Hi guys, I am still around just been very busy and I guessed so pi$$ed at my dumbar$e H that I have gone black on you all - I am on bended knee's begging the boards forgiveness not H''s. Today is Tuesday and last Monday I had a call from H's sister to say his BIL had died on Friday of a Heart Attack and could I let H know. (Yes they apparently did know we were on a break). So I ring H at work and as nice as possible tell him the bad news. He says he will ring his other sister and see what the full story is, I asked him to ring me back and let me know. Anyhow about 2 hours go by and he hasn't rung back so I rang his sister, we had a good chat and she told me that she only found out a couple of weeks ago that H and I were not together and that he had told her we were having a break and sorting ourselves out (nothing about his affair) she then goes on to say that their brother wants me to ring him so I do and then I speak to other sister (It's her ex-husband that died). So I speak to all of his family and mend bridges with them that H had broken a year ago and then my H rings. I tell him I have already spoken to them all and he says Oh O.K. how were the others and I said it's alright they are fine and all bridges are now mended so you can see them comfortably at the funeral. It is decided that H and I will go to funeral together (It is 3.5 hours from where we live). We get up there and guess what due to the volume of people staying at his sister's house my H and I have been put in a bed together. When we arrived all the family was lovely and actually hugged and kissed me before H. H kept his distance from everyone for some reason and it was me that had to hold his sister up at the viewing the next morning, and me that had to speak to my favourite nephew about the eulogy he was doing and me that gave them all support and was understanding and blah blah blah. My H just kept his distance. At the wake my H was back and forth sometimes with me other times avoiding me. Through these couple of days I said not one word to him about his actions, didn't persue at all and not one bit of pressure about his behaviour until yesterday.....H rang me at work just to say hi and asked why I seemed short with him well I semi let him have it....I said that I didn't appreciate his distance whilst we were away, he claimed he hadn't meant to be distant and I said well it felt like it and he said it always comes back to us doesn't it you just can't leave things alone blah blah blah blame kim over and over so I lost it but maintained a cool and calm voice and said You know what I am sick and tired of you blaming me for absolutely everything during our marriage and for the last 8 months, it is not fair all of the time. I have done every little thing you have asked through all of this, I have given you time, distance, space and understanding. I have allowed you to voice every little thing that has annoyed you about me, I have been understanding about you feeling the need for your affair when it was the one thing that gutted me and not once have you ever accepted any blame for anything, well I am here to tell you that you are to blame for lots of what went wrong and you are to blame for all of your bad feelings. I will not accept the blame anymore this has been all one sided for so long and I am sick of it. You say you want to stand on your own two feet and prove to everyone you can do it alone and that you are enjoying being on your own well fantastic as the person you have become is not the person I fell in love with and is not a person I really wish to know. He said I thought we could be friends and I said, I have told you before that I have too many feelings for you to be friends with you, it will hurt me too much at the moment, later well we will have to see. He then goes on to say, Look things might be different if I get a different job and I said well maybe they would be, I have asked you to do that for awhile now and he then flipped back and said Yeah but only if I come back to you will you help me get another job and I said that wasn't true, I would have helped him regardless but it is different now and we will never ever work out as long as he is working where he is now. H then said well things might be different once I change jobs and I said do whatever you need to do for you, stand on your own two feet like you say you want but I am not going to wonder about us anymore as 8 months has been long enough, I am just going to live my life my way and if you ever change your mind about us we would have to see what I was doing at that time. So that is that and I am going to stick to it too. He is so frustrating one moment he speaks as though he hates my guts and could think of nothing worse than getting back together and the next he is speaking about later down the track. I am sure he is still in a MLC and you know what that is his problem not mine. This is going to sound a bit funny but I hope I can meet someone who shows a bit of interest in me as I believe it will give me the self confidence I need to realise i don't need H in my life. I am not saying a full on relationship with someone but just enough interest to show me I am worth more and still interesting to someone else I guess.....Mmmm to dream....Anyhow I am mad as hell at my H at the moment as I have always spoon fed him. He would say he was bored when he had a weekend off so I would make plans to socialise and then he would complain that he never got time to himself that we always had to do something so I would organise nothing and within a few weeks it was back to our boring life and him complaining. He carries on now about our Son being the most important thing in his life but does he show it no...He has him from 6pm Friday to 12noon on Saturday 2 weeks in a row, then the 3rd week he misses and the 4th week he has him for the weekend 6pm Friday to 12noon Sunday then the cycle starts again. When he misses that one week a month does he make up for it NO....Does he ever say I will come and get son and take him for dinner midweek or try other things to have more contact NO....H does what he has to do so as he feels he is living up to his duty as a father and so other's can see he hasn't abandoned his child but this really is crap as if he truly wanted to spend time with his son he would do more. I have always tried to make alterations to make my H happy but never succeeded as his wants and needs seem to always change but when I think about it I don't think he ever really tried to please me again very one sided, I don't really know where I am at right now just that I am angry and annoyed and will not take his crap anymore. I am now really living for me and my kids and he just doesn't factor at the moment. Goals for this week: 1: Go back to the gym 2: Plan one other thing for myself per week 3: Distance myself from H This is short term goals hopefully to be habit forming but I am going to do this bit by bit. Beware people I am sure I am going into a venting overload. O.K. off to check out everyone sitch's speak soon.....KDU
