Kismet, Anna, KDK, thanks guys it's nice to know others feel the same way. You know with my H his first long term proper serious R was with me. So he never sort of played the field when he was younger and I wonder now at 41 if his MLC is b/c of this. Is he now trying to play the field as he has never done it??? Or am I just finding another feeble excuse for his behaviour.
I don't ring him or contact him but b/c he is in more contact with me I find myself thinking about him alot more and I dont know which direction I am heading in so I fell in limbo. At least before I was either DBing my heart out so my goal was to get H back and then I was detaching to get the true me back and now - well it is more like no man's land.
Looks like I am back on the rollercoaster - damn it...I really thought I was making progress awhile ago..... KDU
Kim has anyone in his family had similar behaviour? Like his father, brothers? or has he had depressive periods before?
Looks like I am back on the rollercoaster - damn it...I really thought I was making progress awhile ago . Buckle up, this ride has more twists and turns, ups and downs to come.
It is hard being in limbo land. I think questioning what you are doing means that you are committed to whatever actions you do take. Hang in there.
Hey KDU .... Hang in there!!! I know it is sooo hard. One day we are feeling so gooood about ourselves and can live without our Hs, and another, we feel like we need them... it's just so yoyo!! I think someone said that our moods can be so yoyo that it can change few times even within the hour!! HE HE EH...Just hang in there and I am sure the rides gonna stop one day.....when it runs out of power or battery or whatever...even the Duracell battery-powered bunny will have to stop one day...
Hang in there! It is such a roller coaster ride! But in limbo land, although it sucks, there is still a chance. And I guess that is why we are all here and DBing our little butts off. And no matter what, we are better people as we move ahead.
So lets open a nice bottle of wine and have some yummy appetizers and at least have SOME fun in Limbo Land - the amusement park with the most rollercoasters EVER!
WCB
God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
I really thought I was making progress awhile ago....
And you were! And you haven't lost it. This whole maddening deal is three steps forward, two steps back. So you had to make that progress then so you could fall back a little now. But you're not back where you were. You're just ready for three more forward steps.
And you might be in limbo but you're not in no man's land. Too many of us are right there with ya.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
God love you all - Honestly sometimes I don't know how I would manage without all of you. It's funny I find it much easier to come here and speak honestly about how I feel rather than with lifelong friends and family as none of them have really been thru this so they seem to have the attitude Fu#k Him and move on he isn't worth for what he has done to you but they just don't get it do they, it is not that easy to give up on your marriage especially when you held it sacred.
BB you are right, I know you are 3 steps forward and 2 steps backward it's just those steps backward have me tripping over myself.
Kismet - His brother 2 yrs ago split with his wife and now has another lady friend, he was mid 40's but had a bit of a problem being faithful to his wife right from the beginning whereas I am really my H's first long term serious relationship so I can't really answer your question but yes it is a curly ride.
W - Yes I would like some nibblies in this funny land we find ourselves in so you prepare the nibblies and I will go make the cocktails maybe WCBeth will bring the Cabana Boys
Now as H is showing alot more interest in dropping in to see kids when for 8 months he has just been having S9 when he is supposed to and picking me up for gym and now saying he will come around this weekend to help me get the garden organised as Summer is coming. I don't understand why the sudden change. 8 months he has been one way and now he is changing and meant to be seeing someone so I dont get it.
Is it b/c he isn't with OW who maybe wouldn't allow him to be around me or the kids.
Is it b/c he just wants to help and as this new R is so new he hasn't really got ties to her yet.
Doing it to play with my head (I know least likely)
I just don't get the change as he wasn't doing it before, do I just accept it or do I nicely ask why the sudden change to try and chat but without it relating to R. I am tempted to say something like "Hey question for you and don't take it the wrong way - but can I ask why the sudden change in your attitude - not that I am complaining I just would like to understand why you have changed recently.
What do ya all think??????
Is that pursuing???? See I would normally know these answers but I have got completely off track now....
Started Indoor Beach Volleyball again last night, 1st game in about 6 years, we all know realise how much fitter we all were back then. 1st 2 set we did O.K. as we were only 1 point down after the 2nd Set but boy did we die in the 3rd set and blew out to lose by 10 points. They have put us straight into A Grade mixed so I suppose we didn't do to badly but we were all very sweaty and exhausted after but we had fun which is the main thing. Hopefully we are a bit better next Wednesday.....KDU
I can hear the doubt and pain you are experiencing... You and I share it with the rest here on this BB--- I can relate with so many things which you speak of in your recent post...
As far as having little control with your situation... I too am uncertain how I got to be in such the disadvantaged position, the one who was waiting and wanting my H back when I used to be the one so much in control.... Although we do not have the ultimate choice about our marriage- we can choose how to deal with the process.
You mentioned that you really thought you were making progress (you were starting to get back self-confidence and feeling good about yourself)... And, all of your feelings have come flooding back & you are thinking about your H alot lately... I know that with my situation, I may feel one way one moment and a completely different way five minutes later! Despite all my H has said and done, there are days when I still find myself longing for him. I guess there are just times when no matter how hard we try and put our minds on other things, our situations will overcome all of that. Kim, I know it is so easy to get overwhelmed. But, hopefully it will all fall into place eventually. The truth of the matter is that you did not get into this place of disharmony with your H overnight. So, unfortunately you need to prepare yourself for a long journey back to feeling close again. You have to be more patient than you have ever been before...
It is so true when you said that our "WAS' can throw us down on our a$$es!"... I have come to learn through reading more about MLC that those who are angry tend to not care about how much they hurt the people that are closest to them and they really don't even know why they are angry. They tend to look for outside sources to blame for their unhappiness they feel inside (and guess who gets the "brunt" of that anger?--- their spouse... the one who has seen them through many things during their marriage).
Kim... although it doesn't look like it now, you WILL come out of all of this a better person. You have to believe that when all of this is over with and you have eventually healed from it all, that you will survive and thrive in life b/c you will gain confidence and feel so much better about yourself. Thinking of you, -OC KIM
OCKim -thankyou so much for sharing that and i truly feel that you do know what it is like as I have watched your thread and read your advice to others so thankyou again.
You know one thing you said was spot on - the fact that they must blame someone else...How true is that and you know what with my H everything he has been doing since this started has been so out of character for him and I honestly do not think he realises that he is really doing anything wrong. In his eyes he is doing what he must do, but doesn't truly realise what the long term consequences could be as he is only living in the moment and cannot see down the track, he is too caught up in his own needs at the moment that it is unbelievable.
So again I say thanks for understanding and I will try and be more patient instead of getting my back up....KDU
I am tempted to say something like "Hey question for you and don't take it the wrong way - but can I ask why the sudden change in your attitude - not that I am complaining I just would like to understand why you have changed recently.
What do ya all think??????
In my opinion, that would be a heavenly question to get an actual straight answer to, but THAT is not going to happen...
I would suggest that H hasn't even realised that he is getting more comfortable spending time with you and the kids and that he has been spending a lot more time there as a result. It would probably be a good idea for him to carry on doing this and then gradually realise what is going on...
As much as you want to know what is going on, the danger is that H is just going with the flow without actually thinking about it (which proves to me that you are doing a great job ). And if you were to make H think about it without him being absolutely ready...you run the risk of him backing off again.
KDU - you really seem to be doing so well and I agree that you were doing even better when you kept the focus on yourself. Could you try to refuse to let yourself think about the sitch? Sounds completely impossible, I know, but you were better off while you were doing that and H also seems to be moving closer,...
Kim I agree with wannabestrong, don't question H on his change in behaviour, just watch and wait. We do tend to spend a lot of time waiting.... waiting.... waiting... Just as well we are a patient lot in this land of limbo. Bring on those cabana boys! (why are they called cabana boys, all I can think of is cabana sausage which may just be an Aussie thing and the image I get while a good one may not be accurate... can you tell I am sex deprived).
Ooops Kim, sorry for the hijack. A bit sidetracked there. It must be true about women in their 40s
KDU 
One Day at a TIME!!! 
). And if you were to make H think about it without him being absolutely ready...you run the risk of him backing off again.