Don't ever feel bad about doing what is in your heart to do. My only recommendation is to do your best to make sure you know what's in your heart before you do something. I'm not saying that applies to you currently; it sounds like you've put some thought into where you are.
I think I am getting close to truly turning a corner and maybe that is where I need to get to in order to truly DB.
I love that!
But don't listen too much to me. I need to back off on giving advice because I'm starting to read everybody's threads and inside my head I'm going, "PUNT! Time to move on!" Just a wee bit of projection on my part.
I want to go back to the person I was which was outgoing, friendly, caring and according to everyone else good company and lots of fun and there is nothing wrong with that...
ME TOO!
I guess I am just fed up and pi$$ed off and venting for all it is worth.
You ain't the only one.
And if your H came to your chat tonight and told you he knows he's made a great mistake and he's willing to do anything to make it right, and you're walking on air right now, then I couldn't be happier!
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
KDU - I guessed you've got to do what you've got to do. And only you know what is best for you, and you just have to get up and get on with your life. Sorry that I don't have good advices.....you know me, suck at giving advices...
Hi guys, I am still around just been very busy and I guessed so pi$$ed at my dumbar$e H that I have gone black on you all - I am on bended knee's begging the boards forgiveness not H''s. Today is Tuesday and last Monday I had a call from H's sister to say his BIL had died on Friday of a Heart Attack and could I let H know. (Yes they apparently did know we were on a break). So I ring H at work and as nice as possible tell him the bad news. He says he will ring his other sister and see what the full story is, I asked him to ring me back and let me know. Anyhow about 2 hours go by and he hasn't rung back so I rang his sister, we had a good chat and she told me that she only found out a couple of weeks ago that H and I were not together and that he had told her we were having a break and sorting ourselves out (nothing about his affair) she then goes on to say that their brother wants me to ring him so I do and then I speak to other sister (It's her ex-husband that died). So I speak to all of his family and mend bridges with them that H had broken a year ago and then my H rings. I tell him I have already spoken to them all and he says Oh O.K. how were the others and I said it's alright they are fine and all bridges are now mended so you can see them comfortably at the funeral. It is decided that H and I will go to funeral together (It is 3.5 hours from where we live). We get up there and guess what due to the volume of people staying at his sister's house my H and I have been put in a bed together. When we arrived all the family was lovely and actually hugged and kissed me before H. H kept his distance from everyone for some reason and it was me that had to hold his sister up at the viewing the next morning, and me that had to speak to my favourite nephew about the eulogy he was doing and me that gave them all support and was understanding and blah blah blah. My H just kept his distance. At the wake my H was back and forth sometimes with me other times avoiding me. Through these couple of days I said not one word to him about his actions, didn't persue at all and not one bit of pressure about his behaviour until yesterday.....H rang me at work just to say hi and asked why I seemed short with him well I semi let him have it....I said that I didn't appreciate his distance whilst we were away, he claimed he hadn't meant to be distant and I said well it felt like it and he said it always comes back to us doesn't it you just can't leave things alone blah blah blah blame kim over and over so I lost it but maintained a cool and calm voice and said You know what I am sick and tired of you blaming me for absolutely everything during our marriage and for the last 8 months, it is not fair all of the time. I have done every little thing you have asked through all of this, I have given you time, distance, space and understanding. I have allowed you to voice every little thing that has annoyed you about me, I have been understanding about you feeling the need for your affair when it was the one thing that gutted me and not once have you ever accepted any blame for anything, well I am here to tell you that you are to blame for lots of what went wrong and you are to blame for all of your bad feelings. I will not accept the blame anymore this has been all one sided for so long and I am sick of it. You say you want to stand on your own two feet and prove to everyone you can do it alone and that you are enjoying being on your own well fantastic as the person you have become is not the person I fell in love with and is not a person I really wish to know. He said I thought we could be friends and I said, I have told you before that I have too many feelings for you to be friends with you, it will hurt me too much at the moment, later well we will have to see. He then goes on to say, Look things might be different if I get a different job and I said well maybe they would be, I have asked you to do that for awhile now and he then flipped back and said Yeah but only if I come back to you will you help me get another job and I said that wasn't true, I would have helped him regardless but it is different now and we will never ever work out as long as he is working where he is now. H then said well things might be different once I change jobs and I said do whatever you need to do for you, stand on your own two feet like you say you want but I am not going to wonder about us anymore as 8 months has been long enough, I am just going to live my life my way and if you ever change your mind about us we would have to see what I was doing at that time. So that is that and I am going to stick to it too. He is so frustrating one moment he speaks as though he hates my guts and could think of nothing worse than getting back together and the next he is speaking about later down the track. I am sure he is still in a MLC and you know what that is his problem not mine. This is going to sound a bit funny but I hope I can meet someone who shows a bit of interest in me as I believe it will give me the self confidence I need to realise i don't need H in my life. I am not saying a full on relationship with someone but just enough interest to show me I am worth more and still interesting to someone else I guess.....Mmmm to dream....Anyhow I am mad as hell at my H at the moment as I have always spoon fed him. He would say he was bored when he had a weekend off so I would make plans to socialise and then he would complain that he never got time to himself that we always had to do something so I would organise nothing and within a few weeks it was back to our boring life and him complaining. He carries on now about our Son being the most important thing in his life but does he show it no...He has him from 6pm Friday to 12noon on Saturday 2 weeks in a row, then the 3rd week he misses and the 4th week he has him for the weekend 6pm Friday to 12noon Sunday then the cycle starts again. When he misses that one week a month does he make up for it NO....Does he ever say I will come and get son and take him for dinner midweek or try other things to have more contact NO....H does what he has to do so as he feels he is living up to his duty as a father and so other's can see he hasn't abandoned his child but this really is crap as if he truly wanted to spend time with his son he would do more. I have always tried to make alterations to make my H happy but never succeeded as his wants and needs seem to always change but when I think about it I don't think he ever really tried to please me again very one sided, I don't really know where I am at right now just that I am angry and annoyed and will not take his crap anymore. I am now really living for me and my kids and he just doesn't factor at the moment. Goals for this week: 1: Go back to the gym 2: Plan one other thing for myself per week 3: Distance myself from H This is short term goals hopefully to be habit forming but I am going to do this bit by bit. Beware people I am sure I am going into a venting overload. O.K. off to check out everyone sitch's speak soon.....KDU
Hi KDU... I see you are in the KMA part of the coaster. Been there. What I would say to you is this...these angry feelings, feeling unacknowledged, taken for granted, etc. are making you feel angry. And rightfully so. That's ok. What I would also say is that to kick out the M in your mind out of anger and frustration is not the way to go. So be careful there. Your emotions may be different in a week or in a month. I am glad you feel you are turning a corner to really start living for YOU. That is important. What I think you should really try to focus on is YOU and your life, but not to let your irritation with the sitch. come out on your H. You don't want to backslide and regret it later. These feelings you have are so justified. We all know that. Come here and vent away. But then release that anger and don't carry it inside you as this is not good for YOU. Maybe work on detachment some more...as you are personalizing these crummy choices of your H's (hard not to I know) but you know that these choices have nothing to do with you, so don't let yourself get into the mind trap of thinking they do. That's where the anger comes from. Try to release this anger, maybe at some pt. you can work on forgiveness...(another hard one that I am sure you can't do yet, understandable), and then release that and become and be that person you speak of being. Regarding dealing with your H, I think if you are feeling angry it is best to keep your distance for now. When dealing with him think about ways in which you can be cordial, or maybe even a friend, while placing the boundaries you have. That is a good skill to learn, that I am still figuring out. You don't have to be a doormat, but you can have boundaries placed without guns blazing too. Just think about that right now, you are not going to be giving your H time and space to think about things, but going to be giving yourself that time and space. And if those feelings of not wanting it back remain strong after some time, then you will know. I know you would want him back if he was able to start acknowledging his end and work on himself. He's just not there yet. So don't push that. It will lead you no where. Work on yourself. I remember my H being stuck in the giving me a list of all the things he didn't like about me, about the A, etc. being my fault for making him so unhappy in essence. In that stage all you can do is validate, (that doesn't mean agreee), try not to get stuck in long conversations like that. Not good for your PMA and it isn't even nec. that all these things are what your H is unhappy about. He's just unhappy and he's looking to pinpoint why and that's what he's grasping at to explain it. My H did the same thing. Meanwhile, if you just detach and work on your life as you want, keep your DBing to simple cordial, validation and you being unavailable as your busy with GAL, then things may be a little easier for now. That's what I did and you know, though my H is probably still stuck in the grasping at things to say why I made things so bad, it's not nearly as extreme. And meanwhile, my detachment has helped me to truly GAL and has given ME the time and space to sort myself out. And now I am certain beyond a doubt of where I want to go. That is that truly if he is stuck and cannot change yet, I am done. But I've made certain to ensure that isn't part of the coaster, but that I can make that decision feeling peaceful about it in my heart, so I will not have regrets. Ya know, my H doesn't even recall half the crud he's said to me or complained about. He was really in a fog. Your H probably still is. He doesn't want to let you go, but he can't figure out what is wrong. It's that he has to start looking inward. You can't make him. You can't pt. it out and have it be heard. So whatever process he is going through, leave him to it. It's his problem as you've said. You work on you and releasing that anger and bringing up your PMA. this anger should help you be able to distance yourself and build upon your own life and that is the good part about it. KMA H! I'm busy with my own life. You figure yourself out! (But just bite your tongue) This anger stems from you still hurting inside. So I don't think you are truly ready to throw in the towel. But it may lead you to a place where you will be in the future. And that's also your H's problem, not yours. Sorry for rambling. I hope at least something I've said has been useful. KDU, KDU...we all love KDU!
Hi KDU...missed you. Oh boy, what a post you had. My only advice would be to detach yourself completely from H. You went out of your way to mend the bridges with H and his family, I don't think I could have done that. But did H appreciate what you did? I don't think so.
I know you want H to see S more often than he is. I don't know if he is not due to guilt or just being selfish. It sad that the innocent victims of the A are the kids. Have you asked H if he would like to extend his weekend visits? Or maybe have H spend time with S one day during the week.
Continue to vent here when needed. I know it feels good when you argue with H and get things off your chest but in the end I think it just shows them what a negative person they imagined us being and just justifies the A more. Make any sense? Hang in there.
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
This is going to sound a bit funny but I hope I can meet someone who shows a bit of interest in me as I believe it will give me the self confidence I need to realise i don't need H in my life. I am not saying a full on relationship with someone but just enough interest to show me I am worth more and still interesting to someone else I guess.....Mmmm to dream...
That's no dream, KDU. That'll happen. I wouldn't be surprised if you've spent much of your married life making sure that wouldn't happen. I'll bet you tended to discourage interest from other men until it became so automatic that you didn't realize you were doing it. It'll be interesting to see what happens if/when you let that barrier back down a little bit.
I am now really living for me and my kids and he just doesn't factor at the moment.
Good for you. If he's strong enough, he'll catch up. If not, you'll find someone who is. It might take longer than you want because there aren't that many squared away men in the world. Ya know?
Beware people I am sure I am going into a venting overload.
Bring it!
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Kim, welcome back! Vent away ~ it is hard going through all this stuff, especially when the kids are affected. From memory, I think your parents were divorced? I know mine were, and I think it makes it harder as you see what your kid is going through, and you also relive what you went through at the time. Now that you have put it out there to the universe that you are interested in some attention of the male kind, it will happen, and yes it does give a girl's confidence a boost. Get out there and live your life. If it is meant to be with your H it will. You aren't closing any doors. You are just getting on with your life
Hi guys - SH: Don't ever apologise for waffling on it's what we all do best and sometimes something someone has said on their post pushes a button inside of us and off we go but that's what it is all about. I have taken on board what you have said but do want to point out that everything I vented in my last post was how I was and still am feeling I have not voiced this to my H, I haven't lost the plot that much yet lol..... KDK: No I am sure my H hasn't appreciated the bridges I mended with his family it would not have even slipped through his mind, he is far too focused on himself at the moment than anyone else. Yes I have suggested that he see S during the week like pick him up and take him out for tea for an hour or so, I have told him he can see his son anytime but he just doesn't seem to make any other arrangements other than the one's we have in place but H never planned anything himself he always waited for myself or someone else to suggest things to him but my days of doing that are over especially when he says he wants to stand on his own two feet. Kismet: My thoughts exactly fellow countrywoman. I haven't shut any doors just left them slightly ajar is all. Yes my parents are divorced and I agree it does give you a better insight as to how our kids are feeling or at least it makes us worry that they may be feeling how we did, but that can only be a good thing for our relationship with them I think. BB: I'll bet you tended to discourage interest from other men until it became so automatic that you didn't realize you were doing it. It'll be interesting to see what happens if/when you let that barrier back down a little bit. Wow I have never given that a thought but I must admit I never ever would have thought anyone was interested in me when I was with my H as I have very loyal ideas on relationships and tend to think that everyone thinks like me but hey they don't do they look at our WAS's. Which reminds me of a time when we had another couple over and the four of us were playing cards and the guy who is a long standing friend of mine started playing footsies with me under the table, mind you it took me 5 mins or more to realise it wasn't my H and I looked at this friend who had a big grin on his face and I said you know that's my foot not your wifes (my H and his W were talking and not paying us attention at the time so didn't hear this) He said yes I know and I said you dont want to go down this path and he said Oh yes I do and I said well stop it as I dont and wont. It was then left to slide and I didn't bring it up ever again and of course never told my H or this friends W, so you do give me food for thought. If he's strong enough, he'll catch up. If not, you'll find someone who is. It might take longer than you want because there aren't that many squared away men in the world. Ya know? Ain't that the truth but what do you mean squared away men in the world, I think the square ones are the WAH' and there must be people over here like yourself, DMF and NYS - Oh to find someone like that - we could DB each other. BB you really are good for our souls on these here boards and I love the way you make me look at things from a different angle....... Journalling...... H is working for us today and came into work early and was having a chat about his work. All was going well and I gave him some advice, which he actually admitted he should have listened to when I said it before but says he understands where I was coming from now. (Only as what I said has come true). Anyhow he asked what I have been doing and asked if I had spoken to anyone (Meaning mutual friends) and I said "Yes as a matter of fact I was speaking to Craig last night and he wants me to start up Indoor Beach Volleyball again" H said "What after all these years you are going to go back to it" and I said "Well yes I am we are going to get our old side back together, which will be alot of fun and if not anything else at least a laugh". H then asked what else he had to say and I said "Oh not much just that I had to get together with some old friends again and that I must go and stay at one of his holiday places" H seemed a bit miffed by this but hey why the hell shouldn't I. I really need to GAL and let him see that I am and not worry about how he feels about it as he has a mouth and can speak up at any time. So I succeeded in having a pleasant conversation with him about nothing in particular, offered him some advice with his work and was understanding so mission accomplished this time, here is hoping I can keep it up but it wasn't that hard ya know. I derived some devilish pleasure in letting him know I had offers of holidays, where I only needed spending money as he could have been involved if he was with me but he is not so he misses out and he needs to see all the things he will miss out on but hopefully more than that he will miss me and not what perks come with being with me and that I will have to be careful of as my H is very much for what benefits him. He is working here again tomorrow so I will update you if we have any further conversations worth mentioning....Till then....KDU
