Hi KDU... I see you are in the KMA part of the coaster. Been there. What I would say to you is this...these angry feelings, feeling unacknowledged, taken for granted, etc. are making you feel angry. And rightfully so. That's ok. What I would also say is that to kick out the M in your mind out of anger and frustration is not the way to go. So be careful there. Your emotions may be different in a week or in a month. I am glad you feel you are turning a corner to really start living for YOU. That is important. What I think you should really try to focus on is YOU and your life, but not to let your irritation with the sitch. come out on your H. You don't want to backslide and regret it later. These feelings you have are so justified. We all know that. Come here and vent away. But then release that anger and don't carry it inside you as this is not good for YOU. Maybe work on detachment some more...as you are personalizing these crummy choices of your H's (hard not to I know) but you know that these choices have nothing to do with you, so don't let yourself get into the mind trap of thinking they do. That's where the anger comes from. Try to release this anger, maybe at some pt. you can work on forgiveness...(another hard one that I am sure you can't do yet, understandable), and then release that and become and be that person you speak of being. Regarding dealing with your H, I think if you are feeling angry it is best to keep your distance for now. When dealing with him think about ways in which you can be cordial, or maybe even a friend, while placing the boundaries you have. That is a good skill to learn, that I am still figuring out. You don't have to be a doormat, but you can have boundaries placed without guns blazing too. Just think about that right now, you are not going to be giving your H time and space to think about things, but going to be giving yourself that time and space. And if those feelings of not wanting it back remain strong after some time, then you will know. I know you would want him back if he was able to start acknowledging his end and work on himself. He's just not there yet. So don't push that. It will lead you no where. Work on yourself. I remember my H being stuck in the giving me a list of all the things he didn't like about me, about the A, etc. being my fault for making him so unhappy in essence. In that stage all you can do is validate, (that doesn't mean agreee), try not to get stuck in long conversations like that. Not good for your PMA and it isn't even nec. that all these things are what your H is unhappy about. He's just unhappy and he's looking to pinpoint why and that's what he's grasping at to explain it. My H did the same thing. Meanwhile, if you just detach and work on your life as you want, keep your DBing to simple cordial, validation and you being unavailable as your busy with GAL, then things may be a little easier for now. That's what I did and you know, though my H is probably still stuck in the grasping at things to say why I made things so bad, it's not nearly as extreme. And meanwhile, my detachment has helped me to truly GAL and has given ME the time and space to sort myself out. And now I am certain beyond a doubt of where I want to go. That is that truly if he is stuck and cannot change yet, I am done. But I've made certain to ensure that isn't part of the coaster, but that I can make that decision feeling peaceful about it in my heart, so I will not have regrets. Ya know, my H doesn't even recall half the crud he's said to me or complained about. He was really in a fog. Your H probably still is. He doesn't want to let you go, but he can't figure out what is wrong. It's that he has to start looking inward. You can't make him. You can't pt. it out and have it be heard. So whatever process he is going through, leave him to it. It's his problem as you've said. You work on you and releasing that anger and bringing up your PMA. this anger should help you be able to distance yourself and build upon your own life and that is the good part about it. KMA H! I'm busy with my own life. You figure yourself out! (But just bite your tongue) This anger stems from you still hurting inside. So I don't think you are truly ready to throw in the towel. But it may lead you to a place where you will be in the future. And that's also your H's problem, not yours. Sorry for rambling. I hope at least something I've said has been useful. KDU, KDU...we all love KDU!
