Guys thankyou for your posts they really do mean alot and I love hearing that my backslide wasn't such a bad thing and you know what I didn't really feel that it was. Like some of you have said sometimes you just have to throw the book up in the air and say it how it really is, it hurts to do but is also a little cleansing to the soul. I think I am getting close to truly turning a corner and maybe that is where I need to get to in order to truly DB. I think when I come to terms properly about my R and basically give up and start to live my life for me and my kids then the DB principles wont be such a fake as reality and maybe that is when H will truly make up his mind but i do know if I can turn that corner and H never makes up his mind, it wont bother me very much and I am trying so hard to try and forget my feelings for him and am trying so hard to not care if he comes back b/c I really feel I can't do it anymore. Now having said that, thinking it and actually doing it are two different things but that is truly my goal at the moment. I want to go back to the person I was which was outgoing, friendly, caring and according to everyone else good company and lots of fun and there is nothing wrong with that for too long I have brooded about my H and my M and secretly wallowed in self pity and existed just to wait for him to wake up. Well hopefully I am the one doing the waking up, I am opening my eyes, I just hope they stay open. I have to move forward and stop faking it, I know this and I am really going to try hard to do it and DMF you are soooo right sometimes some M's just aren't meant to make it and I have to start believing that mine might be one of them. Can you all tell I am trying to talk myself into this, I believe it dont worry but actually living it is the hard part but hey at least I am finally being totally honest with myself and all you guys. I will not be a doormat for him and I really think I need to become a little mean where he is concerned to give myself a kick start. What I mean by that is not to take his $hit and start standing up for myself no matter what he thinks, once I feel better about that then maybe I will soften and start to validate and all that stuff but then again who knows maybe I wont. Sorry guys I know I sound mean and awful but I guess I am just fed up and pi$$ed off and venting for all it is worth. We are having a chat tonight as he is working for my company today and we briefly spoke this morning and he said we would have a chat tonight when he dropped the workcar off at the office. So that will be interesting don't worry he still wants to find himself but I will be letting him know that he can have all the time in the world to find himself and that I hope he does find himself as the person that has invaded his body is not someone I like at the moment and I might just tell him that.......Nah so there, think I will have to go out and have a couple of scotch's tonight just to calm myself down....Thanks if anyone is still reading this as I wouldn't blame you all to go running for cover with your arms over your heads going psycho woman on the loose run for cover. Have a good weekend guys.....KDU
