Wannabe - You will work it out but don't let H push you into making any decisions you are not ready to make, just take your time and if H makes a decision well deal with that when it happens, chances are he will change his mind over and over it seems to be a pattern...>KDU
Wannabe - As long as you can detach from H's actions, live your own life and not let anything affect you,...I say sit on the 'MRS' Throne PATIENTLY until OW gets so fed-up that she pushes your H to push you off the 'MRS' Throne. Then your H will either se that OW is quite horrid and not worth his while, or he will decide that the horrid OW is really who he wants... As long as you can detach, if H is with OW, either you are a MRS or an EX-MRS, regardless, you will still not have your H for yourself. The only difference is THAT, OW will remain OW in the 'MRS' option. So..... I say....SIT on your 'MRS' Throne PATIENTLY...
Journaling.... Well H rang me today just to say hi and to say he may pop in and see the kids afterwork....I don't understand what is happening at the moment. He is very friendly and nice, ringing me and going and seeing the kids, he has not done that once since he left and he did it last week as well.
I don't know what to think as part of me feels he is invading my home when I am not there but is that me just feeling left out - remembering he hasn't lived in this house as I moved 2 months ago and he hasn't been one to just drop in on the kids till now. Normally he just comes and gets S9 has a coffee and goes. So WTF is with this.
He also has this weekend off which means he will have S9 for the weekend but he said he might come over Saturday and he and I could go to the gym together and then he will help me with the garden in the afternoon.
Now remember I said he is seeing this nurse from his work and he says he is taking it very slowly with her and I believe he is seeing her. So why the change in what he is doing with me and the kids. Is it b/c he is happy with his life at the moment and he is just trying to help me out....I don't know but I don't know if I am comfortable with this. I know Anna loves this kind of contact but I don't know if I can do it on a friendship level as I still have too many feelings for him and know I will start wanting him back....
Any ideas or thoughts would be appreciated.....KDU
All right Kim, here's a thought, but it's probably not much of an idea.
For two weeks, see if you can view him in a way similar to how you view Jarrod. For two weeks, he's just your friend that you do fun things with. Enjoy your time together, be as nice as you can. Make him wonder what you're up to, and whatever you do make sure you don't tell him!
At the end of two weeks, if it's too hard, start backing away. But if you're okay with it, go another two weeks. There's some emotional need that you're filling for him or else he wouldn't keep coming back. Maybe it's not an emotional need that will ever lead to romance, but who knows? For right now, it's your hook. Take your time and set the hook. When you're sure he's bitten on it hard, or when you don't want to deal with it any more, you can start backing off and see if he starts coming forward to you. One of Michele's main concepts is "Try Something Different". So hey, it's worth a shot. Be as absolutely nice and pleasant to H as you can be and monitor the results.
You might also find that you are overly nice to him and he doesn't appreciate it the way he should. Then maybe you'll get pi$$ed off and that'll help you detach some more. Nothing wrong with a little well-hidden righteous anger every once in awhile.
Be good, Kim. Don't let him tweak your PMA for long. You have GAL and you don't need him unless he's ready to be the man you deserve.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
First of all sorry for the hi-jack. Just wanted you to know that there are others who know how you feel...
About this latest issue: I would say continue to be as patient as you have been...
H has been seeing a nurse, but that is probably because he is still confused and still doesn't know what he wants... He is going to the gym with you and he wants to come over more often and he is considering your feelings during the phone calls (and apologising when wrong). These have to be baby steps in the right direction.
I can understand that it is not comfortable right now because of the mixed signals, but you have to focus on yourself.... You like having him around, so enjoy it, but don't build up any expectations... I know that will be the hardest thing.
BB said it very well - think of him as a male friend, nice to have around if he is there and when he is there...
Thanks guys I appreciate it. It is just so hard as I was starting to get on top off my feelings and now they just seem to all come flooding back. I was starting to feel good about myself and getting back some self confidence but I dont even remember buying a ruddy ticket for this rollercoaster, I have been put on the ride by force.
I find it easier when I have limited contact with him as I truly start to GAL but when he is around more I remember why I love him and why I want him in my life and when I can't have him the way I want I find it hard to cope. I also find it hard to live a lie so when he is around and I act as if it is a lie. When he is not around so much I am actually doing it and it is not a lie.
Does anyone understand what I am saying. I appreciate the advice and I will act as if around him but BB 2 weeks - all my feelings will come flooding back in 2 days little own 2 weeks. This really annoys me as I had direction and now I don't, why is it that WAS's can throw us down on our ar$es so easily he didn't even give me a chance to get into this detaching thing and he is stirring it all up again. Although it's not like he has said anything to make me think he wants anything more than friendship but I don't know if that is enough for me.
I have always touched him as he walks past and I cant do that and it takes all my effort not to as some habits die hard, I have always called him affectionate names and the more I see him the harder it is not to say them oh god so many things. Aaaaaaarrggghh I hate this, I have never had so little control over anything in my entire life and to not be in control of myself is the worse thing....KDU
Kim, it does sound like H is really confused as to what he wants and that is probably why he is trying to reconnect more. Yes, it is certainly harder to DB when they are so in your face. Can you have things to do? Just leave. Take the dog for a walk.
When I first started doing this, I felt rude. But I realised that if I did not get out of the house I would say something I regret or just sit there in silence.
Maybe just trying taking it one day at a time. You can do this. You know you can. Take advantage of him offering to help around the house.
I am sorry that you are feeling so down, but remember "this too shall pass" Buckle up and hang in there!
KDU~ I understand exactly what you're talking about. It's exactly what I'm living since H left. It really keeps you in that "in love" place and magnifies all the things that you miss. Detaching is much easier with distance, but I'm not sure that that's true detachment or simply avoidance.
But whatever it is, it does make DBing a lot easier. I know when I go for 3 days without seeing H, I'm a different woman. When I see him 2 days in a row, I'm a 12year old with a crush. I'm happier, but I'm invested in having him back.
BB and Kismet have some good advice. There is no question that it's easier to handle when you're busy and active around him. Happy to see him, but too busy to slow down to his pace. And a gradual withdrawl after he gets a peek at your happy and full life is excellent advice. Now if only I would take it (my job is going to help with that).
You're doing incredibly well, and this is totally natural. I'm starting to see that self-doubt is an integral part of the process. Is it maybe a way of assessing where you are? Indulging in the lovey-doveys is maybe a way of doing a heart-check to make sure you do still want him? As long as you don't let these feelings dictate your actions, feel free to explore them and wonder about them alone or here.
Hi Kim-The detaching thing is not as easy as we thought, huh? My H is still at my house and there are days when I get that old feeling for him, BUT I know at this point and time he only wants to be friends with me and I have accepted it. It hurts like hell, but I know that we can never be like we used to be, which was two unhappy people in an unhappy marriage. In time I hope that our friendship will build into a brand new relationship.
It does sound as though your H is confused about what/who he wants. You said you didn't know if just being his friend would be enough for you...ask yourself this, would you like to be his friend and hope that a relationship could rebuild from that friendship (of course you would be GALing too) or would you like to be the ex-wife that harbors bad ill feelings towards her ex-husband and there would be no hopes of any rebuilding of a realtionship?
I know it's hard seeing your H, I have to see mine everyday. I have asked him to leave by this weekend becuase I don't know if I can handle him being around me all the time. He has been great and this makes it harder on me. I do and don't want to be with him. My H has too much drama in his life right now and I told him that I do not want to be a part of any of it. He has stopped seeing OW but has some phone contacts with her.
For me to see my H as my friend right now...I remind myself that this is not the same person I loved a year and half ago; he's a stranger to me. The person I loved a year and a half ago would not have hurt me like this new person I see in front of me. I know it sounds strange but this is what helps me.
((((KDU))))
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
