uncertain how I got to be in such the disadvantaged position, the one who was waiting and wanting my H back when I used to be the one so much in control.... Although we do not have the ultimate choice about our marriage- we can choose how to deal with the process.
You mentioned that you really thought you were making progress (you were starting to get back self-confidence and feeling good about yourself)... And, all of your feelings have come flooding back & you are thinking about your H alot lately... I know that with my situation, I may feel one way one moment and a completely different way five minutes later! Despite all my H has said and done, there are days when I still find myself longing for him. I guess there are just times when no matter how hard we try and put our minds on other things, our situations will overcome all of that. Kim, I know it is so easy to get overwhelmed. But, hopefully it will all fall into place eventually. The truth of the matter is that you did not get into this place of disharmony with your H overnight. So, unfortunately you need to prepare yourself for a long journey back to feeling close again. You have to be more patient than you have ever been before...
It is so true when you said that our "WAS' can throw us down on our a$$es!"... I have come to learn through reading more about MLC that those who are angry tend to not care about how much they hurt the people that are closest to them and they really don't even know why they are angry. They tend to look for outside sources to blame for their unhappiness they feel inside (and guess who gets the "brunt" of that anger?--- their spouse... the one who has seen them through many things during their marriage).
Kim... although it doesn't look like it now, you WILL come out of all of this a better person. You have to believe that when all of this is over with and you have eventually healed from it all, that you will survive and thrive in life b/c you will gain confidence and feel so much better about yourself. Thinking of you, -OC KIM
