Journaling:- O.K. so I got home last night and H turned up about 15 mins later and he was in a good mood so we sat down and had a coffee and a chat.
We discussed his work for a big part of the time and then we discussed the last 8 months or should I say that I told him how I felt about the last 8 months and is latest behaviour.
I said that I was sick of doing everything his way and waiting for him to make up his mind as to what he wanted out of our R and that I had given up. I was happy to move things on as his actions have shown that he is no clearer in his head now than he has been since this whole thing started. I told him I was sick of him thinking that everything I did or suggested where S was concerned was for my own greater good and that I didn't want to waste the energy arguing over things anymore for instance like our numerous phone conversations today. So I said we have a set plan in place for his access to S and I wanted to stick to them and in future if something came up on his side he would do better to ask me if an alternative could be reached before making his plans.
H agreed with everything I said and admitted he had been in the wrong on the phone. He tried to make excuses for his behaviour as I was pointing the things out but I stopped him and said dont worry about it. I am just getting it all off my chest, I am not after answers so you don't need to say anything. He told me that he carries alot of guilt over the last 8 months and finds that hard to get past. So I validated him and said I understood this but not to be too hard on himself as what is done is done. He said it's not that easy and I said true but you will have to come to terms with it eventually.
He also said maybe we could go out for a drink sometime to which I said that would not be a good idea, better we leave it like it is for now. He also said you never know what the future could bring and I said no I agree with that but I am not thinking of the future at the moment just taking each day as it comes.
He also mentioned that there is nothing with OW and that he doesn't see her at all now other than bumping into her at work and I said "Tony I don't need to hear any of that, it is none of my business and I really don't care if you are seeing her" and he replied that he just wanted me to know there was nobody at the moment.
Anyway that's about all that happened, I did walk him and S out to his car but then I kissed S goodbye, said goodbye to H and that I would see him Thursday at work and then turned and walked inside and shut the door. I didn't even wait for him to pull out of driveway or even start his car.
So there you have it at least I stayed strong, although it was hard and I still keep having pangs of god I want him back but in the next minute I think do I really and then I am O.K. again.
So that's my update I hope DMF that it was easier to read and I don't expect I will have much more to update until Thursday but I will still be looking at everyone else' sitch....KDU
